


Surrender

by AndromedaM31



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Slow Burn, Very Mild Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2019-10-29 20:01:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 83,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17814572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndromedaM31/pseuds/AndromedaM31
Summary: Picks up after Leia's Day of Demand and follows Amilyn and Leia through their time in the Rebellion through to TLJ. Essentially an epic made up of all the little scenes I've imagined for them over the past year.I'm taking pretty big liberties by saying this is Cannon Compliant, but it will stay true to the original story as much as possible.Title from Paloma Faith's Surrender.





	1. Saw You On My Street

**Author's Note:**

> I am so invested in these two so this is quite a long fic, but I've huge chunks of it already written so I will do my best to update pretty regularly. Full disclaimer: I am not an astrophysicist and take some massive liberties with how science works (arts major, don't blame me). This is my first fic published to this site, so comments are much appreciated. 
> 
> Fic song: Surrender by Paloma Faith, but every chapter has a separate title and song that goes with it!

**3BBY – The Palace on Alderaan**

\--

It was definitely unusual for Amilyn to be hiding at a party. Well, hiding might not be the right word, but standing straight-backed against the wall and not engaging the nearest stranger in conversation was about as close as she could get.

The after-party of Leia’s Day of Demand ceremony was well past its peak and had slowed to the royal family and their close friends and confidants. The food tables lay practically empty and fizzing wines that had once looked like molten gold with bubbles, now looked pale and lifeless, discarded in half-finished glasses that littered the white-clothed tables.

Amilyn pressed her back a bit more against the wall and picked listlessly at the small cake she had salvaged from the food table. She knew what all the others were discussing: the rebellion. And although she had been there with Leia on Paucris Major, it hardly meant she was to be privy to sensitive information.

She involuntarily shivered at remembering the events that had taken place a few weeks ago. The absolute thrill and excitement on going on a mission to rescue the rebellion, mixed with both the grief of losing a classmate and the joy of using her knowledge of astrology to save her and Leia from and Imperial Fleet. Her emotions had been left jumbled and confused, feelings each one so keenly. And to top it all off, there was Leia.

Leia.

Amilyn could feel her devotion the Princess of Alderaan quickly developing into something more than friendship. If she was being honest with herself, she had never felt solely friendship for the princess, but her ability to squash those feelings down was faltering. She shook thoughts of her friend off, not quite feeling capable of coping with them.

The conflicting emotions had left her unusually drained in the aftermath of excitement. It didn’t help that the session of the Apprentice Legislature had ended and she found herself back on Gatalenta feeling a little lost and without a purpose. No amount of skyfaring had been able to clear her mind and she had never felt so unbalanced in her life.

“A word of advice,” a voice said from next her, “If you want to seem invisible, maybe, next time, skip the glitter in your hair.” A tall, imposing woman with cropped short hair had appeared next to Amilyn while she was lost in thought.

“Senator. It’s good to see you again, although, in a regrettably less dire situation.” Amilyn replied, plastering her crooked and slightly loopy smile on her face. “And blending in has never been an ambition of mine.”

Mon Mothma cracked a smile at that, remembering her conversation with Leia and her parents after the evacuation of the rebel base at Paucris Major.

_“I do have one question though. How did you manage to get your ship past the Imperial Fleet sent to intercept us?”_

_“Amilyn Holdo The girl from the Apprentice Legislature I was with when we stowed away on your ship, remember?”_

_“Ah. How could I forget? The one with the hair and the death wish.”_

_Leia had smiled. “Amilyn is – well – a bit odd. But she’s much wiser than she comes across, once you learn to translate what she’s actually saying. And she’s a quick thinker in a pinch. Not to mention, she knows almost every star system in the galaxy which makes her uncannily skilled at navigation.”_

_“She won’t betray our secret?”_

_“Absolutely not. I trust her. With my life.”_

“You certainly are a very curious girl, Holdo. And, when you’re not stowing away on my ships, I hear you’re amongst the brightest in the Apprentice Legislature. Chief Pangie speaks very highly of your pathfinding skills.” Mon Mothma lowered her voice to just above a whisper. “That being said, I’m sure you’ve figured out what Bail, Breha and I are planning if Leia hasn’t already explicitly told you?”

Amilyn felt her pace quicken, and the senator noticed something spark behind the young girl’s eyes. She nodded and tried to keep the gleeful expression from her face, but the corners of her mouth rose in a conspiring smile.

“If you have come to ask me to keep your secret, you needn’t worry ma’am. I think what you are all doing is absolutely fabulous and would never betray Leia and her family.”

Mon Mothma, although her expression was still serious, gave the younger woman a warm smile. “Actually, I have a proposition, of sorts, for you. Our rebellion is still small, and the majority of our forces are from unprivileged backgrounds, and although they are as passionate as anybody about our cause, they have minimal experience outside their home planet. We are seriously lacking in middle command. I’m currently on the hunt for strategic staff with a political background to help relocate the main base, and you have come very highly recommended.” The senator indicated her head towards the middle of the room, where Leia sat with Bail and Breha surrounded by the remnants of the party.

Amilyn felt her heart flood with a familiar warmth just by looking at her best friend. It wasn’t surprising after their conversation following the stow-away incident, where Amilyn had declared that she had always known she had to stand up to the Empire. Leia had placed herself in the middle of this fight and she knew she would follow her friend to the edge of the galaxy and back a thousand times over. If Leia was going to be tied up with the Rebellion, Amilyn wanted to be too. And then there were her own political opinions. Her sometimes overly vocal opposition the Empire and their cruelty became obvious to everyone in the Apprentice Legislature and had almost gotten her into trouble more than once. Amilyn knew that Leia was right when she had said that good intention wasn’t enough. She had to take action. She turned back to Mon Mothma with a rare serious expression, and when she spoke it was with steel in her voice.

“What do I need to do?”

The Senator smiled.

\--

After changing out of her formal wear, Leia left her room in search of the guest wing. She knew herself well enough to know sleep would not come easily tonight and decided to forgo the hours of tossing and turning. She wandered through the empty and dimly lit halls of the palace, her feet finding their way without needing to engage her brain, allowing her thoughts to wander to its usual subject: Kier.

Even on a day as joyful and exciting as today, when she had finally earned her right to be next in line for the throne, the scene of her holding the dying boy in her arms played in the back of her mind. Although she had recently bridged the distance between her and her parents, it still didn’t feel right to approach them about this with so much turmoil in the rebellion.

Her feet led her to the door of the guest chambers where her best friend was currently staying. Both her parents and Mon Mothma had been surprised when Leia had chosen Amilyn to sit in the front row of her ceremony. But she didn’t have to think about who she would want front and centre on the most important day of her life. Amilyn had become a stable constant in her life when her parents couldn’t be.

Not hesitating, Leia knocked on the door, and, upon receiving no answer, knocked again.

“Amilyn? Hey, are you awake?” It was a stupid question as she could see the light streaming out from around the panel that made the door.

Leia considered turning around and heading back to her quarters, but decided against it. After pushing open the panel just enough to peek her head in, Leia sighed fondly and rolled her eyes.

_Of Course._

On the opposite side of the room from the door was a massive set of decorated windows. The one at the very top was ajar and one of Amilyn’s skyfaring silk scarves stretched from the window to the floor and was fluttering lightly in the breeze from the open window. Leia had not improved in her skyfaring skills since the session she had with Amilyn, where she had managed to fall almost the entire length of a scarf. But, she was confident enough to climb the few meters to the window and pull herself up onto the roof.

“I offer you a nice warm room in the palace, and you’re sat on the roof, in the middle of the night, in the freezing cold.”

Amilyn’s head shot up and Leia snickered at the sight. The taller girl was sat cross-legged in a flowing turquoise coloured pyjama set, with a tight top and flowing trousers that were elasticated around the ankles. Her blue hair had been let out of its up-do from the ceremony and sat in waves and curls around her shoulders, the glitter glimmered in the low light provided by her datapad. In front of her was a large celestial map.

“Leia!” Amilyn jumped to her feet, wide-eyed, and before Leia knew it, her hands had been taken in Amilyn’s and a face framed in blue filled her vision. “I was wondering when I’d finally get to see you. That was just wonderful. You were just wonderful. I’m so touched by the whole evening!”

Leia basked in the waves of warmth that came with the embrace of her best friend.

“I was just consulting the stars for tonight,” Amilyn continued, pulling away slightly, “and they confirm my belief that today has been extra special.”

Leia couldn’t hold back the bark of laughter at Amilyn’s eccentricity. “I’m not even surprised.” She allowed herself to be led back to where Amilyn had been sat on a blanket. “Is that paper? How in the world did you get a hold of that? It must have cost a fortune!”

“Oh, that? I exchanged my earrings for it at a market in town. I guess osmium is a rare metal anywhere except Gatalenta because this map is worth over 500 credits.” Amilyn sat them both down and pulled out a thermal flask, poured the steaming liquid out into the lid and handed it to Leia. The soothing floral and citrus aroma and the crisp evening air caused some of the tension to ease from Leia’s mind, and she felt herself physically relax in the presence of her friend.

“Now,” Amilyn met her eyes with a knowing look, “Are you going to tell me what is bothering you, or are you going to make me guess?”

Leia looked up and found herself struck by how comforted she was just by looking into Amilyn’s eyes. Her serene blue gaze washed over her and her defences like warm ocean water over a seawall. She suddenly felt exposed and emotional, and all the turmoil and strain from the past weeks bubbled up to the surface. A familiar sting behind her eyes and a tightness in her throat caused her to break their stare and flush with embarrassment at her sudden weakness.

“I…I just-” She broke off, not used to feeling vulnerable or sensitive around other people. Even with Amilyn, someone who had proved so solidly that Lea could trust her, she found it difficult to voice her emotions. Especially now when she felt so broken and afraid of what was to come.

Amilyn seemed to instantly understand, pulling back slightly. After a heavy silence, she sighed and reached into her top and pulled out a small green crystal on a chain. Leia could see veins of golden metal running through the green cut rock. “This is Rosminum, do you know what that is?”

Leia’s throat still felt tight, so she settled for shaking her head. Although she had no idea where Amilyn was going with this, she knew her friend well enough to let her finish her anecdote.

“It’s a rare crystal only found in the mountains on Ord Mantell and it’s the hardest substance in the Bright Jewel System. The people from Ord Mantell believed it to be indestructible. It was mined and sold in bulk during the Clone Wars. This piece, along with the rest of a transport loads worth of Rosminum, was blown to bits which meant it was no longer valuable and was left in pieces on Corbos in the Outer Rim. The mines on Corbos are full of this golden metal, which is much stronger than Rosminum, and an artist had bonded the broken crystals together. Now, this piece is stronger than any crystal in the mountains of Ord Mantell.”

The metaphor was not lost on Leia as Amilyn slipped the chain off over her head and placed the necklace in Leia’s hand. In the low light from the datapad, the metallic threads glimmered from within the translucent rock.

“You’re the most courageous and resilient person I know; you’re a natural leader and people look to you for strength.” Amilyn paused, and Leia, blushing slightly at the praise, seemed overly occupied with the hem of her nightgown. “That doesn’t mean, however, that you’re not allowed to feel sad or broken or to have emotions. It’s not a weakness, it means you care. I just know you’ll come out of this even more tenacious and unyielding than before.”

The familiar sting of tears pulled at her eyes again, but the constriction in her heart was different than it had been a few moments before. In place of the cold ache was a warm tightness, like the affection she had for her friend was flowering out beyond the confines of her chest. Amilyn had looked right through her, and, without needing an explanation, gave her the exact words of comfort she needed to hear.

Leia looked down to her crossed legs, then back up across the map to Amilyn, who was still looking at her. She opened her mouth shyly, then paused.

“I look to you for strength too you know. I want to be more like you, ready to face what’s coming. Head on.”

“You?!” Shocked, Leia turned to Amilyn. Steadfast, tenacious yet caring Amilyn, who she was making a habit of turning to for advice and guidance. “I think I need your wisdom more than you need mine.”

Amilyn laughed lightly and leant forward, blue waves spilling over her shaking shoulders, eyes glinting in the light from the datapad. Leia cracked a smile and thought it must be impossible not to smile back at Amilyn when she was grinning at you like that, mischievous and bright. It was infectious, unwavering happiness.

Amilyn whispered, as if it were a great secret, “That’s probably why we make such a good team.” Overcome with emotion, reached forward and grabbed Amilyn’s hand from her lap, clasping it in hers.

“Truthfully, I don’t know what I would have done had you not been with me at Paucris Major. Getting us past the ships and being there when Keir-“ Leia broke off and took a breath, “Thank you.”

Their eyes met again, “Always.”

Another moment of silence sat between them, but it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. Amilyn pulled away slightly and returned to her star chart, giving Leia some space to sort through her thoughts. Clutching to the Rosminium Crystal, Leia felt an intense wave of gratitude and affection for the presence of her closest friend.

“What were you saying to Mon Mothma earlier?”

“Oh.” Amilyn seemed uncharacteristically apathetic, “She’s asked me to join the Rebellion. She said I’d probably start in Navy Logistics and as a fighter pilot, training up for Captain. I said yes, but she said she wanted a real answer in the morning when I’ve thought about it.”

“Oh.” Leia echoed. She knew this must be a big decision for Amilyn. Yes, she was adamantly against the Empire and was very vehement in her support of the rebellion. However, Leia also knew that Gatalenta was a planet of peace.

After the past few months of turmoil she had with her parents, she suddenly sympathized with their views on joining the rebellion. Her dad had told her how hard it had been for him to send young, passionate pilots to there death. The concept of it had always felt distant to her as if it was a sacrifice that had to be made to achieve a goal. Now, with the shadow of war fast approaching, she was filled with anguish and doubt at the idea of her best friend signing her life away for the cause.

“Amilyn…are you sure? I’ll support you no matter what you choose. I know you want to stand against the Empire but…, but I mean, you don’t have to join the rebellion.”

“You’ve changed your tune. Yes, I do. I can’t just sit back and watch what’s happening. The Apprentice Legislature has opened my eyes to the extent of their crimes. The rebellion is going to need all the help they can get. I’m going to join. I’ve made up my mind.”

The steadiness and intenseness of Amilyn’s voice told Leia that her friend wouldn’t be persuaded out of it. Not that she necessarily wanted to, but having both just experienced what it was like on the front line of the rebellion, she worried for her. Amilyn was sweet and kind. War was not. The thought of Amilyn in a battle, shooting people out of the sky, taking lives, was more than enough to make Leia nauseous.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Worried. Uneasy. That frown doesn’t sit well on your face.”

Said frown deepened, the creases in her forehead becoming even more defined. “Ami, this is a big decision.”

“I am fully aware of that. But you’re joining too! You’re going to be such a valuable asset to your parents, and we both know how important it is to you to do your part. How is this any different?”

“This _is_ different!” Leia pleaded, so desperate to protect her friend. “So different. Ami, as a Captain you’ll be on the front lines! You’re going to have to kill people, see our people get killed. What we went through on Paucris Major would be commonplace. War hardens people, Amilyn, and,” She paused, feeling incredibly exposed again, “I don’t think I could bear to watch it harden you.”

The air felt thick and heavy, which was particularly unsettling in the cold light breeze. Amilyn was looking at Leia unwaveringly, her piercing blue eyes were comforting but steadfast.

It all became too much for Leia and she moved to turn away. She’d never had a friend like this before, someone who she cared for so deeply. She could feel her emotions running away with her, and felt she couldn’t rationalize them. Her face was caught gently in Amilyn’s hands, the cool metal of the various rings brought slight relief to her too hot face.

“I know,” Amilyn said slowly and gently, but the strength in her decision was still there. Leia sighed in defeat. “Leia, I know. But not joining would be so much worse. How could I possibly live with myself if I didn’t stand up for what I believed in?”

The last statement struck a chord with Leia, understanding her friend's desperation to fight the good fight.

“Look, Leia, I’ve been thinking about this since we stowed away on that ship. This isn’t a snap decision for me. You were right when you said it wasn’t enough to believe in something, you have to take action. My upbringing was firmly against fighting and war, and there is value in that lifestyle. However I know now, the galaxy is in worse shape than I imagined than anyone on Gatalenta could have imagined! It’s not in my nature, but this is so much bigger and more important than that to me, so I’ll make it work.”

Amilyn held her gaze, and Leia saw nothing but determination.

“Just…please be careful. It will be so dangerous.”

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Amilyn cracked a grin, suddenly switching back to her goofy serene self.

“Oh, well, _**finally!**_ ” She said dramatically, showing her usual flippant excitement regarding danger. They both dissolved into giggles, and all felt right with the world again. Amilyn would still be Amilyn. She was right, they had to do this. Had to be part of the war that was looming on the horizon. And the reminder of the upcoming turmoil, Leia cherished this moment with her friend so much more.

“Promise me you won’t change too much.”

Amilyn smirked, despite them both knowing that was a heavy ask, and that there was no chance of going through war unaffected. “Don’t you worry, I’m pretty stubborn, and a difficult person to change.”

“Ha! That’s an understatement.”

Comfortable silence fell over them again, their knees touching from their crossed legs. Amilyn refilled their teas and pulled out a small pile of stolen cakes and treats from the party wrapped in a napkin. She offered the sweet treats to Leia, who chuckled.

“Did you _steal food_ from my party?” Amilyn, who was halfway through a fruity pastry pretended to look guilty, but Leia could tell she was trying to hold back a laugh. The warmth in her chest from earlier returned as she went to reach for a small pink cake. She suddenly became aware of Amilyn’s necklace still in her hands and looked lovingly at the green and gold pendant.

Like the Rosminum, anything that happened to them, they would come out the other side stronger than they were now. Her feeling of dread had not completely faded, but she felt more confident going forward with the rebellion knowing her friend would be by her side.

“Don’t forget your necklace.”

“Keep it.”

“What? No, Amilyn, I couldn’t, I –“

“Please? I…I, uh-“ It was difficult to tell in the darkness but Leia could have sworn Amilyn was blushing. “I actually bought it because it reminded me of you. I was going to give it to you anyway, I just -” Amilyn seemed uncharacteristically embarrassed, not sure if giving her friend an expensive and meaningful piece of jewellery was entirely appropriate.

Leia felt yet another rush of affection for her friend, slipping the golden chain over her head. “Thank you, Ami, it's beautiful.”

At seeing Leia’s smile warmly down at her new necklace, Amilyn felt another wave of heat rise to her face, colouring her cheeks. Oh, Kriff, I am so screwed, she thought as she ducked to look back at her chart, hiding behind a curtain of glittering blue.

Leia, however, thought nothing strange of Amilyn’s behaviour. Brushing it off as more Amilyn weirdness, she smiled fondly.

“Anything interesting on there, Stargirl?” Leia said teasingly.

Amilyn’s face shot up, eyes wide and gleaming, and Leia braced herself for the inevitable onslaught of Holdo speak.  _Here we go._

“I am _so_ glad you asked! Yes actually. Did you know that almost all of Alderaan’s astrological beliefs are base off of systems that don’t exist anymore? I’m not entirely sure how old this it’s all based around the Carosus System, which doesn’t exist anymore but, look – “ Amilyn Broke off, reaching an arm around Leia’s shoulder and pointed at the night sky to a small cluster of stars “You can still see them. They’re far enough away that the light from the explosions hasn’t reached here yet. From my calculations, they will get brighter and brighter then disappear from the Alderaan night sky in 3 years.”

They both felt a strange sense of foreboding and loss at stars disappearing from the sky, but Amilyn ploughed forward through with her excitement on the topic.

“How interesting is that? To have a planet’s future predictions based off a System that hasn’t been around for years!” She gasped, “ _And!_ Look just to the south of them is a star that on this map is two. The two suns orbit each other and the only planet in their orbit, Ambria, is uninhabitable because the gravity is always shifting.”

Leia relaxed listening to her friend gush over the differences in the sky and talk her through how to read the charts, taking perhaps more comfort than she should in Amilyn’s hand resting on her shoulder. Neither knew how long they stayed like this in their blissful bubble. When Leia returned to her rooms, she felt lighter and fell into sleep almost immediately.

\--


	2. Politics of Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is quite long. I was going to split it into two, but it just makes sense to sort it all out before it all kicks off. There's a lot of introspection, but its needed to set up the next couple of chapters! 
> 
> Chapter title from the Paloma Faith song.

**3BBY – Alderaan**

**\--**

Bright light fell on Leia’s sleeping form as the Alderaan’s sun climbed higher into the sky, forcing her eyes to flutter open only to squint in the harsh light. Pressing her face further into the white pillows, she shifted to turn away from the window, only for her eyes to fall on the time display across the room. 

She shot up, “Oh _Kriff!”_ It was well into the mid-morning.How could she have slept in? Where was 2V, why hadn’t she woken her? Her first full day as the official heir to the throne of Alderaan, and she’d spent almost half of it in bed!

After hastily getting dressed and neatening the braids she had neglected to take down the following evening, she deemed herself semi-presentable. _2V is going to short circuit when she sees me like this._  

After rushing through the palaces many halls, she arrived at the palace library, knowing that breakfast would have finished. She could hear her father’s hearty laughter behind the closed panel. If he was laughing, there were no serious meeting taking place and  Leia took this as her cue to enter.

Bail and Breha were sat together on the largest couch in the centre of the room, both having abandoned formal attire. Breha was dressed in a simple but traditional lilac dress and her father in a matching tunic and loose trousers. Leia couldn’t remember the last time her parents had seemed so relaxed, and her guilt for not waking up on time faded slightly.

Across from them, although Leia could only see the back of her blue hair, sat Amilyn. The thought of Amilyn and her parents sat in private converation filled her with a flash of subtle anxiety. While she was her best friend, her parents were relatively conventional and Amilyn was, well, unique to say the least.

However, the genuine mirth and sincere open faced kindness she saw on her parent’s faces pushed away her feeling of unease. She was left with a glow and appreciation of seeing her three biggest supporters getting along. Surprised by just how touched she was by the scene before her, she didn’t notice her mother standing followed immediately by Bail and Amilyn

“Good morning, Leia. Did you sleep well?”

“Good morning. Yes, perhaps too well! Sorry for sleeping so late, 2V wasn’t there to wake me up. Is everything okay with her system? She never lets me sleep. Also, is there any caf left?”

Bail chuckled at his daughter's addiction to caf and sent a service droid to the kitchen to collect some.

“2V is fine, Leia. We asked the major-domo to override her orders and leave you this morning. Tomorrow we start preparing you to take your seat on the Council, but we thought today you should have the day off. It’s been a stressful few months, and we just want to enjoy all of us being at home.” Bail smiled and Leia was never more grateful for her parents. After months of them not spending time together as a family, it felt wonderful for them to take time to be with each other, if only for a day. The mid-summer sunset the library ablaze with warm white light and everything was perfect for a fleeting moment. “And no need to apologize, Amilyn has been wonderful company.”

Leia turned to smile at her friend, but suddenly found herself at a loss for words; her eyes went wide and her jaw slack. 

While Amilyn’s wardrobe was unusual at the best of times, it was downright bizarre to see her in plain formal clothing. Her traditional white dress and flowing red cape, while elegant, looked almost drab on her colourful friend. The glitter from her hair had been rinsed out and there was a noticeable lack of jewellery which her friend usually wore in abundance.

Amilyn let out a bark of laughter and her friend's shock, and Leia could hear her parents chuckling behind her “Good morning to you too, sunshine!”

Leia smiled sheepishly, “Sorry, it’s just that dress is so…”

“Boring?” Amilyn interjected Amilyn frowned looking down at it “Trust me, I know. I’m not overly thrilled with it. A red cape with blue hair? Not exactly my ideal look.” Amilyn said jokingly, they weren’t both aware that was hardly the most eccentric fashion choice she’s ever made.

“Well, far be it from you to clash colours.”

Their eyes danced with laughter, enjoying their shared memories of Amilyn’s more eccentric fashion choices.

“Leia,” Breha said with amusement in her voice, “Come sit down, have some caf and stop insulting your friend's clothes.”

They all returned to their seat, Leia opting for the chair between Amilyn and her father’s end of the sofa. A droid brought her a steaming cup of caf, which she quickly drained almost half of. 

“Are you returning to Gatalenta today? Is that what the normal clothes are for?”

“I’ve always thought Gatalentan robes are incredibly beautiful in their simplicity,” Breha commented, trying to save Leia from her big mouth. 

“Thank you, your majesty. I’ve got some traditions that need attending to, involving quite a lengthy meeting with the Council of Mothers regarding my induction as a Junior Advisor to Gatalenta’s senator.” Leia deflated slightly hearing this, wishing she could stay a little longer. As selfish as she knew it was, she had grown accustomed to Amilyn’s presence and had begun to rely on it. 

“I thought you weren’t taking a Councillor position?” Leia knew Amilyn had been offered the Gatalentan equivalent of the position Leia would be fulfilling for Alderaan in the autumn when the Senate reconvened. She had been disheartened when Amilyn turned it down, not looking forward to spending so much time on Coruscant without her friends or family.

“I’m not, just a Junior Advisor.”

“Isn’t that a really low position?”

“Leia!” Bail and Breha reprimanded together.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. I meant aren’t you too qualified for that? In the Apprentice Legislature, you were always two or three steps ahead of everyone. They offered you the council seat, for Force’s sake!”

“Just because she’s not taking the highest position, doesn’t mean she is not in the _perfect_ position,” Breha said. Leia still looked unconvinced.

“We’ve been discussing this all morning,” Amilyn chimed in, “I’m not royalty, nor am I a high born. The more inconspicuous I can be, the better. This way I’ll be able to return to Coruscant and Gatalenta, still have access to the Senate’s database, but stay out of the limelight. Also, it will not be unusual for me to disappear for large chunks of time under the guise of research. Hidden in plain sight, see?”

Her father nodded, “Gatalenta’s history of non-violence is the perfect veil for concealing Amilyn’s involvement in the Alliance. Meaning she can gather intel that would appear suspicious to a member of the Senate from another world.”

Leia nodded in understanding.

“Well, I’m happy I will have someone to visit on Coruscant!”

Amilyn smiled, and the seriousness of the conversation melted away. Leia was amazed at the blue haired girls capacity to make her feel safe and happy.

“How you could leave this beautiful planet for Coruscant is truly beyond me. Your mother was just showing me around the palace gardens, they are exquisite! The combination of the plants themselves and their placement creates the most wonderful aura.”

The edges of all three Organa’s mouths twitched with humour. 

“Thank you, Amilyn, Leia and I take great pride in the upkeep of them.” Breha said, “It is a shame you won’t be here for the end of the New Moon when all the lunar lilies open.”

“Wow, I imagine they’re magical. It is amazing that your New Moon lasts for 6 days here. It’s so revitalizing to be exposed to so much newness for so long. Makes you feel like a new person.”

Leia, having learned to put more stock in Amilyn’s ramblings than not, said, “Now that I can actually agree with. I do feel refreshed and different this morning, but maybe that’s just because of yesterday.”

Bail laughed, “You two enjoy it when you're young. Truth be told, at this age, I regret to say I do not feel new.”

Breha nodded, “I wouldn’t mind a touch more newness.”

“Hmmmm." Amilyn hummed tilting her head back and seeming to gaze off into space, "Don’t be disheartened just yet. You’ve got two more days and tomorrow is meant to be blustery; perhaps something fresh will blow this way.” Amilyn replied slipping into her hypnotic monotone. 

They were interrupted by a messenger droid, who informed them that Amilyn’s ship would be ready for departure in 3 hours. Bail thanked the droid then turned back to his daughter and her friend, “In that case, Amilyn you must join us for Lunch.  

“Thank you, your highness.”

“And you can forgo the titles, dear, while you are under our roof as a friend of Leia’s.”

Amilyn nodded her understanding and flashed another bright grin. Leia couldn’t recall a time in her life when she had ever introduced her parents to a friend of hers other than Keir.

_That is because I never had a friend that was worth introducing._

The normalcy of the situation seemed especially special. Leia focused all her energy on committing the experience to memory, cherishing her family and friend enjoying a splendid lazy morning, somehow knowing it would never happen again.

**\--**

Lunch was an easy affair, and it wasn’t long before Amilyn and Leia were standing on the launch pad saying goodbye. The wind from a departing ship whipped over the flat tarmac, sending Leia’s already messy braids into a flurry and Amilyn’s scarlet cape billowed and snapped in the wind, her hair scraped back in a traditional ponytail. 

“We will see each other soon,” Amilyn said, reassuring herself as much as Leia. They watched as the remaining supplies were carried aboard the _Moa II_. The fuel link was unattached and coiled away. “Thank you for a lovely day, and thank your parent’s again for welcoming me so fully.”

Leia nodded and thought popped into her head. “Ami, how do you think your parents are going to feel about you spending so much time away?”

Amilyn’s face fell, and Leia had a sudden crushing realization that she had never heard Amilyn mention her parents, nor had she ever thought to ask. Suddenly feeling like a terrible friend, her face flushed in embarrassment and she mumbled a quite apology, “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked.”

“That’s okay. On Gatalenta we are mostly raised by our community, anyway. We believe it is the best thing for children, to have exposure to many different lifestyles and opinions. But my actual parents disappeared a few years ago. They left the planet for a trade meeting and just never came back.”

“Oh Ami, I’m so sorry." 

“It’s okay. It really is. We are lucky in any love that surrounds us. And I am not lacking.”

“You really do have the perfect answer for everything. It must be all that mediation." 

Amilyn laughed, “I’m not too worried about the community. Believe it or not, I’ve always been the odd one out – “

“Oh, trust me, I can believe that!”

“I doubt they will think that much of me consistently being off world.”

Amilyn’s face was as happy and carefree as ever, but Leia was able to read between the lines and look past her constant good spirits. No one on Gatalenta would really miss her. 

Her heart ached, filling with regret for the blue-haired girl who was so often overlooked. Spectacular Amilyn, with her wealth of knowledge and need for justice. She gained a new found respect for Amilyn's endless positivity.

Leia refrained from reaching out to her friend.

 “Are you okay?” The Gatalentan asked. Leia had been so lost in her own thoughts, she hadn’t noticed that the _Moa II_ was ready to leave. The grounds crew had cleared away, preparing for take-off, and they were the only two still standing on the landing pad.

“Take care of yourself,” She said, repeating her words from the night before, “Turn’s out I quite like having you around.”

“Oh, well that’s a relief!” Amilyn chimed in a sing-song voice, “Otherwise these past few days must have been _unbearable_ for you.” Leia smiled fondly at her antics.

“I mean it Amilyn. Please be careful.”

 Amilyn nodded, seriously. “You too. Not that you need telling, but those “mercenary missions” aren’t exactly risk-free.”

“Hey, we’ve made it this far! That’s got to count for something.” Leia had said it as a joke, but they both knew that things were going to get much more difficult for the Alliance. War was brewing, and they had lined themselves up to be in the front lines.

The warm glow of the morning began to fade from their hearts and the cool afternoon sky had fully settled overhead.

Amilyn reached for her friend, enveloping her in a tight embrace. Leia breathed in the warm scent of tea and incense that clung to her friend. Amilyn pressed a quick kiss to the crown of Leia’s forehead. “May the force be with you, Always.”

They released each other and shared one last small smile. Leia felt unreasonably cold as she watched as Amilyn’s thin frame climbed the boarding ramp and the ramp and the ship pulled away. The Rosminium necklace that was tucked into her necklace felt heavy began to pull down on her neck, despite weighing almost nothing. 

\-- 

Leia made her way back to the palace in search of her parents, still revelling in the joy that they had taken a day away from their rebellion to be with her. She had always had a talent for finding them, even in the enormous building. Leia would just think intently on one of her parents, and, by no will of her own, her feet would lead her to them.

 It came as no surprise that her feet led her to the gardens, to where her mother was kneeling down, pulling fallen leaves off a budding flower.

“Hi, Leia. Did Amilyn get off alright?” Leia nodded, “Sit with me a minute.”

They both sat on the same bench they had been on after the disaster on Naboo, and this was quickly becoming their secluded corner of the garden.

“Where’s Dad?”

“Your father is just taking some time with his thoughts.” Leia looked concerned. “No need for you to worry, sweetheart. It is just hard for him to admit that you have been well and truly dragged into this conflict.”

“But, I thought he said – “

“He is not going to go back on his word. You are still a councillor, and, even though we have realized this is as much your fight as ours, if not more…It is not easy for us to expose you to any danger, let alone a situation as risky and volatile as this.”

“I know this is right, mom. Don’t ask me how I couldn’t tell you. But something in me is telling me that this is exactly where I am meant to be." 

Breha nodded, not showing her internal panic that her daughter seemed to have tapped into the power she inherited from her birth parents. For one quick moment, Breha was inclined to divulge to Leia the truth of her lineage. _No, she does not need to know that yet. I can no longer protect her from much, but I can protect her from this._

Instead, she quickly changed the subject. “Amilyn is absolutely charming. Your father and I both thought so. We enjoyed her company immensely. She certainly marches to the beat of her own drum.”

“It’s sad that most people find it hard to warm to her quickly. I mean she’s a bit weird, but I’, glad you all got on so well.”

“It’s was refreshing. There is little joy to be had in being normal. And, I don’t think anyone could accuse Amilyn of being normal.”

Leia laughed at this.

“More importantly, she seems to care for you immensely,” Breha said with more seriousness.

“Ami is a great friend.”

Breha hummed in agreement, although there was an undercurrent of amusement in her expression that made Leia feel like she was missing something. “Indeed, and I’m sure she will continue to be.”

Both women of the House of Organa stood as they heard the approaching footsteps of the viceroy.

“Tomorrow we will go through the planets we want you to recruit from. Your mother and I have won over their leadership, now it’s up to you to win over their people.” Bail said seriously. After a brief pause, he smiled warmly at his family, “But tonight, I thought we’d go into the city for dinner and just be a family.”

\--

The first half of her induction by the Council of Mothers went smoothly. Amilyn sat in the courtyard of the Executive Capital building on Gatalenta, attempting, and failing, to join the council in an evening meditation. The surrounding structures were made from the same cloudy white crystal, cut in large slabs with little ornamentation. While the courtyard was calm and sophisticated, its imposing, blank white buildings had always seemed suffocating to Amilyn. Although she had always enjoyed the gentle sway of the tall trees with pine like leaves that lined the garden. The deep green colour of the trees breathed a little life and movement to the white glass-like backdrop. Her disdain for Gatalentan simplicity had lessened since she had stopped trying to oppose it in every way. Instead, she allowed herself to be at peace and grounded on her home planet than she had before, finding a pleasant comfort in the modesty of the Executive City.

She meant what she had said about feeling like a new person, finally being sure in herself. Secure in who she was and what she believed in, slipping into an effortless balance of her home worlds traditions, her own personality and a newly gained purpose with the Alliance.

Why then, with all her newly acquired peace of mind, was she finding it so difficult to join the others in a meditative trance?

It was a tradition that when a new member of Gatalenta’s government was sworn in, they would mediate with the Council of Mothers. It was meant to build the trust and openness that their system valued.

Blue eyes travelled up to the sky, blazing with colour during the sunsets of Gatalenta’s multiple suns, and she willed herself to let her thoughts go.

It was easy enough to free her mind from the moral snares of joining the rebellion. She had been truthful with Leia last night on the roof; she had made her peace with that decision. Nor was she troubled by the idea of her spending more time away from home; she had always been excited by adventure.

She felt such strong resolve in these decisions that the fact that she was raging with inner conflict was infuriating. 

She’d tried countless times and failed to let her consciousness slip away. Whenever she closed her eyes she remembered watching the blue orb that was Alderaan fade into nothing. It was only earlier that day, but Alderaan already felt like a distant dream. Leia felt like a distant dream. 

Amilyn was, and always had been, open and honest with herself and her feelings. She knew her interests lay outside the realm of humanoid males. While it wasn’t common on Gatalenta, there was very little stigma against it. So she’d always been fine feeling the way she felt romantically, even experimenting with other girls at meditation retreats.

Having been aware of her crush growing over the past few months, after much contemplation she had arrived at the conclusion that there was nothing to do about it except ignore her feelings, in the hope they dissipate. Rationally, she knew Leia had never shown any interest in her. Nor should it be high on her list of priorities with the oncoming war brewing.

She was struggling with the concept of pushing down her adoration. It felt unprincipled to deceive herself and her emotions, but it didn’t seem as if she had another option. Leia had not only claimed to only be interested in humanoid males, but had put Amilyn in a high position of trust in her life. _I can’t take advantage of that by drooling over her like a hungry Gammorean._

Yet, no matter how desperately she tried to be resolute in this decision, her mind swarmed with images of her friend. How beautiful she had looked last night, dimly lit under the night sky. The way her white nightgown had hung delicately off her small frame, although Amilyn knew that the person wearing it was anything but delicate. The way her eyes scorched with fiery determination made Amilyn’s heart swoon. Her lips burned with the memory of pressing a light kiss to her friends forehead, having been so caught up in the moment, not realizing she what she was doing until she had.

And she was back to square one.

_Ugh! This is impossible!_

“Advisor Holdo,” the head Mother of the Council said in her monotonous drawl, having opened one eye “Your restlessness is apparent.”

“Yes, Mother Flourin. Forgive me for the disruption.” The Gatalentan religion was based on belief in the force, giving its more mature practitioners the ability to detect the way it flowed around people. Amilyn blushed as the other members of the council too opened their eyes and left their meditation behind. 

“There is nothing to forgive, dear girl.” Another Mother said, Amilyn could not remember her name. “There is no shame to be had in inner conflict. You must already know it is not beneficial to neglect our emotions, especially those of friendship and love. They bring us the greatest joy.”

Amilyn blushed and nodded, simultaneously accepting the wisdom of the council and wishing the dark green earth would swallow her up. Mother Flourin looked at her with a too knowing look, and exercising mercy on the girl, proceeded with the ceremony.

“Amilyn Holdo, we accept your desire to serve Gatalenta in the Imperial Senate. We find you intentions to be honest and honourable.”

Amilyn bowed her head in appreciation and the head mother mimicked her action, then continued. “We understand the value of your discretion, but it must be said, that regarding your other new commitment,…”

Amilyn’s heart sunk and she internally cursed herself. She had heard of Mother Flourin’s physic ability stemming from her connection with the force, and she had seen right through her

“There is nothing to fear. We respect your choice of decisive action. You will always have a home on Gatalenta, and when the time comes, you will have our support. Until then, we must remain out of this conflict to protect our values and, more importantly, our people. We will not speak of this again.”

Amilyn was grateful that she was not expected to respond, as her mind was racing too quickly for her to keep up.

The head Mother rose from her seated position and opened the white crystal box that sat in the centre of the circle. Amilyn knew that it contained her Gift of House, an item that was different for every person who was to serve Gatalenta. She removed an Osmium headdress made of many rings and clasped it onto Amilyn’s ponytail.

“The council has chosen this as your Gift of House, representing the many suns of Gatalenta. We want to honour your sacrifice for the benefit of our world.  Like our suns, the people of Gatalenta look to you to help bring new light to the galaxy.”

\-- 

A week following her induction found Amilyn exiting a mid-size freighter with a shipment of Gatalentan tea on the Triellus Trade Route. She scanned the extensive series of landing pads that made up the trading post in the Enarc System. She had approximately 3 hours before the freighter that was cleared for delivery to Kellar would leave. 

She’d been given the pad number in advance and headed in the direction of the centre traffic control.

“Amilyn Holdo, clearance for passage to Kellar.” She said to a stormtrooper who stooped her for identification.

The stormtrooper pointed her in the direction of a small sized freighter. Little did he know that the freighter was not headed to Kellar. At least not immediately.

She repeated the message Mon Mothma had given her on Alderaan and was allowed to board. Some 50 people we already waiting, sat on the ground or leaning against cargo crates.

“We’ll be stopping off at Crait first, then Dantooine.”

\-- 

**2BBY – Tantive IV**

Leia’s dreams were growing darker as time passed on. Reoccurring visions of huge battles, a dark moon rising on the horizon of Alderaan, dual suns setting on a desert landscape, the cluster of stars that were once the Carous system vanishing from the sky, depictions of violence; these dreams not only haunted her nights but preoccupied her mind during the day. They felt heavier than just her minds imagination as if the universe was trying to tell her something.

She heaved a heavy sigh, gazing at the hyperspace tunnel surrounding the Tantive IV. 

“Are you alright Princess?” Ress Batten said from her commanding seat on the bridge, “You look like you’re lightyears away. If you’re tired, we still have a few hours until we arrive at Dantooine, you could get some rest.”

Leia shook her head, not eager to open her mind to her nighttime visions again. She sat next to the gold skin Alderaanian, grateful that her confidant had taken over secondary control of her crew.

“Ress?” 

“Yes?”

“Do you think we’re doing the right thing?” Leia asked referring to some 400 Tarisian recruits that were currently holed up in the crew quarters awaiting their arrival to the rebel base. “I mean, bring all these people into a civil war and – “

“You can’t start to think like that.” Ress interrupted, “War would have found them whether we brought them too it or not. The stronger we are the less we will lose. Your concern for the morality of your actions makes you a great leader. But you have to respect other’s choice to stand with you.”

Leia nodded.

While she was not serving the Imperial Senate, each day saw her on a different mercenary mission, bringing aid to different regions of the galaxy. However, her missions had more purpose than they had when she was fulfilling her Challenge of the Heart. She was subtly recruiting for the alliance. With every planet she visited, more people would sign up to aid the cause, and she would smuggle the new recruits to trade centres, where they would be taken to a base.

With every trip, the burden of being a figurehead and poster girl of a young and liberal rebellion got heavier.

“Plus,” Batten continued, “With all the pollution on Taris, you’ve probably doubled all their life expectancies.”

Whether or not she was joking her comment did comfort Leia. They sat in silence until the hyperspace tunnel snapped away and the

Being from Taris herself, Senator Tynnra Pamlo stepped forward to greet the new recruits. She was flanked by Bail Organa and a woman Leia hadn’t seen in months. She received a gentle smile and curt wave from Mon Mothma.

If Mothma was here, her cell of the alliance would be. Which meant that her inner circle would be here. Which meant Amilyn. 

She hadn’t seen Amilyn once since her Day of Demand. Whenever she made it to Crait or Dantooine, Amilyn was with Mon Mothma’s cell helping aid in the transfer of the Alliance to Yavin 4. Or away on a mission in the outer-rim. And whenever Amilyn was on Coruscant, Leia was away with the _Tantive IV,_ only to return after the Gatalentan had departed _._ It was rare to have both Bail and Mon’s cells in the same base at the same time, and Leia was working under her father’s instruction. 

After five months of never being on the same planet, it was beginning to depress Leia.

Once the induction had completed, and the recruits were being shown to their quarters, Leia stepped off the loading dock right into her father's arms.

“Well done Leia, another successful mission. We’ll have Mon’s cell outnumbered in no time!"

“It’s not a competition Bail. We _are_  on the same side, remember?” The red-haired woman said with her usual grandeur. “It’s wonderful to see you Leia, it’s been too long.”

“Unfortunately, you won’t have much time to relax here. we have left quite a heated council debate behind. It will reconvene at the command table almost immediately.”

“Bail, you already know I will not be attending. I am going to go to Coruscant immediately, with or without the Council’s approval. The loss of Phoenix was the final straw, and It is time.”

Bail nodded, looking grave. “You know I don’t agree Mon, but I won’t try to stop you. And you’ve got a solid evacuation plan for yourself? They’re hardly going to let you walk out of there without putting up a fight.”

Leia looked on with confusion and piqued interest. Whatever Mon was off to do was obviously a little dicey.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got it all sorted. Now you need to go sort out _that_ mess in there.” She said nodding her head in the direction of the base. Leia knew she was indicating to the council room, a large chamber with a circular table where the leaders of the rebellion would meet. 

Leia had never actually attended a council meeting for the Alliance, having never been at the base. She nodded at her father and made to move away to allow her father to return to the debate.

“And where do you think you’re going? You’re a member of this council now, if you’re at the base you should be at the meetings.”

Leia’s eyes widened at the invitation, finally earning her place at the table. Bail chuckled, “I think you have more than proved you are indispensable to the alliance. We value your judgement.”She was so shocked that if her overwhelming excitement hadn’t taken control, she could have stood on the landing pad in astonishment for hours. Instead, she followed her father’s steps into the base.

\--

Leia almost wouldn’t have recognized her amongst the chaos of the enormous hanger if it hadn’t been for the unnatural shade of flaming scarlet curls. Dressed in a standard uniform, Amilyn looked very different to the last time Leia had seen her, apart from the vibrant hair. She was dressed in tight white trousers, covered with pockets and had 2 blasters strapped to her hips. Her cream top and the dark vest was standard issue for middle command. Heeled combat boots and a silver headdress added to her already imposing height. Leia thought Amilyn had finally grown into her height, no longer looking awkward or gangly, but grand and stately.  Her face looked different too, older, sterner and less happy-go-lucky; her newly appointed position as Captain suited her well.

Simply seeing Amilyn’s profile was enough to conjure an intense yearning for her best friend. Leia drank in the sight of her friend who was gesturing to an orange-clad Lieutenant. She stared at how she walked with elegance and poise that the Gatalentan had never possessed. Leia wasn’t prepared for an unfamiliar tug in the pit of her stomach.

 She heard Amilyn’s voice composed and steely, but underneath that Leia could hear her friend’s trademark serene monotone.

“Alright, Lieutenant Dinnes, I want all three squadrons of this unit prepped, fuelled and ready to go at the drop of a hat. We could receive the orders any time from 2 hours ago, and I don’t want any dawdling when we do!”

“Yes, Captain.” The Lieutenant nodded, her short blonde hair messed from removing her helmet.

“If we have to borrow R2 units from Unit 11’s Gold Squadron, they’re off duty for the next few days and I have cleared it with their Captain. And ready the cruiser for a long haul, we could be gone for a while.”

“Yes, Captain.” The Lieutenant repeated and began to draw away

“Oh, and Zal,” Amilyn grasped the other woman’s upper arm and said much more gently, in a more Amilyn manner, “Get some rest. I know you’ve been readying the fleet for going on 20 hours. You can pass those orders onto Garven, he looks far too comfortable over there.” She indicated over to one of the many orange-clad pilots sitting comfortably atop an ammo crate, chewing on a ration bar.

Zal smiled, “Thank you, Amilyn.”

“I will let you know if anything happens, but, honestly the council has been debating for hours. I doubt a couple more is going to make that much of a dif – " 

Amilyn dropped off, having noticed something on the edge of her vision. Not something but someone. Someone dressed in a familiar white dress and hood, looking incredibly pristine and presentable in the mess and dust of the hanger.

Bright blue eyes met Leia’s. Zal followed Amilyn’s gaze and seemed to sense that she no longer held the Captain’s attention, so excused herself to pass on the orders to Garven.

A familiar loopy and crooked bloomed on Amilyn’s face, her wide eyes crinkling in joy. She let out a light laugh at the sight of the Princess. The pandemonium of a squadron preparing for battle seemed to slow and fade around them. The look of admiration and surprise on Amilyn’s filled her with delight, and before she knew it, she found herself rushing towards her oldest friend.

“I knew the intrinsic ambience of the base felt lighter than usual, but I didn’t know it was you!” Amilyn exclaimed, clinging so fiercely to her friend she practically lifted the smaller girl off her feet. Leia could do nothing but laugh. 

“Fancy seeing you here, your highness.” The Gatalentan teased, as they pulled away.

“And here I was thinking you were avoiding me,” Leia responded, slipping easily into their familiar banter.

“Sorry princess, but you’ve got me for life.” They both beamed at this, each delighted to be back in the other's company. “By the force, I’ve missed you,” Amilyn whispered before she could stop herself, the desperation in her voice too evident for her liking.

“I’ve missed you too,” Leia admitted. “I kept missing you by a couple of days on Coruscant, it was very annoying of you.”

Amilyn smiled, having experienced similar exasperation at their inability to be the same place at the same time. “Now you’re here, we’ll have to swap schedules,” she said, only partially joking.

“Are you too busy for a quick catch up?”

“Never. You’re the one in red hot demand so just tell me when.”

“How’s now?” Leia not wanting to be apart from her closest confidant.

“Now’s perfect. Let me just make sure Garven can handle doing some actual work. He’s a brilliant pilot, a great squadron leader, but when it comes to organizing the grounds crew…let’s just say he’s a typical fly boy.”

After Amilyn had achieved the feat of getting Garven off his perch on the ammo box and providing some direction to the swarms of orange jumpsuits, the two left the hanger and made their way to Amilyn’s station in the command room.

Amilyn perched on the side of her control board, offering Leia the chair. “How are you? Overworked? It’s been quiet from your side of the universe.” Leia opened her mouth to apologize for not contacting her, “Not a complaint, mind you. I know sending unnecessary communications is risky." 

Leia was grateful for her friends understanding “I’m alright. It feels so good to finally be _doing_ something for the alliance.”

Amilyn hummed her agreement. She couldn’t bring herself to drag her eyes away from Leia’s face. She had used the last five months to convince herself her crush on Leia had been nothing but a fleeting infatuation. Forced herself to forget how Leia made her heart beat thud in her ears, her head feel dizzy and her stomach fizz.

Now here she was, looking perfectly at home lounging in her chair. Amilyn couldn’t help herself from drinking her in so desperately, like someone stumbling across a fountain after endless days in the desert.

Leia was spinning the chair slightly, looking over Amilyn’s section of the extensive control desks, completely unaware of her friend's longing gaze.

“I’ve been keeping up with the HoloNet, but you know how appallingly inaccurate that is.” Amilyn said, forcing herself to say something. “Please do not take this the wrong way, but your spirit seems stretched. Don’t get me wrong, you’re still effervescent with strength, I am just worried.” 

“Oh Amilyn, I don’t have the words to explain to you how far the galaxy has fallen. Every time I think I’ve seen the worst, something else surprises me.”

“To come face to face with so much suffering was never going to be easy.”

“Never thought I’d say it, but I’ll be grateful to spend more time on Coruscant now the Senate has reconvened." 

Amilyn made a face that displayed her distaste. “That city is unhealthy, and its people are insufferable!”

“Hey! What happened to kindness and compassion should be shown to everyone.”

“Alright, that was maybe a bit mean. But I’d much rather be here than there.”

“What has it been like here? Have you been on any missions yet?”

“A few. Nothing too overwhelming. Just a couple trips to the outer rim, mostly to commandeer Imperial ships for supplies. I’ve mostly been finding my feet. I only made captain a month ago.”

“What was all the urgency in the hanger for?”

“To be honest, I haven’t; been told. All I know is that there’s the potential of a mass deployment. My commander isn’t too keen on me. We don’t exactly see eye to eye, one of Saw Gurrera’s Partisans.  I just wanted to make sure we were prepared and he had no reason to complain.”

“You seemed very in control earlier. Leadership suits you.” 

“I learned from the best.”

Leia looked genuinely confused, trying to think of who she meant.

“You! I mean you!” Amilyn said, kicking her friend lightly. “No one here is as selfless, caring and stubborn as you. I’m just a teensy bit worried you might be giving too much. If you don’t take care of yourself, how can you even try to take care of others?”

“I – “ Leia began to protest.

“Uh-uh. You can’t hide your exhaustion from me!”

“Okay, okay, I _am_ exhausted! I haven’t stayed very long anywhere in months. This might be the longest I’ve ever actually been on Dantooine.”

 “You are missing out it can be beautiful. Especially at night. The stars are out en masse here.”

 “Perfect for you, then.”

“Believe me, I’m having a  _stellar_ time.”

Leia eyes narrowed playfully at her friends pun, “Shameless. You are truly shameless.” 

Amilyn donned a fake look of surprise, “Oh, I’m sorry, is this news to you?” 

They fell about giggling, revelling in a joyful moment, knowing they were few and far between.

Neither knew how long they had stayed there, neglecting their duties just this once, indulging in carefree conversation as if no time had passed since they saw each other on Alderaan. However, they were both startled out of their amusement by a blaring alarm, and Admiral Raddus’s voice echoed over the intercom. 

“All command to the council room. Pilots to your squadrons. Crew prepare for mobilization. I repeat – “

Amilyn and Leia looked at each other, reeling from being shaken out of their blissful bubble of leisure so abruptly. The office, which had been a calm quite place to catch up was immediately surrounded by the frantic movement of the rebellion. Majors, commanders and captains were rushing to the council room and pilots were streaming from every direction headed to the hangers.

Amilyn grabbed Leia’s hand and pulled her into the flow of people that were ramming into the overcrowded council room. They took advantage of Leia’s senior status, forcing themselves as close to the table as they could get.

The atmosphere was intense and heated whispers rose up from the other senior senators at the table. They had to strain to pick them out amongst the chaos.

_“I can’t believe she’s done it.”_

_“It was reckless we’re not prepared.”_

_“No, it’s a step in the right direction.”_

_“How can you say that?”_

“Silence!” Bail Organa bellowed. “As you may have heard, Mon Mothma has defected from the Imperial Senate. She has publicly declared her allegiance to the rebellion against the Galactic Empire.” Gasps of shock filled the crowded. “We all knew this was inevitable. Let us not dwell on this as it has been done.”

“The Empire is scrambling in the wake of their worst fears being proved a reality. We have the advantage of time for this brief moment. Our fleet is to be deployed immediately, and divided to destroy as the main imperial blockade in the Hosnian system.”

“While they are not fully armed yet, I regret to say the situation has changed. The Empire have declared the rebellion and official enemy of the Emperor. Be prepared for full engagement.”

Amilyn and Leia’s eyes met again. For the first time, Leia saw fear in her friends blue eyes, and knew her own were reflecting it back.

“Commanders and Captains to your squadrons. And may the force be with you.”

 


	3. Walk Me Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the delay in getting this up, I've had a crazy week.
> 
> ** I wrote the whole thing to P!nk's "Walk Me Home" Which I would definitely recommend listening to while reading because it pretty much sums up this chapter! And I love this song for these two. And its catchy as hell.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQMBlFSu2QU 
> 
> Finally, just a quick warning, towards the end this story finally starts to earn its M rating.

**2 BBY – Alliance Base, Dantooine**

_“I woke this morning all riled up with frenetic energy. I guess now we all know what all THAT was about.” Amilyn said in her usual sing-song manner, although she seemed slightly off._

_“And you’re going to be first to start the attack on the base?” Leia said, jogging to keep up with Amilyn’s as she made it back to the hanger, which was truly a feat in her long dress and cloak._

_“Not at all, my unit will be deployed from the main cruiser when needed. I’ll be a perfectly boring distance from danger, not to worry.” Her airy voice not matching her quickened and purposeful walking pace, helmet tucked under her arm. But again Leia found herself not as convinced by Amilyn’s steadiness as she usually was._

_As soon as they made it to hangar the extent of the Alliance’s navy became apparent. Hundreds of pilots and crew hurried to their positions, many X-Wings and larger fighters had already lifted off their pads and were headed for the sky._

_Amilyn turned to Leia, grasping her hand, “You better head back, they’ll miss you at the command table.”_

_Leia nodded although made no move to leave her friend’s side. She squeezed the taller girl’s hand, “May the – “_

_“Captain!” The Lieutenant from earlier, Zal, rushed up to them cutting Leia off. “Admiral Raddus is looking for you. Almost everyone’s aboard the cruiser and all other units have their deployment instructions.”_

_Before Leia could truly grasp what was happening, Amilyn was swept away onto the cruiser, her hand slipping away. All she caught was a mess of scarlet curls amongst the sea of bodies boarding the Providence-Class Destroyer, and Leia was left standing alone in the commotion._

Leia’s finger’s pressed harder into the rim of the cold metal of the command table, listening to the multiple comms links broadcasting from the main cruiser that had finally finished their attack and raid of the Imperial blockade. It had felt like days ago since they had parted ways, yet it had only been a few hours. Those few harrowing hours, however, had left a lasting impression on the princess. Listening in on a battle had been horrific, and the frightened screams of rebel pilots as they were blasted into space by Imperial fighters echoed in her mind and had shaken her nerves to the core.

To Leia’s utter dismay, Amilyn and her unit had been sent into combat very early on. The rebel fleet had been met with much more opposition than anyone was expecting. Every now and then she would catch Amilyn’s smooth voice through the over-crowded communications unit, unflappably tranquil even amongst the chaos.

Once the rebel fleet had secured the blockade and began raiding for supplies, the various hoots of victory felt empty and meaningless after all that had transpired. Leia could barely bring herself to celebrate with the others.

Mon Mothma had returned to the base while the fleet had been in hyperspace. All comments regarding her actions, both for and against, were halted in the wake of the alliance’s first oncoming battle. While she had always agreed with and idolized the red-haired senator, even Leia found it hard to justify her actions in the aftermath of so much loss. Leia was now stood between her father and the Chandrillan, both donning grim expressions, but their experience in this situation was obvious, both were still calm and assertive. 

“That’s everything, sir. We’ve just received the information and command codes for their other blockades. It’s best we head back to base before they send more reinforcements.”

General Dodonna’s voice rose above the various communications of transports taking imperial supplies back to the cruiser.

“Great work, General.” Leia scoffed, receiving a pointed look from her father.

_How is that great work? All we’ve lost. Was destroying a blockade for supplies and information REALLY worth almost a hundred lives?_

Her disappointed look must have said it all because Bail’s scolding look softened, and he placed a supporting hand on her shoulder. He continued, “Wrap up as quickly as possible and we will see you soon.”

Bail switched off the communications link and a severe silence reverberated around the room. Nobody dared be the first to move or speak. The Alliance had just suffered its first major losses, encountered its first full-blown combat. Leia felt sick, the expansive courtroom felt cramped and too small and the air in the room was suddenly too thin. Her father must have been having a similar experience as he curtly nodded to the other senators, then swiftly turned to leave the room. Mon slowly sat on a nearby control panel, running a hand through her short ginger hair and pinching her temples.

The other senators took this as their cue to disperse, many preparing to check on the survivors of their home planet. When it was just Leia and Mon Mothma left in the large chamber, Leia gave one last sympathetic look to the ex-senator and left in search of her father. The thought of the tall woman sat alone in the aftermath of her army’s bittersweet victory did little to soothe Leia’s turbulent thoughts.

True, they had won the day, but it did not feel like it.

Focusing her energy on her father, as she so often did in the palace on Alderaan, she quickly found him on the bridge of the _Tantive II._ His steely eyes were sombre and grief-stricken, the lines on his face looked deeper and darker as if his expression had been unskilfully gouged out of soft clay.

Leia cleared her throat, voice too think with emotion for her liking, “Are you going somewhere?”

 “I-I need to see your mother.” Leia nodded, also feeling the pull of home. “Once the main cruiser is back, I’m returning to Alderaan.”

Leia placed a hand on her dad’s arm, and at the contact, he promptly turned around and enveloped his only child in a tight embrace.

“I’m so sorry, Leia. I’m sorry you had to be there for that.”

“It’s okay,” _It isn’t,_ “We knew we couldn’t be just a peaceful rebellion forever.”

Bail sighed, still not willing to let his daughter go, “I had held out hope that it may not come to this.”

Leia pulled away, “It has, and now we must learn to deal with the way it is now instead of mourning the way it used to be.” She said this with more confidence than she felt, but seeing her father so distressed was crushing and she would do anything to give him back his strength.

Bail cracked a small smile, and Leia felt a great wave of accomplishment and relief.

“When did you get so wise?”

“It must run in the family.”

This made the viceroy’s smile reach his eyes, beaming with pride at his daughter.

“Will you be joining me back to Alderaan?”

“Of course, I’ll – “ She suddenly stopped in her response. Leia remembered the way her home had been in the months leading up to her Day of Demand, how her parents had drawn away from her as she got older. Now she knew that was mostly because they were protecting her from their secrets. Regardless, the idea of trying to find sleep alone in her large room in the palace after the events of the day did not appeal to her. She had also come to a slightly startling revelation that, actually, after her emotional rollercoaster, the person she wanted to see most wasn’t either of her parents. “Actually, I think I’ll stay for a few more days.”

Her father looked surprised and a little confused.

“It’ll be good for morale for me to hang around and greet the people who return. It was me who recruited a good portion of them for force’s sake!”

Bail nodded, accepting that response but sensing there was more. “And?”

Leia sighed in defeat, “And, I want to check on Amilyn. She’s kind-hearted almost to a fault. If listening to that was hard on me, I can’t imagine what seeing it all must have felt like for her.”

He smiled at his daughter's compassionate concern. “Okay, we will expect to see you in a few days. Now let’s get ready to greet the fleet, then we will part ways.”

There was some celebration and joy at their victory amongst the rebels, some of which Leia even managed to join in, sharing encouraging smiles and handshakes. Yet it was obvious everyone felt the weight of their first major losses. The Alderaan princess couldn’t find the tall Gatalentan amongst the jubilation and mourning, and although her friend wasn’t listed amongst the fallen, she couldn’t help but worry. After what seemed like an eternity of fruitless searching, finally, she spotted a familiar face.

“Lieutenant!” She waved trying to get the woman’s attention. Zal Dinnes turned and greeted the princess.

“You highness, can I help?”

“You haven’t seen Amilyn have you?”

“She stayed behind with the medical frigate, to finish getting all the wounded on board. She should be back in a few hours.”

Leia deflated slightly, internally berating herself for her selfishness. Zal seemed to pick up on her mood shift and offered comfortingly, “I’m sure she’ll be back soon. Her quarters are in the captains’ wing. I imagine she’ll go straight there.”

Leia nodded and thanked the blond woman. She fulfilled her duty of greeting as many members of the fleet as she could before the main landing pad had been almost completely deserted, everyone having headed inside for much-needed rest and respite.

\--

Amilyn turned the corner, lost in thought. Her long limbs ached and her mind was far away and fuzzy, telling her exhaustion was finally setting in. Her body felt used and hollowed out by the adrenaline and tension of her first battle. Her movements were artificial and false and she was struggling to come to terms with being back at the base after all she had just experienced; as if she expected it to be different now, and here it was the same. Emptier, but the same.

Flashes of explosions and cannon fire exploded behind her eyes whenever she blinked and her heart was heavy from helping evacuate the wounded rebels from the base. Her usually high spirits were dampened, and she felt decades beyond her 18 years. Accustomed to her emotions running close to the surface, she knew she was repressing all she was feeling, but the listless emptiness of her mind was coldly comforting.

Lost in her thoughts, or lack thereof, Amilyn didn’t notice the lightly snoozing form sat on the step of the threshold of her quarters until she was stumbling over her.

“Ow!” Leia exclaimed, having been practically kicked into awareness. 

“Oh my goodness, Leia! I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” Amilyn said over apologetically, pulling the princess to her feet, “Although, in my defence, that’s a silly place to sleep.”

“I didn’t know your codes,” Leia said lamely, brushing dirt from her white dress. Amilyn had never been so happy to see her best friend, not realizing how much she was craving her presence until now, finding her asleep on her doorstep.

“How long have you been waiting out here?”

“I can’t be alone with all that’s on my mind. Can I – uh –“ Leia faltered, only now realizing that it might be overly intrusive of her to assume she would be welcome in Amilyn’s sleeping quarters. “Can I stay with you?“ She finally forced out.

The Gatalentan studied her friend’s expression for a brief moment, taking in the subtle changes in her demeanour that the toll of the day had brought. She placed an encouraging hand on her shoulder, punched in her codes and guided Leia into her sleeping quarters. Amilyn had sworn to keep her crush at a decent distance to help her overcome her feeling, but the idea of not being alone after all she’d seen was too tempting to resist.

The automated door shut behind them with a hiss and Leia took in the standard Captain’s quarters that had been decorated and filled in a style that was so distinctly Amilyn. Glimmering crystals and jewellery covered the main table, along with a dizzying array of colourful jars filled with Gatalentan tea. An enormous seashell had a disc full of incense that Amilyn had busied herself with lighting, filling the room with a subtle and cleansing aroma. Leia ran her hand over a large box that took pride place on the small surface, and a quick peek inside told her it was full of a plethora of multicoloured hair dyes.

She smiled fondly at her friend, “How do you find the time to keep this up?” She said patting the lid of the box closed.

Amilyn smiled, “If it deserved to be done, the time will find itself. Besides, I’d die of boredom if I couldn’t add at least a _little_ flair to this drab uniform.” She indicated to what she was wearing and immediately wished she hadn’t. It was covered in dirt, burn marks and stained with blood. None of it was hers, but it did too good a job of illustrating the macabre of the day.

The fabric suddenly felt itchy and uncomfortable. “Sorry Leia, but do you mind if I – “ she cut off an gestured to the ‘fresher.

“Of course not, go ahead.”

Leia spent the time Amilyn was in the ‘fresher relaxing in being surrounded by Amilyn’s personal belongings and feeling so immersed in her friend's space. Knowing there were few boundaries between them she quickly changed into her own nightgown and made herself busy by perusing Amilyn’s extensive jewellery collection. She pulled the crystal that hung around her neck out of the neck of her dress, and played with it, looking at the familiar seems of gold in green.

A few minutes later, Amilyn emerged in a silk camisole and flowing trousers, bare shoulders wrapped in a tasselled shawl. She went straight for the bed and collapsed in exhaustion, before forcing herself up into a sitting position.

She met Leia’s eyes, and the princess didn’t need words to know what that look meant.

_Tell me what’s wrong._

She sighed at her friend’s perceptiveness and finally gave voice to the question that had been haunting her mind. It suddenly all came out in a frantic rush, “How can I ask people to sign their lives away now we know what it is going to be like. It’s because of me so many people are here, I’ve asked them to be, or my parents have. Kriff, Amilyn, even _you’re_ here because you got mixed up with me. My best friend and I’ve all but thrown you into the line of fire!”

“I forbid you to feel guilty about that. That was my choice too. And with all you’ve seen, you know better than most the reason this war is necessary. Please don’t lose sight of that”

Leia nodded her head begrudgingly, “I know that. I _know_ it’s right, I just didn’t expect it to feel this wrong. Ugh, that doesn’t even make any sense,” Leia sighed deeply, rolling her eyes in her frustration. With what she was frustrated, she couldn’t quite pinpoint. Amilyn looked concerned “I guess I’m just struggling to say what I want and feel because I don’t even know. Which is even _more_ irritating because I always have an opinion on everything and now – It’s not coming so easily.“

Leia broke off again, all but falling to sit on Amilyn’s bed, holding her head in her hands.

Amilyn could sense the disappointment in her friend, and her heart ached for Leia. She knew the Alderaan Princess was so passionate about standing up to the Empire, but she also knew this wasn’t her ideal way of going about it. Amilyn stretched her arm out towards Leia, and the shorter girl leaned into her embrace, tucking her head into Amilyn’s clavicle.

“You don’t need to say anything. Not to me. It’s been a long day. Everything will seem a little easier in the morning.”

The princess was thankful for Amilyn‘s effortless understanding and relaxed into her embrace.

“You’re still wearing it?” Amilyn whispered. Leia looked confused until she followed Amilyn’s gaze to the golden chain around her neck and the crystal that sat atop her nightgown.

“Every day.” Leia felt slightly bashful and self-conscious in admitting it. But she quickly remembered the fear she felt at potentially losing her friend and decided to be open with how much the trinket meant to her. “It reminds me of you, and the courage and wisdom you always seem to be able to spare for me. It keeps me strong.”

Amilyn’s heart was filled to the brim at her words, and she gave Leia the first genuine smile she had been able to manage since landing back on Dantooine. She pulled out of the embrace but firmly clasped her friend's hand.

They both wordlessly admitted defeat to the day, and without needing to talk slipped into the small bed and turned off the lights.

Amilyn, too drained to take in the meaning of their proximity, and Leia, grateful for her friend's closeness and support, both slipped easily into a deep dreamless sleep, hands still entwined above the sheets.

\--

“Did Leia not follow you?” Breha inquired as she guided her exhausted husband from his ship into the palace.

He shook his head, “She stayed behind. She wanted to check on Amilyn. It’s reassuring to know we’ve raised her to be such a caring friend.”

Breha pursed her lips and hummed speculatively.

“What’s that face for?” The viceroy asked the Queen.

“Well,” Breha said carefully, “I’m not entirely convinced it’s just feelings of friendship between those two.”

Bail nodded, not quite taking in what his wife had said, paused, then did a double take, stopping in his tracks. “Wait, what? What do you mean? But, I thought…what about Keir?”

“Oh don’t be ridiculous.” The queen gently chastised, guiding her husband to walking again, “You know as well as I do that she may well be interested in males and females. It’s not unheard of in the royal line either.”

“B-but,” Bail spluttered, “She’s never said anything to me! Has she said anything to you?”

Breha laughed conspiratorially, “Oh darling, I’m not sure she even knows herself. Its obvious Amilyn is head-over-heels smitten with her, but she doesn’t strike me as being likely to make the first move.”

Bail still looked a little unconvinced.

“Trust me, I’m never wrong with stuff like this. I was right about us if you’ll recall.”

Bail shook his head in defeat, “Yes, dear.”

\--

The day following the raid at Hosnian Prime was almost worse than the fight itself. Offices, sleeping quarters and X-Wing pads that had been personalized by their previous owners were being swept away with little ceremony, and filled with a new recruit. It was unnatural and unsettling for Amilyn to treat death with so little regard.

When the day was finally drawing to a close, she stepped out onto the landing pad, sending any of the remaining pilots and crew back to their quarters, not being able to bare to see the tired soldiers forcefull going about their duties any longer. The cool breeze of early evening stopped her from following them inside.

Looking out on the airfield, the new X-Wings that had been passed their inspections stood gleaming next to the scorched, battle-worn survivors. The cold-hearted replacement that happened in war was still new to her. For the first time since arriving on Dantooine, she felt the sting of tears and looked up to the immense sky on the edge of night.

Not quite feeling up to the honesty that meditation would bring, but not willing to waste the opportunity of solitude in the refreshing nightfall, she hoisted herself up onto a stack of ammo boxes. Officially off the clock, she took the pins out her hair and removed her gun belt and lay back to take in the approaching tide of darkness.

Pinprick stars gently materialized and they brought the same comfort they always did, no matter what planet she was on, reminding her of the vastness of the universe. Trying to clear her mind, and evening out her breathing she let her thoughts slip away, doing her best not to mull over the events of the past 48 hours.

It would have been impossible for her to tell you how long she had lain there, except when she opened her eyes, the conflagrant purple and orange sunset had been replaced by velvet blackness.

Somehow knowing she was no longer alone, she turned her head to look out over the landing strip to see a familiar small white-clad figure. In one fluid motion, she sat up and swung her legs over the side of the ammo crate and waved at Leia’s approaching figure.

She hadn’t been avoiding her, per se, but Amilyn was more than a little embarrassed she had snuck out of her own room earlier that morning. She had woken up to Leia’s smaller figure covering hers, one leg swung up over her hip, arms wrapped around her shoulders and loose hair tickling her face. The cosy warmth they had created was quickly becoming less innocent with every heavy breath that blew across Amilyn’s neck and corresponding increased pressure of Leia’s chest against hers. Until finally a tingle in her sternum, a pull in her stomach and a definite and unignorably wet warmth pooling between her thighs had Amilyn gently extracting herself from her friends embrace, leaving the warm bed for the cold spray of the ‘fresher. She’d dressed quickly and slipped out the room, allowing Leia to sleep in.

Her skin still burned just by remembering the contact, and months of carefully convincing herself she felt nothing for Leia other than friendship fell away, like water breaking through a damn, washing the barrier away completely. Annoyingly, she also didn’t have the time nor the mental capacity to work through her feelings like she had in the past.

The datapad displaying a list of over a hundred fallen rebels that needed to be accounted for and replaced had felt as heavy in her hand as if felt in her heart. Her own emotions, both her attraction to Leia and her grief for the members of her squad, had to take a backseat.

“Hey,” Leia had finally reached Amilyn’s perch on the ammo boxes, “taking in the view or taking a nap?”

“A bit of both.”

Leia had a bit of difficulty clambering atop the stack of crates, as they were piled well beyond her height. “If your day was as awful as mine, you’ve earned both.”

The Gatalentan hummed in agreement, knowing that Leia must have had a similar experience with the aftermath as she had.

“I’m actually off to Coruscant tonight. I’m going to be stuck there for a while,”  Leia frowned and huffed in distaste, “Something about alleviating suspicions around my family’s involvement with the attack. Batten and Antilles are just preparing the _Tantive IV._ ”

Amilyn nodded, yet remained unordinarily quiet. It felt so beyond selfish to wish Leia could stay, but she wanted nothing more than to ask her not to go.

“Amilyn?”

Realizing she had barely said two words to Leia, Amilyn snapped out of her solemn silence. “Sorry, I – “

“No don’t apologize, I’m just worried about you, that’s all. You always take such good care of me, I want to make sure someone’s taking care of you.”

_There are so many ways I want you to take care of me._

“I know what I said last night about knowing it’s all for a much bigger purpose. But today, seeing how quickly we have to replace those that were lost, it felt mindless and emotionless. Like a machine. And I know the Imperial Army does the same, and I know we must do the same to keep up but…I had hoped we’d be different to them.”

“Amilyn, we are. Different to them, I mean.”

“It didn’t feel like it today.”

“I know.” Leia sighed and looked at Amilyn with so much trust that the red-haired girl knew she was about to confide something quite private. “I had a terrible moment today when I understood, even envied, the idea of stormtroopers. They all dress the same, wear the same mask, have no name, no personality. It makes them no more than a number on a list. It would be easier to deal with.”

Tossing aside her own emotional struggle, Amilyn reached out for her friend's upper arm and squeezed affectionately.

“But then I realized that’s why we’re fighting this thing in the first place. So that people of all planets can be more than just a number, a mindless servant to the Empire. So, yes it’s hard to say goodbye to people when they are individuals we get to know, but that gives them back their humanity. They died their own person, making their own decisions, fighting for something they believed in. There is a comfort to be had in that.”

Amilyn hadn’t realized she was crying until Leia reached up and swiped tears off her face.

“What was it you said to me? You make a good leader because you care.”

Amilyn smiled, “I need to stop giving you advice if all you’re going to do is feed me my own medicine.”

“Then we’d both be buggered.”

They both laughed lightly, sparkling blue eyes met Leia’s steady brown ones.

“Now down to business. I’ve left my bag in your room and I _still_ don’t know your codes.”

Amilyn took this as her cue to hop off the stack of crates. She helped Leia down, catching her slightly as she fell. Amilyn froze as Leia stumbled into her space, grasping each other’s forearms.

“You were right,” Leia said, gazing upwards.

Amilyn was too busy absorbing the pleasantness that came with being so close to the princess. “Huh?” she finally replied, shaking off her distraction.

“You were right about the stars,” Leia said, extracting herself from Amilyn’s embrace and gestured to the velvet black sky above them. “It’s so dark here, I’ve never seen so many stars at once in my life.”

The meaning was not lost on Amilyn, who followed Leia back to her quarters. After _finally_ telling Leia her codes, the two went back into Amilyn’s dorm. The Gatalentan smiled fondly finding that Leia had made the bed and left her pyjamas in a neat pile. She reclined onto the mattress as Leia gathered her belongings.

Finally relaxing in her own space, all the aches and pains of the day came flooding back. Amilyn rubbed her sore neck. Resting on the hard plastic ammo boxes had done nothing for the tension and strain she’d been carrying on her shoulders. Her lithe muscles and tendons strained against her skin so visibly the princess reached out and replaced Amilyn’s hand with her own. Pressing experimentally on her shoulder, Leia's fingers were met with a hard resistance.

“Ami! You’re incredibly tense! You need to take better care of yourself!”

 Amilyn looked guilty “I haven’t had any time for skyfaring or even simple floor exercises in weeks. I guess I’m not nearly as physically relaxed as I’m used to being.”

“I’ve got a few minutes until I need to get going. Get into your sleepwear, my mom taught me the traditional Alderaanian technique for soothing tight muscles. It might help.”

Amilyn hesitated, but the familiar stubborn and persistent look on her friends face let her know no amount of arguing would dissuade Leia from doing this for her friend. Amilyn turned her back to the princess and started to undress, looing her top, combat trousers, and boots, slipping into the camisole and trousers from the night before.

As she was purposeful in facing away from Leia, she missed the way her friend's gaze had latched onto her exposed skin. Leia took more than a moment engrossed in the young captain’s form. Her slender and strong form was enchantingly elegant, and Leia’s breath caught at the sight of muscles and bone shifting beneath flawless skin.

Realizing she was staring, Leia tore her eyes away to stare hard at the floor and blushed fiercely. _What is wrong with me?_

When Amilyn turned around, Leia forced herself to focus and guided her to sit back down on her bed. Kneeling behind her, Leia started pressing firmly on a series of pressure points and the relief for Amilyn was almost instant. She sighed at the waves of relief that washed over her.

With the relaxation brought the return of the arousal from this morning and her body shuddered in exhilaration.

“Are you okay? Was that too hard?”

Amilyn nodded and squeaked out an “I’m fine.” Desperately trying not to give away just how much she was enjoying her friend’s ministrations.

Amilyn was torn out of her own personal heaven by the alert of a droid from outside the room.

“That’ll be Antilles telling me to get a move on.” Leia sighed, drawing her hands away and Amilyn almost cried out at the loss of contact. Not knowing how she managed to pull herself together and faced the princess.

“Thank you, Leia. I feel miraculously better.”

“I aim to please.”

Amilyn smiled fondly yet sadly, having to part ways with Leia again. They’d both already grown weary of this.

“I’ll see you soon. I’ll personally ensure it this time. I need to spend more time of Coruscant anyway, otherwise, my senator might get suspicious. That and I’ve become somewhat reliant on your aura.”

Leia nodded, not even batting an eye at her friends slip into ‘Holdo speak,’ something that had been happening less and less. She bent down for a quick hug, “Take good care of yourself until I can take over.”

Leia shouldered her bag and slipped from the room.

After a moment of stillness, Amilyn groaned and fell back onto her bed. It had been a tumultuous couple of days and spending so much of it in intimate closeness to Leia had left her emotionally agitated and exhilarated.

She’d never allowed herself to let her thoughts about Leia wander past innocent and harmless infatuation. She had already felt guilty for having a crush on her best friend, that whenever any feelings that were more carnal in nature were immediately squashed. Yet she felt like her body’s betrayal had crossed the Rubicon and she permitted all her forbidden fantasies to flow.

Amilyn squirmed in frustration and pressed her face into one of her pillows. As soon as she breathed in, she knew that had been a mistake as the unmistakable scent of Leia filled her lungs. Something in her snapped and the memories of waking up in Leia’s arms and her friend’s strong fingers pressing into her back felt real again.

She inhaled deeply trying to alleviate some of the tightness in her chest and fell onto her back, red curls falling around her. The tug in her stomach had returned for the third time that day, but this time it refused to be ignored. Her skin burned as she trailed a hand down the flat plane of her stomach and under the hem of her sleeping trousers.

Amilyn had never allowed herself this, had ensured she never craved this type of intimacy with her best friend. It had worked in well with her ignoring her feelings, but she was too tired and run down to hold her attraction at bay. Her resolve was caving and it felt so good.

Finally relishing in the arousal caused by waking in the embrace of the object of her affection, she slipped her hand to press against her core. Her breath stuttered and eyelids fluttered closed over hazy blue eyes. After teasing her soaked entrance, she slipped a finger inside her warm centre and let out a moan.

She could feel the pressure frantically building, imagining it was Leia’s fingers inside her, Leia’s hand on her breast, endless brown waves of hair between her thighs and the image of brown eyes looking up at her. These fantasies that had finally been unleashed from her Pandora’s Box mixed with the quick and skilled movement of her long fingers had Amilyn racing quickly towards an orgasm.

When she finally came undone it was with a harsh gasp and a breathy whisper.

_“Leia!”_


	4. After the Glitter Fades

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Chapter Title and the song Amilyn is singing are both from Stevie Nick's "After the Glitter Fades"
> 
> Let's be honest, if Amilyn existed in modern day, she'd be a Stevie fan.

**1BBY - Dantooine**

Amilyn was taking full advantage of the height of the desolate hangar, having managed to rig a pair of pale silks from the scaffolding on the roof. While it was a far cry from the soft gentle cloth walls of a standard skyfaring room, and the concrete floor would be a right-side more painful if she fell, it was spacious and quiet, and that was enough.

She piled her now mint green hair high on her head, loosely tying it back and breathing in deeply in the haze of sweet incense she had used to fill the hollow space. Her traditional Gatalentan windchimes glimmered and tinkled. It had been a while since she’d found the time for this. She effortlessly twirled her ankle around one of the silks and hoisted herself into the air, untethering herself from the ground. Climbing higher and higher, she felt the world fade away into the cloud of incense around her. Going through a set of simple positions, her mind wandered to its favorite topic.

It had been less heart-breaking than she thought it would be, admitting she was completely and totally in love with her best friend. She’d somehow managed to make her peace with it, accepting that Leia would never reciprocate her feelings and there was nothing she could do about that. Instead, she swore to savor and bask in her friendship with the princess, to learn to be content with it and love her in silence.

Exhaling fully, she shifted into a much more advanced skyfaring position, her heel brushing the back of her head, back bending in a relaxing stretch.

She felt a peaceful calm that had grown to be unfamiliar to her, until…

“Wow, I didn’t know people could bend like that.” A voice from the ground startled Amilyn out of her meditation.

The Gatalentan let out a sharp squeal in alarm, slipped and fell several meters before managing to catch herself so she was lying face down in mid-air, parallel to the floor.

“Nice catch.” Amilyn turned to look at the blonde woman leaning against the door frame.

“Zal! You scared the daylights out of me!” Amilyn said, untangling herself and regretfully stepping back to the ground.

“Sorry.” She said although Amilyn thought she seemed everything but. There was something different about the Lieutenant, she seemed overly confident and maybe a bit cocky, leaning against the wall, smirking at her.

Not customarily one for being self-conscious, Amilyn felt incredibly underdressed in her pale leotard and messy hair. “Is everything alright? Are the Partisans kicking up a fuss again about the transfer, because if so, I swear on my life I’ll - ”

“No, no, everything’s fine. I just wanted to talk, nothing important.”

Amilyn generally felt quite relaxed around Zal, the two being close in age and bonding over being young women in command. They weren’t close but got along well enough that Amilyn almost considered her a friend. However, something in her tone had Amilyn unusually alert, and the way her eyes raked up and down Amilyn’s form was offbeat to how they usually interacted.

“I like the leotard.” She said coolly, pushing herself from the doorway and sauntering over to Amilyn, the confidence rolling off her in waves.

_Hang on. Is she_ flirting with _me?_

Amilyn took a step backward in alarm at the situation, managing a shaky, “Thank you.”

The other woman was closer now, pressing on the limits of Amilyn’s personal space, but not breaking any boundaries.

“Don’t look so surprised, you really look beautiful. Not that you don’t usually.”

Amilyn took a steadying breath, this was so not in line with the tranquil harmonious afternoon she had sought out. “Zal, what are you – “

“Wait, hear me out. I know this might seem sudden, but I’ve been caught up on you, on the idea of us, for a while now. I just thought I’d regret it if I didn’t try.”

Amilyn’s stance softened at the honesty, although she was still overwhelmed by the whole situation. “I’m really sorry. I like you Zal, but I don’t think this is a great idea.”

“Is it because you’re my commanding officer? Because, if it is, that’s not unusual or frowned upon. Just look at all of the blue squadrons' command!”

“No, it’s not that at all, it’s just…there’s someone else.”

“It’s the Princess, isn’t it?”

Amilyn was shocked, was she so transparent? If Zal Dinnes had noticed, had others? Had Leia? That thought made her increasingly uncomfortable, she shuffled her feet swearing to be more careful in the future. Although part of her felt relief at having finally addressed her infatuation with someone, so she nodded.

“It’s that obvious?”

“No. Honestly, it was just a guess. I didn’t know you two were together.”

“We’re not. I mean, well, Leia doesn’t…and I’ll never – “ She sighed deeply, running her hand through her hair, loosening it completely out of its hair tie. _Why was this so hard?_

“Look, Amilyn. I don’t mean to be harsh, but even if you are in to her, and _she’s_ not interested in you, _and_ you’re not against the idea of us,” She took another step forward, and Amilyn forced herself not to take another back, “Why not give it a try?”

“Zal, I’m flattered. Really. But I couldn’t commit to anything, not when I’m in love with someone else. It wouldn’t be fair on you.”

“Love?”

Amilyn looked down and nodded, cursing her commitment to emotional honesty.

“Okay,” Zal said quietly, and Amilyn breathed a sigh of relief that she didn’t seem to hurt, “But even if that is the case, what harm could this, just right now, do?”

Amilyn met the Lieutenant’s eyes, and a mutual understanding passed between them. Just right now.

Maybe this is what she needed, a distraction.

Maybe she needed a break from all the wrong happening in the galaxy.

Maybe this would divert her attention away from falling increasingly in love with her best friend.

Maybe not. But it couldn’t hurt to try.

“None.”

\--

**1 BBY – Coruscant Senatorial Offices**

Leia slumped over the cool white top of her desk, eyes stinging with the strain of too many hours studying the screen of her datapad. The Alderaan offices we’re darker than she had expected and a quick glance at her watch told her that she must have been the only person working for several hours now.

She groaned and rubbed her aching eyes. She had been in a persistently bad mood for weeks now. Not even her parents’ visit for her 18thname day had cheered her up. She was seeing less and less of them as the weeks passed by, and the ever-growing isolation from both the alliance and other members of the council drained her as she continued to play the middle ground.

_The base on Dantooine felt different from the way it had when she had last been there. The bustling control benches were empty and collecting dust, and the once cramped hallways felt so empty she imagined the reverberation of her footsteps must go on for days. The evacuations and relocation to Yavin 4 were just weeks from completion, and, apart from the winding hallways of the abandoned base, very little evidence that the alliance had ever been here remained._

_She was following the delicate but fragrant aroma that she recognized as meaning one thing: Skyfaring. And seeing as they had no other Gatalentan recruits, there was only one person that could be burning that specific incense. The ambrosial scent that so frequently clung to Amilyn like perfume was getting stronger and she knew her friend must be nearby. Leia smiled to herself, imagining her friend’s excited and surprised expression at seeing her, and wondering what color her hair was._

_The princess tried not to question why she craved Amilyn’s presence so frequently. Nor why her heart rate would accelerate at the mere thought of her. She put it down to how little they had seen of each other in the past 9 months. Leia was only on Dantooine for a few hours, but that was more time than she and Amilyn usually had to catch up. The past several months had passed with them only grabbing quick glimpses and small snippets of conversations, their differing responsibilities pulling them apart._

_Turning the corner to the entrance, heart beginning to pick up pace in accordance with her quickened stride, she could hear Amilyn’s slow and serene voice. The fullness in her chest that Amilyn’s drawl had caused emptied quickly, her footsteps and heartbeat stopping with it as she heard another voice. She halted in her tracks and peered into the empty hanger, taking in the low hanging cloud of sweet smoke and floating skyfaring silks. At their fluttering ends, she spotted her, wearing a pale blue leotard and pastel green curls falling from her hasty hairstyle._

_With the emptiness of the hangar, it was easy for Leia to eavesdrop on the echoes of their conversation._

_“Even if that is the case, what harm could this, right now, do?”_

_Amilyn’s voice came through as no more than a whisper, “None.”_

_Leia watched as Zal pulled Amilyn into her personal space and settled her hands on the taller woman’s waist. She felt a sharp pang of an unfamiliar feeling at their closeness, looking on as the Lieutenant whispered something inaudible to Amilyn._

_She didn’t want to disrespect her friend's privacy, but couldn’t tear her gaze away as the Lieutenant pulled Amilyn into a kiss. Leia’s heart, that had moments earlier been racing with excitement, plummeted into her stomach that was frantically trying to crawl its way up her throat._

Sitting now in the clinical cream curves of the Alderaan senatorial offices, Leia still couldn’t grasp why the scene had caused such a strong reaction in her.

Was it jealousy? Maybe.

But what exactly she was jealous of she couldn’t quite figure out.

Rationally, she thought the feelings of abandonment and disappointment may be oversensitive of her, but she couldn’t get over them. She knew she had no say in who Amilyn kissed. But that didn’t stop her from regretting that there was someone out there who was closer to the Gatalentan than she was. Why that bothered her so much was still mostly a mystery.

There was a nagging voice in the back of her head that told her that she wishes it was her Amilyn had kissed in the empty hangar. But she’d known Amilyn for almost two years now, and she’d never wanted that from Amilyn before. However, she’d also been the center of Amilyn’s attention, her closest friend and ally. Maybe she was just envious of the time the Gatalentan spent with Zal. That would make sense, right?

Her parent’s hadn’t helped either. They had practically grilled her on Amilyn when they had visited for her birthday. Seeing as she was trying to sort through her emotions, having her parents astutely pick up on her confusion did nothing but agitate her more.

_“The Partisans are becoming quite a problem. Saw’s loss on Genosis has left him rather volatile. Obviously, if we can avoid fighting within the rebellion we will, but his tactics are becoming more reckless.” Bail cleared his throat and looked at Leia who was all but falling asleep over her meal._

_The Queen and viceroy shared a concerned look._

_“Leia?”_

_Her head shot up, not realizing she’d zoned out, “Yes, mother?”_

_“I hope you’re not drowning yourself in too much work. We’ve barely seen you, and while we appreciate your dedication, we’re still your parents and worry about you working too hard.”_

_“I’m fine, really, just a little tired today. Sorry, dad, what were you saying about the Partisans.”_

_“Nothing new, really.” Bail paused, “Actually, uhm,_ Amilyn’s _got quite a few partisans in her current squad.” Leia looked quizzical at the way her father emphasized her name, “So, how is Amilyn?”_

That was a weird segue way, _Leia thought, and she couldn’t tell if she’d imagined her mother kicking her father under the table. The mention of Amilyn was enough to bring Leia’s bad mood to the surface, her forehead crinkling as she pushed food around her plate._

_“Fine, I think. I haven’t seen her in almost two months.”_

_Taking in her frown and forced front of apathy, the royal couple shared another concerned look, leaving Leia to feel more like a chastised child than someone who had just reached adulthood._

_“Is everything alright with you two?”_

_Disproportionately flustered by the question, Leia shrugged. “Yeah, of course. She’s just been – busy.” Leia even surprised herself at how she practically spat out the last word._

_“Oh, honey,” Breha consoled, perhaps understanding more than she let on, “I’m sure you will iron things out with her.”_

_“We’re not arguing or anything. It’s just – hard to explain?” Leia thought,_ Hard to explain because I don’t know what’s going on. _How could she explain that she lay awake every night, consumed by envy at the reoccurring vision of Amilyn and Zal together? How picturing it made her simultaneously want to cry and lash out in anger?_

_“So,” Breha said in a calculating voice, “All this time away from home means I have to ask: Have you got any suitors your father and I should be aware of?”_

_“Mom!” Leia equally exclaimed in shock and groaned in embarrassment. “No! All the people my age on the council are as dry as the Jakku desert, and the middle of a war isn’t exactly the most romantic backdrop.”_

_“Hey! Where do you think your mother and I met?” Bail interjected, “Besides, there are many suitable men and, uh, **women** in the alliance. You sure no one’s caught your fancy?”_

_“Daaaad, no.” the princess whined, absolutely mortified._

_“No, Leia, on a serious note. You know you can tell us if there is, right?”_

_Smiling kindly at her devoted parents, she nodded, “Now can we please not have this conversation anymore?”_

_Bail and Breha look amused but obliged, “So anyway, the partisans.”_

That had been scarcely a few weeks ago, but she still mulled over the way her parents had been with her, acting as if they knew something about her that she didn’t.

She leaned back in her chair and fiddled with the Datapad screen until it switched off, plunging the room into complete darkness bar the low blue glow of artificial light that was impossible to escape on Coruscant.

“Care to explain why you’re sitting in the dark? Are you truly brooding or just aiming for an air of mystery?” Leia’s head shot up to see a familiar silhouette standing tall in the darkened door frame of her office.

“Because, while I like the enigmatic look on you,” Amilyn continued, “It’s been much too long since I’ve seen you, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to actually _see_ you.”

Amilyn switched on the lights in the Alderaan offices, and large bulbous lamps bathed the rooms in their bright warmth. She’d changed her hair since Leia had seen her, cut just above her shoulders, it was now a dark violet which matched her mauve and cream jumpsuit. It was refreshing to see her expressing her unique sense of style, rather than donning the standard issue rebellion uniforms. Heeled boots, osmium halo, and crystal earrings completed the ensemble that was so vibrant and purely Amilyn.

Amilyn’s smile was completely disarming, and Leia felt some of her bitterness fade away and forced herself to smile back. Amilyn floated over to her, regaining some of her etherealnesses away from the stress of the rebellion, and she fell gently into Leia’s embrace.

“I just _knew_ I’d find you here. Still working. Consistent as ever.” Amilyn pulled back and smiled impossibly wider. “Happy birthday. Well, late birthday. I’m sorry I missed it.”

“That’s okay,” Leia mumbled. After months of dwelling on the Gatalentan, now that she was here, Leia didn’t know how to interreact with her. Amilyn hesitated at Leia’s coldness, but brushed past it and continued.

“Do you have any plans for this evening? I was thinking we could celebrate. And since we’re both 18, maybe check out one of those bars that Chassellon recommended.” Still not getting any reaction out of Leia, Amilyn continued talking, ”Not that I really believe anyone would be foolish enough to let him into one. Now there is someone whose presence I have thrived without; if his head was to get any bigger it would break his neck.”

Leia laughed her first genuine laugh since Amilyn’s arrival and the Gatalentan’s piercing blue gazed softened finally breaking the ice of Leia’s unusual standoffishness.

“So that’s a yes then? _Wonderful_.” And gently grasping the princess’s forearms, all but pulled her from her chair and pulled her from her slump. The two left the Alderaan offices behind and wandering out into the many hallways of the senatorial complex.

“You are months behind schedule, Director Krennic.”

Leia stopped in her tracks and threw out her arm to stop Amilyn walking any further; she knew that voice. Amilyn gave her a puzzled look and Leia made a shushing motion.

“Grand Moff, you know there is only so much we can do at a time to maintain subtlety.” And unfamiliar voice spat back, “Due to the magnitude of this project, we are diverting shipments to avoid suspicion. The rebellion has spies everywhere and we can take no risks with this until completion.”

“I will not discuss this further with you. I want construction back on schedule. Lord Vader is growing impatient.”

“Did you not hear me?” Krennic spat, “We need more time to complete the – “

“Director!” Tarkin snapped, in a harrowingly sinister voice that the hair on the back of Leia’s neck stood on end and Amilyn’s concentrated frown deepened, “I said this is not up for discussion. Get it back on track. You have one year. Good day, Krennic.”

Leia panicked as she heard footsteps coming down the hallway, pushing Amilyn around another corner. To their horror, the footsteps turned towards them again, and with no obvious escape route, Amilyn pulled Leia into a slow walking pace and did what she did best: improvise.

“I’m afraid we simply can’t make a larger shipment to Alderaan, we simply don’t have the manpower and the tea yield wasn’t high this year. Apologies, your highness.”

Playing along Leia shook her head, “I just don’t see the worth of importing such small quantities. Ah, Grand Moff Tarkin, how are you?”

The taller man sneered down at her.

“Princess,” he said with usual haughtiness, “A pleasure as always.”

“Likewise,” Leia all but spat back, working hard to keep her disdain from coming through and not altogether succeeding.

“Nice to see you are settling in your role as a counselor. Although we haven’t seen much of you since you started.”

“How unfortunate,” Leia grumbled.

“Hmm. I think the last time we saw each other was just before your little mishap on Paucris Major. Been spending a lot of time off world, have you?”

“The Royal Family of Alderaan prides itself on its service to its people, and you actually have to be there to do that.”

“I’m sure,” Tarkin replied with a sinister grin, “And quite a few missionary trips as well I gather, from your frequent requests for clearance codes.”

Leia stored the information that Tarkin was looking up her clearance requests for later.

“I see no reason not to spread Alderaan’s good fortune. That’s not a crime, is it?” Leia replied with a steeliness in her voice.

“Not yet.” He replied, ominously. “And you,” he jeered at Amilyn, “Must be Amilyn Holdo, of Gatalenta. How interesting that you two have stayed in contact since the end of Apprentice Legislature. Although. I am perplexed at how you two keep in contact, spending so much time away from your responsibilities on Coruscant. Now, tell me, what commitment you both have that could possibly be more important than that of serving the Empire?”

“Not all friendships need to be constantly entertained to be maintained,” Amilyn replied, staying as cool and collected as ever.

“I would recommend you exercise caution in whom you keep company with, Princess.”

“I thought the Emperor wanted to encourage peaceful accord between all planets.”

“I see, you take after your father. Maybe in more ways than one. Although his close friendship with the Chandrillan didn’t end well, did it? At least I hope it did not, considering she is a traitor to the Empire.” The Grand Moff straightened his back and looked gloatingly down his nose, “I’d be careful if I were you, your highness. Especially in the current climate, Bail Organa’s footsteps are not the best to follow.”

Leia opened her mouth to bite back and Amilyn, seeing her friend’s fierce rebelliousness coming up to the surface, decided it was well past time to intervene, “Well I am sorry to break up this _charming_ reunion, but the princess and I have a reservation for dinner. You’re welcome to join, Grand Moff” Leia’s draw dropped at Amilyn’s invitation.

“It’s this new wave Eidritchnan restaurant, it took _months_ to get a reservation. It’s an old custom on Eidritchnaeveryone has to order a different dish. Once you’ve finished, they give you a smelling salt that makes you vomit it all back up again, then that gets cooked into the next course. It’s meant to bring companions closer, consuming one another’s stomach acid.”

Leia felt like she might not need the smelling salts to make her vomit, and a look of complete disgust on Tarkin’s face told Leia he was having a similar reaction.

Amilyn tilted her head, furrowed her brow and added as an afterthought, “Of course we should probably check that our stomach acids aren’t poisonous to each other. I know even in humanoids they can vary widely. I suppose we could just risk it?”

“I think I will have to pass, Miss Holdo. Enjoy your meal.”

“I’m sure we will,” Amilyn said in an overly bubbly voice, waving enthusiastically, “Okay, Bye! Have a nice evening! Come on Leia, we’re going to be late!”

“We’re not actually going to that restaurant, right?” Leia said warily once they were out of earshot.

“Oh, absolutely. Doesn’t it sound delicious? And probably so fragrant too.”

Leia prided herself on being perhaps the only person who could tell when Amilyn was pulling her leg.

“Don’t even joke. You and your obsession with strange customs, I wouldn’t put it past you.”

“I’m all for new experiences, but that might be going a bit too far, even for me.”

“Well, I never thought I’d see the day…”

Dinner was a decidedly un-eccentric affair, Amilyn choosing a small noodle house that came with no strange customs. After they finished eating, Leia decided on a bar that had a warming copper interior and walls that were covered in mossy plants. A live band performed gentle brass music from across the open plan establishment. Settling into two raised cushy chairs at the bar, Amilyn ordered fruity botanical drinks that came in colorful, golden-rimmed glasses. Lounging in the atmosphere of the place, the two filled the time with easy talk, not wanting to pass up the sliver of normality that came with sitting in a crowded bar, catching up with one’s best friend.

“And they are driving me crazy! Every time I think they couldn’t possibly get more reckless, they do.”

While they had to speak in partial code when discussing the alliance in public, Leia knew Amilyn was referring to the Partisans her father had mentioned. Leia smiled fondly at her Amilyn’s rambling.

“That bad, huh?”

“Let me tell you, it’s exhausting! More so than usual. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and life can’t go on like this forever. Nobody wants to talk about life after, not wanting to hope. Everyone is so frightened of the future. I think it’s important, though. It keeps everything in perspective, gives us something to get through the day.”

“What are you going to do when this is all over? Go back to Gatalenta?”

Amilyn chuckled, somewhat darkly “Oh no, I don’t think I could bear to spend the rest of my life meditation after all we’ve seen. I imagine I’ll need a bit of faith to be restored before I can get accustomed to regular society again.” That resonated with Leia, even relaxing in a bar felt foreign. How could they hope to lead normal lives when the conflict ended, if it ever did?

“No more government for me once this is done, either. I’m swearing it off!” She exclaimed with a dramatic gesticulation, “I think maybe I’ll just get a ship and travel. Embrace, enjoy, enchant. Try and make sense of this wonderfully wide and wild galaxy.”

“Sounds nice,” Leia leaned on her elbows, looking at Amilyn, taking in her rosy cheeks and Leia’s face burnt with the warmth of alcohol. “I wish I could join you.”

“Nonsense. You’re far too good a politician and far too caring a ruler to leave Alderaan behind. But you’ll always be welcome on any ship I own.”

They fell into their comfortable silence, something that Leia always cherished about her time with Amilyn was that they didn't need to fill every second with chatter. She was possibly the only person the princess could sit with, in silence without feeling awkward.

"You know," Amilyn said in a low murmur, "We should tell someone about what we overheard earlier. It sounded pretty serious."

Leia nodded, having almost forgotten about their encounter with Tarkin earlier, her mind still fixated on other things. The alcohol must have been going to her head because, before she could stop herself, Leia found herself asking about what had plagued her thoughts for weeks.

“Hey, uhm, what’s going on between you and Zal?”

Amilyn blinked, completely taken off guard by the question. “What? What do you mean?”

“What do you mean what do I mean?” Leia said back, perhaps more harshly than intended. “How long have you two been, you know…” she wasn’t very willing to say it, “…doing whatever you’ve been doing?”

“How do you know about that?”

“I saw you two together on Dantooine, in the last week the Alliance was there.”

“I didn’t know you’d come back to Dantooine! Why didn’t you come to say hello?”

“I did. You were a bit…preoccupied.”

Amilyn had the good graces to look guilty, poking at the ice in the bottom of her drink with the silver straw, “Uhhhh, how preoccupied?”

Something about Amilyn’s expression and the way she wouldn’t meet her eyes made Leia quite suspicious. It was rare, or so she thought, for Amilyn to hide from her. 

“Ami. Did you – Did you sleep with her?” Leia swallowed, deciding she actually didn’t want to know.

Amilyn’s silence was answer enough.

“Is it serious?”

Amilyn, answering quickly this time. “No, no it isn’t. I don’t really think of Zal like that. I mean, she’s nice but I’m not really interested in pursuing a relationship with her or anything.”

“I don’t understand. Then why would you…you know?”

_Because I’m completely in love with you, and you don’t love me back so I’ve got to do something to try to get over that. And now I know that that’s impossible and I’m doomed to pine after you forever._

Amilyn felt incredibly exposed, knowing she had to tread carefully, worried her slightly inebriated state might lead her to give herself away.

“I guess I was just looking for a distraction. It hasn’t been as breezy since we’ve started bigger missions, and physical and emotional whiplash has become unavoidable.” She downed the rest of her drink, “Sometimes life’s too serious to take things seriously.”

“Ha!” Leia barked at her friend's odd perceptiveness. “You know it’s been a while since you’ve come out with something like that. I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I miss your bizarre wisdom.”

Amilyn beamed at that, not accustomed to people finding the stranger parts of her personality endearing. Leia blushed seeing how much that lit up Amilyn’s face.

 “Did it work?”

“Did what work?”

“Your…distraction.”

Amilyn sighed into her drink; at least she could be honest about this, “No. Not really. The loneliness of a one night stand is… hard to take. She was offering more, but I couldn’t accept it. I’m just not in the right space for that, and it wouldn’t have been fair on her if I wasn’t as committed as she was.”

“Ami, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry and push you.” 

“That’s okay. What are friends for if not to talk about stuff like this? It does seem silly though, doesn’t it, to be sat here in a normal bar, having a normal conversation. With all that’s going on, I mean.”

“Hmm.” Leia hummed in agreement, a mischievous smirk on her face, “All the more reason to do it then, right?”

Before Amilyn could reply, Leia had waved down the bartender and ordered another round of the fruity cocktails and Corellian whiskey for them both.

“Hey! It’s _your_ birthday we’re meant to be celebrating. I should be buying the drinks!” Amilyn protested as Leia pushed two glasses in front of her.

“That’s okay,  you can buy the next rounds.”

“Rounds?! Plural? We’ll be completely smashed!”

“Well we’ve definitely earnt it, don’t you think?”

Amilyn nodded, “Be that as it may, I’d like the record to show that I think this is a bad decision.” Yet her eye’s glinted impishly and she took a large sip of her drink.

Leia laughed, “Bad decisions often make good stories.”

“Oh, I’ll drink to that!”

Quite a few drinks later had the two stumbling towards the Royal Family’s apartment. Amilyn was apparently a musical drunk, swaying and skipping and dragging Leia by their linked arms. She was belting out a slightly off-key rendition song from a relatively famous traveling gypsy band that Leia vaguely recognized.

_“For me is the only life that I’ll ever know, and love is only one fine star away!”_ She slipped slightly on the metal walkway but grasped the Alderaan princess firmly to keep herself from tumbling over. “ _Even though the living is sometimes laced with lies, it's alright. The feeling remains after the glitter fades.”_

Both giggling, the taller girl twisted Leia into a quick spin that made her head reel and stomach lurch. It must be the booze.

Feeling wobbly on her feet, Leia threaded her arm back through Amilyn’s as they ambled the last few blocks to the apartment complex. She stole a glance up at Amilyn, who had pulled her tight into her side. Her silvery headdress reflected the city lights as if it was a halo floating above her head, and Leia had to wonder if her friend wasn’t actually an angel. Listening to the tune Amilyn was still singing lowly, she was overcome by a sudden unanticipated desire to place a kiss on her humming lips.

_Woah, what? Where did that come from?_

“I should head back to the complex,” Amilyn said, referring to the dormitories that all junior Advisors were offered for whenever they were on Coruscant. Leia realized with disappointment that they had reached the large foyer of her apartment complex.

“Or you could stay?” She blurted out, not wanting to let Amilyn go now she was with her. “I mean, I’ve got the space.”

The purple haired woman seemed to hesitate, fleetingly lost in her own thoughts, brow furrowed. She eventually nodded then gestured to Leia, “Lead the way then.”

\--

 


	5. Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry for the late update, work has been mad. I hope it's worth the wait!
> 
> Also, my knowledge of what happened on NaJedah is purely from what information I could get from Wikipedia, so I make zero claims to its accuracy.
> 
> Song: Closer - Tegan and Sara

What had started as a warm spring evening, had become chilly and blustery. Yet, undeterred,  Amilyn’s tall slim figure could still be seen leaning against the balcony rail, gazing longingly at the hazy sky.

“Come in from there, you’ll freeze!” Leia called out from within the warmth of the royal family’s apartments. They were both sobering up slowly, and the evening’s revelry had calmed to a fuzzy stillness.

Amilyn was wearing a spare nightgown of Leia’s, which was much too short for her, the hem of soft lavender fabric falling just above her knees. She’d wrapped her exposed shoulders in a blanket from the couch, and she stood barefoot on the balcony that looked over the city.

“I miss them. The stars I mean, when I’m here.”

Leia shook her head but smiled dotingly at her friend’s endearing nature. Braving the chill, she stepped onto the balcony, which, to her bare feet, felt more like glacial ice than crystal cut glass.

“They’re still there, you know.” She said, placing a comforting hand on Amilyn’s blanket-wrapped figure. She looked up to the smoky atmosphere, knowing she would see nothing in the night sky but light pollution.

“I know. But when you spend as much time looking for them as I do, it's disconcerting. When I can’t see them, I can’t help it, it’s like I’m guideless and lost.”

Feeling brave, Leia ran her hand down Amilyn’s arm and slipped it into her hand, entwining their fingers. Not meeting resistance, she reached up with her other hand to rest it on the side of her face, brushing violet curls back that had been dislodged in the wind.

 “I promise you’re not lost.” Leia said firmly but softly, running her thumb over the sharp delicacy of Amilyn’s cheekbone, “No when I’m stood next to you.”

The princess wondered if she had maybe crossed a boundary because Amilyn was looking at her in a peculiar way; as if she had something to say but was using every ounce of her self-control to refrain from doing so. The princess felt an overwhelming wave of affections and there it was again. That feeling that Leia was growing familiar with this evening. The one that made her want to pull her friend down and find out if her lips were as soft as they looked.

Before she could make up her mind as to whether or not it would be a good idea to try to find out, a stronger gust of wind made them shiver in the icy air.

“Come on, Stargirl. My hair’s still wet and it is _freezing_ out here.”

Amilyn followed her inside to the open plan kitchen, dining, and living room. Once inside, Leia went to retrieve her abandoned hair towel, only to turn back to Amilyn shamelessly rummaging through the kitchen.

“Ami? Uh…What are you doing?” Leia said, with a playful accusation, narrowing her eyes but not able to keep down a light chuckle.

“I’m hungry. Why else would I be in the kitchen?” Amilyn answered simply, pulling various items from the cabinets and after looking them over, placing them back with a dissatisfied frown.

The princess let out a genuine laugh. “Nice to know your priorities haven’t changed.” Leia teased and Amilyn tried to look guilty over the top of a box of Alderaanian cookies.

“Want one?” Amilyn said, voice muffled by a mouth full of crumbs, and offered the box out across the counter.

Leia laughed at the innocent look on her friends face. “This isn’t the first time you’ve offered me my own food,” she poked.

“And it won’t be the last. Come on, you know you want one!” Amilyn slurred slightly, shaking the box and gave her a suggestive eyebrow wiggle, which made the princess laugh harder than. Oh, how good it felt to finally laugh.

They spent the next few hours huddled on Leia’s couch, making their way through Leia’s snack selection and watching trashy Holovids. Although Leia wasn’t taking any of them in, too intensely focused on trying to unpack the emotions this evening seemed to have stirred up. Not that this was an easy task in the first place, but it made it a thousand times more difficult when she was acutely aware of everywhere she was touching the Gatalentan, and how captivated she was by every movement. The taller girl had tucked her legs beneath her and was leaning to the side and Leia had nestled herself into her side, Amilyn absentmindedly twirling Leia’s hair.

The Gatalentan had been mortified when she realized she had been subconsciously toying with the princess's unbound hair, wrapping long strands through lithe fingers. Alderaan was unique in the symbolic but significant connotations that came with touching someone's hair, especially when it lay unbraided, free and loose. But Amilyn's recoiling hands and stuttering and flustered apologies were met only with an objection to her stopping and the princess insisting that it wasn't really _that_ big a deal. Which wasn't true, and, of course, Leia knew that. But in her private knowledge of how deeply personal such an act was, Leia allowed her self to be relieved at their closeness, and bask in the experience of the special loving act. 

She wasn’t sure of very much after her revelations this evening, but she was sure she never wanted Amilyn to stop carding her hands through her long locks. She wanted to be shocked at how easily they settled into the intimacy of it, but the more she thought about it, the less surprised she was.

“You’re not paying attention.” Amilyn said, “We should go to bed. It's late and you are already half asleep.

She turned to the clock to see it was well into the early hours of the morning and she suddenly remembered she had a council meeting in scarcely six hours. Amilyn laughed gently at the look on her friend's face and peeled back the blanket that was covering them, pulling Leia to her feet.

Leia felt a wave of disappointment just as they were about to part ways, Amilyn heading for the guest room. She didn’t want the violet-haired girl to disappear from her sights, and again she found herself craving closer contact.

“Why do you keep looking at me like that? That’s the third time tonight.” Leia broke out of her intense gaze long enough to realize that she hadn't moved since standing, and was now still as a statue, unmoving as she had watched Amilyn mill about the living space, shutting it down for the night. 

Instead of responding to the Gatalentan's question, she stepped easily and noiselessly into her space.

Summoning up the last of her bravery, still slightly fuelled by liquid courage, Leia leaned in intent on giving in to her desire to press her lips to Amilyn’s. The last sober part of her brain pulled her off course at the last moment and instead she placed an almost chaste kiss just above the corner of her mouth.

When she pulled back she was blushing hotly and saw a similar rosy colour rise on the taller girls cheeks. Amilyn’s eyes were blown wide with astonishment and the princess didn’t know whether to take her speechlessness as a good or bad sign.

Deciding not to dwell on that, she tried her best to continue as if, while intoxicated and tired and buzzing with warmth and craving her closeness, she hadn’t almost snogged her best friend. 

“Good night. Thank you for a beautiful evening.” Leia said, giving Amilyn’s hand one final squeeze and heading back to her own room.

As she retreated she heard a soft shocked voice echo “Good night.”

In the privacy of her own room, Leia collapsed onto the bed, heart racing like a fathier and her mind whirling. Taking a steadying breath in the semi-darkness, city light gliding in through the open curtains, the princess came face to face with her growing feelings for Amilyn.

She couldn’t deny she had felt a strong attraction, but it seemed to have sprung out of nowhere.

_No that’s not true._

She thought back to when she had surprised Amilyn on Dantooine. How her heart had felt full at simply seeing her and how she had been awestruck by her beauty. How she, who was relatively closed-off and untrusting, had felt so safe and comfortable sleeping in Amilyn’s arms. How fiercely she craved her presence when they were apart, and how intensely envious she had been seeing her with someone else. It all made sense; she had feelings for Amilyn.

The honesty of it felt simultaneously freeing and terrifying.

Frightened of what Amilyn might think of her if she was to find out, not willing to sacrifice the closeness they already shared. But would that ever be enough now she knew what she really wanted?

But how thrilling to be so consumed with someone again.

She tossed and turned for what felt like aeons, unable to get comfortable, mind and heart straining at her admission. Now she had worked it out for herself, she had an overwhelming urge to tell the object of her affection how she felt. Leia quickly brushed that off as a bad idea, rationalizing that Amilyn had never shown any indication that she may want more from Leia than friendship and Leia throwing herself at her might ruin the close bond they shared. Still, she knew she had to pacify her need for Amilyn some way and quieten down her thoughts. Accepting defeat at the hands of her restlessness she threw back the comforter and got up. Amilyn hadn’t seemed to mind the last time they had slept next to each other, maybe her sheer closeness would soothe her enough to get some sleep.

She pressed the control panel and the door opened with a silent whoosh, to reveal just the person Leia was on her way to see, hand raised ready to knock.

“You’re here.”

Amilyn hid her face behind a curtain of violet curls and gave a small nod, “I couldn’t sleep. It was too unfamiliar. Can I stay here?” It all came out in a rush as if the Gatalentan was embarrassed. Taking in her friend’s obvious vulnerability, the resolve rushed out of Leia. “Wait, why are you still awake? Where are you going?”

“Oh,” Leia faltered, “uhm, nowhere. I couldn’t sleep either, I was coming to find you actually.” She said slowly, enthralled by the way Amilyn’s crystal eye’s gleamed in the low light.

Leia stepped to the side as an invitation, and Amilyn didn’t hesitate to enter. The princess pulled back her bedspread and tucked herself in. She turned to see Amilyn standing next to the bed, looking wary.

“Come on, get in.” Leia said gently, gesturing to the spot next to her.

Amilyn swung her long legs under the blankets and relaxed into one of the many pillows that littered Leia’s bed. The Gatalentan seemed to cling to the edge of the mattress, giving Leia her space, but the princess had other ideas in mind. Wordlessly she invaded Amilyn’s space, pulling a long arm to wrap around her shoulders and burying her face into the welcoming heat of her neck.

Leia swore the universe actually narrowed down until it was just the two of them huddled together under her duvet. Her whole body relaxed and her eyes felt heavier than they had after hours of trying to sleep. She nuzzled her face into Amilyn’s neck, both simultaneously breathing deeply and sighing in relief.

“Hmmm. Petrichor.” She heard Amilyn mumble

“Huh?”

“Oh,” Amilyn seemed flustered, “I – uh – I just mean you always smell like petrichor, like rain on dry ground.”

“I like rain,” Leia said, feeling slightly stupid but not being able to think of anything to say between the distraction of having Amilyn so near and finally being dragged into dreamland. “You always smell like incense, in a light airy way. Like its caught in a breeze.” Leia mumbled, her filter disappearing with her awareness, blushing into the darkness.

She felt the light laugh in Amilyn’s chest rather than heard it, and it warmed her heart in a way she didn’t know she needed. The room got fuzzier as sleep tugged ever-stronger, everything becoming vague and bleary except for Amilyn, who remained vibrant, warm, and real in the shadowy pull of slumber. And focusing on her, only her, Leia closed her eyes and drifted off.

When she opened them again, a bright light was cascading in through the window. In the early moments of consciousness, the white of the bedspread seemed to be made of pure light in the intense glare of morning sun. For the first time in months, the princess felt well rested, waking peacefully and not shying away from the day in exhaustion.

Propping herself up on one elbow, she looked down on the lightly snoozing form next to her. Amilyn’s face was relaxed in sleep, and Leia was alarmed at how without her bright eyes and curved smile it was easy to see how exhausted she was. Exhausted but adorable, and the princess couldn’t help but reach over and graze violet curls from her face.

The tickling sensation made Amilyn twitch blink into bleary awareness. At that moment, Leia would have given anything for the promise of seeing the haze of sleep wash away in Amilyn’s blue eyes every morning.

Hours passed by in a gentle stride, the two passed the time content in each other’s company. The Alderaan Senate staff were all dumbfounded when the princess had rushed out at the end of their morning meeting instead of burying herself in a mountain of work.

It came as no surprise both though when idyllic bliss was broken by an urgent holo-communication. Such is the way of peacefulness in a time of war: it never lasts.

“Hello, Leia. Oh, and _hello_ Amilyn.” There was that weirdness in her dad’s voice again.

Amilyn gave a cheery wave from her seat on the counter where she was watching tea steep in a large pot.

“Hi, dad.” Leia replied, “Lucky you should call, we actually need to talk to you. We overheard a weird conversation between Tarkin and some director

Bail’s knitted his brow and frowned, “Hmm, does the name Krenic ring a bell?”

 “Yes! That was it.”

“Okay, Leia it’s very important you tell me everything,” Leia opened her mouth but Bail held up a hand to stop her, “Tell me everything _once_ you've arrived Yavin.”

“Yavin? Now?” Leia questioned, not wanting to leave the perfect day behind, and a quick glance back at Amilyn, who was starting to frown, had similar opinions on the idea.

“Unfortunately, yes now. The partisans are kicking up and Saw Gerrera wants additional support from the Alliance for a mission.”

Amilyn hopped off her perch, approaching the communication point.

 “Amilyn, I’m afraid that means you too. Many of them are in your squadron. Sorry to cut your leave short.”

Amilyn nodded. It all happened in a blur, having to face reality lurching them into action. When they arrived on Yavin 4 on the _Moa II_ , the warm bed and starless sky seemed years away like a distant memory of a dream.

It all seemed simple enough. They had intel that all the Empire’s prisoners of war, many of whom were members of the alliance, had been moved to an internment camp near a military base on a planet in the Jedha system. Gerrera wanted to double the force of his fleet by adding an Alliance Cruiser and its crew to his team of partisans for a rescue mission. Saw had pitched it well, and the council agreed to give him the support.

But when the meeting had adjourned, Leia was left with a lingering sense of doubt and foreboding. Something about this didn’t sit well with her, more so than just her family’s distrust for the extremist leader. Nor did it have much to do with her near-death on Naboo. Even though it was her who had been sent to NaJedha a couple of years ago to ally the alliance and Saw, she’d never had full confidence in the partnership.

She was on high alert and the thought of Amilyn flying with them made her anxious and edgy. Realizing she had feelings for her friend made the risk of losing her feel so much more damaging. She was fidgeting in agitation from her seat at the council table as the listened to Dodonna relay orders for mobilization.

Her father noticed her discomfort and leaned in to whisper, “They’re in Hangar 12C. Go say goodbye.”

Leia looked up at him with wide eyes, how could he possibly have known what was on her mind. Bail chuckled tenderly at his daughter, gave her a wink and shooed her away.

The purple and orange sunset could be seen through the open hanger of one of the Mon Calamari cruisers. It was hardly the most enormous the rebellion had at their disposal, but it would certainly suffice for a simple extraction mission.

Leia spotted her easily in the crowd, her height and hair giving her away. “Amilyn, wait!”

She rushed over to the Gatalentan, who was watching as her purple painted X-Wing was loaded onto Raddus’s ship. The Gatalentan had shed her fashionable jumpsuit and jewellery from the night before, donning the standard orange flight suit. She matched the spectacular sunset behind her. Something in Leia’s resolve snapped at the sight and she threw caution to the wind.

“Leia? What are you doing out here?”

Too out of breath from running to string together a sentence, she simply threaded her hands into violet curls. Doing her best not to overthink what she was about to do, she tugged at Amylin and strained her neck to capture her mouth in a gentle kiss.

Her lips tingled and burned at the contact, and her heart was practically vibrating in her chest. She’d only ever kissed Keir before this, and she couldn’t even begin to compare the two. Amilyn’s lips were soft and loving, and everything Leia had wished they would be. It made her stomach fizz effervescently in the most delicious way. Not lingering too long, in case Amilyn was uncomfortable, she pulled back and missed the sensation immediately.

Amilyn stood speechless, chest heaving and cheeks high with colour. Leia was awestruck at how her wide pupils made her usually light blue eyes look like a raging ocean, and how her pink cheeks made her luminous.

 _Well at least she’s not mad at me,_ the princess thought.

“Stay safe, my Stargirl.” She whispered

“Leia, I – “ Amilyn said with wide glistening eyes, hand hovering over her mouth.

“Shh, we’ll talk later. I just couldn’t watch you go without…well without this.” She said grasping Amilyn’s shoulders even tighter, fingers gripping to the front of her flight suit.

Amilyn responded by pulling her in for a second fiercer kiss, and Leia relaxed into it, clinging to her for dear life. They both melted into the embrace, and the princess couldn’t help but hum in contentment. Leia’s arms fell from around the taller girl’s neck and slipped around her waist, holding her firmly in place.

“You’ve made it very difficult to leave,” Amilyn whispered, but somehow Leia managed to hear her perfectly amongst the clamour of the hangar.  

“Will you settle for something to come back to?” Leia spoke in their usual teasing tone, but there was a very real, very scary question hidden in her flippancy.

Amilyn flashed her that loopy smile of hers, voice low and promising, “Oh, most definitely.”

\--

“That wasn’t the deal!”

The tall imposing man shoved her aside, “I haven’t got time for this, get back to your cruiser and tell Raddus to prepare for engagement.”

She scowled as she crossed her arms, huffing away a wayward curl that had fallen across her face. What had started as quite possibly the best day of her life was quickly going downhill. It was hard to imagine that just hours before she had been kissing Leia, finally getting what she had wanted for years now. Now, here she was, trying to talk Saw Gerrera out of getting the whole fleet blown up. And he was not an easy man to talk to. Amilyn glared at the back of the retreating extremist who had sent her away and followed him to the main command bridge.

“It’s a suicide mission. We’ve got almost a quarter of the entire fleet here, and you’re going to get us all killed!”

“Listen, girl.” Saw grumbled, and Amilyn’s frown set at being demeaned in such a way “We’ve come all the way here. I’ve re-evaluated the situation and the orders have changed. Might as well not waste a perfectly good opportunity.”

“Don’t give me that, I’m not an idiot. I know that’s a lie. I just knew it was fishy you wanted this much firepower for a simple raid. You knew you’d never get approval from the council for a Blatant attack on a military base.” It was rare Amilyn raised her voice, but she couldn’t stand by and watch as this man condemned her comrades and friends. That, and she was furious the alliance had been lied to by a member of its own council. “STOP! We are out armed, outmanned. It’s madness, we will all be blown out the sky before you realize how bad a plan this is!”

Saw scoffed at her, then turned his back and proceeded to pay the young captain no attention. Amilyn sighed and forced her way through the group of partisans crowded around the holo-display on Gerrera’s cruiser.

“Hi, yeah, me again!” She said, her upbeat but relaxed voice laced with annoyance at being ignored. “Just wondering, do you or do you not see the amorality of wasting lives on a mission we _cannot_ win?”

Gerrera let out an eerie chuckle, “It’s not about winning. It’s been too long since we’ve mounted a large scale attack. This is about reminding them we’re a threat, making enough of a scene the Empire takes us seriously.”

“What? By getting ourselves killed?” She questioned in a cool stern voice, “Okay, well I don’t know about all of you, but when I signed up for this, I didn’t agree to die for, what was it, ‘making a scene.’ Are you out of your mind?!”

The Tognath, Bonthic, who everyone knew was Saw’s right-hand man, sneered aggressively at her blatant insubordination, but she could see quite a few of Gurrera’s followers’ faces begin to cloud with doubt.

“Alright kid, I’ve had enough. Get rid of her.”

Bonthic and another Tognath attempted to grab her arms and hold her back, but she easily dodged and bent out of their flimsy grasp. Realizing that tensions were mounting, and she wasn’t accomplishing anything, she stepped back in defeat.

 

“If you’re going to throw away lives like that, we might as well just label you a traitor from now on.”

 “It’s not me who is a traitor, I’m willing to fight and die for the cause. So is everyone here. We’re just responding to their violence in the only way they seem to understand.”

“When tempted to fight fire with fire, it does well to remember that water is usually more effective.” She replied sarcastically, astounded she’d managed to remain so composed when she all she really wanted was to unhook her blaster and stun the partisan leader. “And when I die for the cause, it will be to actually achieve something for the rebellion, _not_ feeding your pointless warmongering.” And with her head held high, she turned and marched out of the command bridge. A few of Saw’s partisans seemed to hesitate, then about a third stood and followed Amilyn from the bridge.

By the time she had gotten to her X-Wing and was preparing to warn the other rebel cruiser, she had amassed a large following of defected partisans.

Amilyn returned to the second main cruiser, ploughing into the command bridge, followed by the fifty or so now ex-partisans that had followed her from Saw’s group.

“What did you find out Captain,” Raddus asked from his Admiral’s seat.

“He’s going through with it. And he’s cut us off from the alliance base, we have no communication.” She said, sweeping effortlessly through the crowd of confused officers.

“They’ve cut us off?” One of the other captains said in alarm.

“He must have expected resistance to his plan.” Amilyn reasoned.

“And he’s gonna get it!” Someone shouted from the crowd. A good number of pilots and crew had joined the command teams on the bridge, trying to catch a scrap of information that might shed some light on the situation. “We can’t let him go through with it! It could be detrimental to the rebellion.”

“Are you insane?” A squad leader from Gold Squadron interjected, “We’re having enough trouble fighting the empire we can’t fight within ourselves.”

One of the newer recruits pointed at the group of Partisans that had left with Amilyn, “Did you know this was happening? Why are you here? Why didn’t you warn us?!”

The room started to dissolve into accusations and panic, and Amilyn sighed in annoyance.

“Alright, that’s enough!” Commander Antilles said over the discord. “This is simply dealt with. If any of the partisans want to denounce their loyalty to Gerrera, they, of course, are welcome to return to the base with us. If Saw is truly hell-bent on getting himself and his followers killed, we won’t be able to stop him while avoiding further conflict. It’s best we just get ourselves out of here.”

“No. Hold on,” Amilyn said.

“Hold on? Look, I don’t want to be here when that blows up.” Commander Wedge Antilles responded, and many of the others nodded “As you said, it’s a suicide mission. We have to get everyone back to the base before the Imperial ships realize we’re here.”

“He’s right Captain.” Admiral Raddus said, blinking sympathetically at her with his large eyes, “The risk is too great and we haven’t got time to wait around.”

“I respect that Admiral. But they don’t know we’re here _yet_ , do they? They have no idea any attack is coming, and we can’t stop Gerrera. He’s going to go through with the assault, so why don’t we use that to our advantage.”

The Mon Calamari looked at her, they’d never really met properly, but he’d heard of the young captain from Gatalenta and how both Mon Mothma and the Organa’s held her in high regard. “I’m Listening.”

“Look, they’ve got an operational weapons factory next to the internment camp, where they make the prisoners work. Once the partisans have started their attack on the main base, I’d guess it’s pretty safe to say, the majority of their military support is going to come running. Which is good news for us! They’ll be leaving the prison vulnerable and wide open.”

“Yeah, but they won’t send everyone,” a young Lieutenant D’Arcy interjected, “There’s no way they’d be stupid enough to leave themselves completely defenceless.”

“ _Exactly_!” Amilyn said cheerily getting to the good part of her plan, but realized her excitement might be slightly alarming, “But they’re not just going to be protecting the prisoners! That weapons factory is the one Saw told me about, where they manufacture their bombs and weapons that are fitted to their destroyers. If we make them think we’re after that – “

“They won’t be paying attention to the rest of the internment camp.” Antilles finished. “Not a bad idea, actually.”

“Captain, I can’t ask people to risk their lives on a last minute mission,” the Mon Calamari said gravely, and Amilyn nodded in understanding, but the admiral's rejection of her plan was met with cries of support for the Gatalentan.

“But” he continued, glancing around the room, “if you can gather the volunteers, I will leave you to it. What do you need?”

“Two Capital ships, a handful of X wings and a small grounds division. In this case, less is more. Oh! And the main cruiser. You should be able to fit those leaving on the remaining fleet.”

“We can, but would it not make sense for us to have the cruiser if you’re operating a stealth mission?”

“I need it to pull the military from guarding the camp’s gates. If I attack them with a smaller ship I won’t be enough of a threat and their grounds cannons would take me down with no issue. With a cruiser, I can create the illusion of the threat of a whole fleet, they’ll expect swarms of X-Wings to come out of a spacecraft this size. That and the shields will be more likely to withstand whatever they throw my way”

Admiral Raddus seemed hesitant to hand over the cruiser to the young captain, especially if she intends it to be a false target for a weapons factory, but he had to respect her firm determination and the intelligence behind her plan. “Alright, we’ll be out of your hair in half an hour.”

“Fifteen minutes?”

Raddus chuckled, he liked this one. “Alright, fifteen minutes. You heard her,” he nudged Antilles into action “Get onto the capital ships and prepare for the jump to Yavin 4. Oh, and Holdo?”

Amilyn turned to look at him and he grinned at her, saying kindly “Don’t mess it up.”

She laughed, knowing that if he was joking with her, he had faith in her.

“I’ll do my best!”

Amilyn watched as the majority of the rebellion fleet flew away, leaving streaks in the sky. A handful of people remained on the bridge, there were scarcely twenty left for the extraction of five hundred.

“Captain!” D’Arcy came rushing up to Amilyn, “Gerrera’s started his attack” She pointed to the horizon of the planet where they could make out fiery orange explosions and

“Hey, Holdo, you were right. The internment camp is sending back up.” One of the ex-partisans said from their position at a monitor.

“Wonderful.” She said gleefully, turning to the small squadron she had been left with “Well, not so wonderful for Saw, but wonderful for us. Grounds crew to the capital ships, Fighters protect them if they run into trouble. This is a simple extraction mission. If we can blow the place up afterwards, great. If not, it’s more important we get us and those prisoners out of here. Now get off the cruiser, get into position and wait for my signal. And may the force be with you.”

Amilyn sat in the pilot’s seat of the cruiser, listening to the communication between the small team.

“We’re all set, Captain.” Said D’Arcy from the front fighter, a purple X-Wing that actually belonged to Amilyn.

“Thank you, D’Arcy. And Lieutenant, there better not be a scratch on my X-Wing when I see it next, I just painted it.”

“You’ve always ‘just painted it’” D’Arcy grumbled, everyone used to Amilyn decorating her ship to match whatever colour her hair was at the time.

In the empty ship, she made her way behind the muddy and squalid internment camp which was nestled in a gorge in the rocky landscape.  De-cloaking the cruiser she descended as close to the prison and factory as she could, wanting them all to know she was here, but the camp was so expansive it made her ship look relatively unthreatening.

To her triumph, she saw on the control panel she was amassing an entourage of Imperial ships, who were firing at her but having no effect on the advanced spacecraft’s shields and armour.

“Captain!” a relieved D’Arcy came in over comms, “It’s worked. You’ve drawn all their airships away.”

“Excellent. I’m a bit preoccupied at the moment,” She said, taking down a string of fighter ships, “So complete the mission when you judge it’s best.”

“Roger. Touching down now.”

Time passed slowly, the rebellion using minimal communication to not accidentally give away their presence. Amilyn easily kept the fighters at bay, not sustaining any serious damage, but she didn’t like the look of the cannons they were pulling out of the factory. She was tempted to start attacking the facility and not just its security but didn’t want to endanger anyone inside.

She felt the blast before the screens went red with warning, jolting out of her seat.

“Captain.” D’Arcy’s voice crackled through link again, sounding proud and victorious, “We’re almost through here. Full extraction of our prisoners, and some extra. No casualties.”

Stumbling to her feet, she grabbed the comms link.

“Brilliant work, Lieutenant.” Amilyn exalted, even submerged in peril she stayed unwaveringly gleeful. “Now get everyone out of here, I’ll take care of the internment camp.”

“But the cruiser’s sustained critical damage! You need to get into an evacuation pod. Now!”

“I will believe me, I have no intention of getting killed. Just let me finish up.”

Her steering controls had been rendered useless by the damage, but she still had the cruiser’s cannons, not holding back from firing on the facility. The chain reaction of explosions was more impressive that she had expected them to be. Satisfaction at the minimal effort it took to destroy the facility lasted only seconds as the reality of the situation set in. She had no control of a damaged ship that was sinking slowly into the sea of fire and smoke.

 “Now would probably be a _great_  time to get out of here, Amilyn.” She said to no one.

As the ship started to descend onto the facility, Amilyn bolted from the bridge to the hanger to where a few remaining Y-Wings stood proudly gleaming, unaware of their looming destruction. She’d barely gotten herself strapped in when the force of impact trembled through the cruiser.

 _Something to come back to._ Leia’s words echoing in her head fuelled her intent as she prepped the shipped for take-off.

Explosions rattled the Y-Wing as she lifted off the ground, red hot flames pressed in from all sides. The flight path was jittery and jerky as the small fighter was completely overwhelmed by the destruction around it.

Claustrophobia set in as billowing black smoke blinded her vision and the deafening cacophony of the blow-out roared through the air.

It was all too much, until suddenly it wasn’t. And there was nothing.

\--

 

 

 


	6. Leather and Lace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mah, I'm sorry this has taken me so long to get up. Work has been running my life (oh the joys of being freelance).
> 
> Anyways, I'm glad I finally found some time. I'm thinking about upping the rating for the next chapter. Object if you want. Still undecided.
> 
> Song for this chapter is Leather and Lace by Stevie Nicks, again, I know. They'll be a lot of her. She's my muse for everything in life.

**1BBY - Rebel Alliance Base, Yavin 4**

 

The evening was getting colder, the late winter sun having long since set behind the distant mountains, and a docile sprinkling of falling snow urging her indoors.

Leia had sat on the quite landing pad for heaven knows how long, her body and mind humming with tumultuous emotions that were a result of the past few hours. Her heart hadn’t stopped hammering since the kiss, her nerves melting away when Amilyn had happily returned the gesture, leaving pure excitement. Desperately wishing she hadn’t been so terrified, she slightly regretted how brief their conversation was now fixated on how Amilyn felt about the definite change in their relationship.

Lost in thought, she made her way to the atrium where the strategic minds of the rebellion would be sat behind a maze of display screens, following every move of the Alliance fleet. She needed some sort of reassurance; an overstaffed and simple mission seemed like a logical place to seek that out.

Silence and stillness weren’t what she had expected as she made her way through the rows of desks and displays. When any rebellion mission was happening, this room was usually a cacophony of organized chaos. Officers and trainees sat rigid and quiet in their seats as if posing for a painting, and Leia found the scene incredibly unsettling.

_Something’s not right._

Trying to make sense of the lack of action, Leia was distracted by a crash and the echo raised voices from the command hall. Leaving the eerily muted atrium behind, she observed the scene unfolding at the holo-display in the centre of the command room.

“I knew we shouldn’t have kriffing trusted him!” the combative voice of General Dodonna was more aggressive than usual.

“Jan, calm down,” Mon Mothma replied, as calm and collected as she always was, “We don’t even know if anything is wrong.”

Leia saw her father come into view, righting a chair that had been knocked over in Dodonna’s outburst, concern and doubt coming through his strong stoic expression.

“We all know to be wary of Saw, but, until he proves otherwise, we must extend a certain amount of trust. Now that being said, we cannot ignore the dubiousness of the situation.”

Although she didn’t look convinced, Mon nodded her support of the Viceroy of Alderaan. “It could be a simple malfunction.”

“But what if it’s not? We have people on that mission! We should send backup, or scouts at the very least.” Dodonna insisted.

“Send backup why?” Leia couldn’t remain a quite observer any longer, “Has something happened?”

“Leia!” Her father came over to her an enveloped her in a tight hug, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere. I was half worried you might have gone with the fleet.” He spoke in a low voice so just the two of them could hear, some of the worry leaving the viceroy’s face.

“I’m sorry, I just needed some space.” She whispered, knowing it would have been totally in character for her to sneak on board a rebel ship headed for battle. “What’s going on?”

Bail rose from his crouched position but kept a supportive hand on his daughter’s shoulders. The action was enough to awaken an intense foreboding filling her chest. She knew the expression on her father’s face could only mean bad news. He took a deep breath before speaking, whether it was to ease Leia’s tensions or his own, she didn’t know.

“I’m afraid we’ve had no contact with Saw and the rebel fleet we sent with him. We haven’t heard anything, our communications aren’t being received, and the data we automatically get from every rebel ship isn’t being transmitted.”

“That’s not all of it, I’m afraid.” Mon said, leaning forward with fingers splayed on the rim of the holo-display table, “A large amount of artillery has been removed from the Alliance’s stock, all signed out by known partisans.”

“It’s obvious we’ve been deceived.” Donna spat with conviction, “They’re not getting in touch because they’re not where they’re meant to be, I’m sure of it.”

“There are people on that mission that are loyal to the alliance.” Leia defended, “If that were the case, we would have heard from someone.”

“Not if they can’t contact us in the first place. Or we could have had no contact because they’ve already been defeated,” Vice-Admiral Ackbar said calmly from his seat, “We won’t send anyone else until we know for sure.”

The command room was silent for what felt like years, everyone sat around the table felt powerless and no one knew what to expect. That was until an alert cropped up on the holo-display of an approaching alliance fleet of around 20 transport ships, but no cruiser.

“Admiral, Commander. What happened?”

“It was a trap, General,” Raddus said, waddling behind Antilles towards where Leia, Dodonna, Bail and Mon Mothma stood. “Gerrera didn’t want to free the prisoners, he wanted our help to attack an Imperial Base.”

“You must tell us everything,” Mothma demanded.

“There’s not much to tell, we didn’t see any action.” Commander Antilles spoke up, “We arrived and our communication had been cut off, which I assume you had all figured out. Although Saw had accidentally cut off communication between the two cruisers as well, meaning we sent the Gatalentan who’s squad was split between the partisans and the rest of the rebels.”

Leia’s ears pricked with the offhand mention of Amilyn. While she was clinging to every piece of news she could get her eyes were fruitlessly scanning the crowds, hoping to spot violet hair.

Raddus picked up from Antilles, “Gerrera was planning a large scale attack, which we weren’t even remotely prepared for. We managed to get a few partisans to abandon the plan, and came back to base almost at once.”

“What happened to the main cruiser?” Dodonna asked, examining the fleet behind them.

“A few stayed behind to run a small scale version of the original plan. Obviously, we couldn’t get clearance from the council, so it’s all below board. But I did give her approval to take the cruiser and - ”

“Who?” Leia interrupted, the anxiousness current surging in her stomach in the same way it had earlier, her second sense telling her something was wrong. She flushed at her outburst, all eyes turning to her. But she’d asked the question now, and might as well follow through, regaining her poise.

“I beg your pardon, Princess?”

“Who did you give the cruiser to?” She knew the answer to her question before she’d finished asking it, but hoping against hope she was wrong.

“Well it was Captain Holdo’s idea, so obviously she stayed. She kept – “ Antilles went on to explain what little of Amilyn’s plans they knew, but Leia had stopped listening. It was taking all her strength to keep her composure in the professional situation, but her mind was running rampant. At the base of all her worry, surprisingly, was the memory of Keir laying lifeless in her arms. The agony of losing him had been life-changing, and she knew what she felt for Amilyn surpassed her feelings for Keir.

“I wouldn’t worry, your highness,” Raddus croaked, Leia, realizing her face must be giving her away. “She seemed to have everything under control.”

She felt silly for being so obviously fragile with worry. It was so contradictory to her usual character of strength. And to make matters worse, this lapse was in front of the alliance leadership. But she couldn’t help anguishing over Amilyn being in danger when she had felt nothing but friendship for her, and their recent developments made it so much harder to wait for her to return.

Sensing his daughter needed the comfort, Bali placed an encouraging hand on her upper back and subtlety brought the princess away from the conversation.

“Leia, you look nauseous. Do you need to sit down?”

Leia shook her head, feeling like a child, wishing she could bury herself in the comfort of her father’s embrace. Her brave face cracking slightly, she said, “I’ll be fine. I’m just worried, that’s all. I know it must seem ridiculous and weak”

The Viceroy smiled reassuringly at his daughter, “It’s not ridiculous, and it most certainly is not weak. Sometimes it cannot be helped. No one is going to think less of you for caring deeply for your friend.”

Leia forced a small smile through her pursed lips. _Friend? This would be easier if she was just my friend. Why did this have to happen now? When she had just come to terms with how much she cared for Amilyn?_

Realizing his words may be soothing some of Leia’s dread, he continued, “When your mother and I had just gotten married, she was called away to a planet that was attacked when she was there. I thought the worry was going to kill me, I didn’t hear from her for days. When she got back, I berated myself for how weak I had been, how useless. That was unfair of me, and I later realized no one held me in contempt for worrying about someone I cared for. I know if it was to happen again, or if it were to happen to you, I would react the same way.”

“Amilyn has a knack for getting herself out of trouble, but she’s very good at getting into it as well. I just hope she’s being careful, especially after – “ Leia broke off, not quite ready to tell her parents about her feelings for Amilyn.

Bail raised an eyebrow, but when Leia shook her head in refusal to divulge he respected her privacy and didn’t push the question. “I have faith that it will all be fine. Now, those who have just arrived could use a bit of your leadership. Helping out might bring you some peace of mind.”

Leia took a steadying breath and nodded, easily slipping back into her commanding presence.

“That’s my girl,” Bail said, giving her an encouraging hug.

Busying herself with aiding in the preparations for receiving the prisoners, she almost missed the harsh beeping that signalled the arrival of the small taskforce. Leia spotted Amilyn’s X-Wing easily, its shades of purple sticking out amongst the white and grey, leading the way for the handful of ships coming to land. Relief flooded her, and she watched with unbreakable attention as the ship touched down on the landing pad.

However, once the cockpit was pushed up, the relief left as quickly as it came and Leia’s stomach sank through the floor. This was unmistakably Amilyn’s ship, but instead of bouncing purple waves and blue eyes, she was met by a short figure with a mane of tight blonde ringlets. The small figure clambering out of the cockpit of the ship was not its tall, elegant owner.

The pilot, whom Leia had seen once or twice in passing, but couldn’t recall her name seemed to take charge of the small remaining fleet.

“Lieutenant!” Mon Mothma called out the shorter woman, gesturing her over.

“We got them all out!” The young officer D’Arcy couldn’t hide her pride in the victory, her lilted accent coming through stronger than usual. “All out and then some!” She pointed to the two large carrier ships, and the hundreds of people swarming off them.

“Where’s the cruiser?”

“It was shot down, they were hiding enormous ion cannons in the weapons factory. It completely disabled the ship's controls, so Holdo blew up their factory then dropped her ship on the internment camp.”

Leia was infinitely grateful for her father, as she was still paralyzed and, try as she might, forming words seemed beyond her capabilities.

“And Captain Holdo?” The viceroy asked in his daughter's place.

“Oh, she’s alive but unconscious. We’re just waiting for the medical droids. We took no losses, only a handful of injuries. It was amazing!” D’Arcy said emphatically, blond curls bouncing in her eagerness, “Well besides Gererra’s lot, we don’t know what happened to them.”

“Councillors,” Tynnra Palmo, holding her golden skirt in her hands,  ran up to Mon and the Organas, “Cassian Andor is back. He was among the prisoners in the internment camp. He says he has some important information for you. About the project. Apparently, it can’t wait.”

Leia moved to follow her father and the Chandrillan, but as they moved away, three cots were wheeled off one of the transport ships. They stood out bright, white and clean in the dust and grime, and she could see a team of medical droids descend upon them. Deciding that if the information the man named Cassian was important she’d find out eventually, Leia broke away and rushed over to the bed where she could see a familiar wisp of purple poking out above a pillow.

She all but pushed a medical droid out the way to take a place at her bedside. Taking in the hasty bandaged figure, Leia tried to take stock of Amilyn’s injuries, ignoring the pang of heartache she felt at seeing the Gatalentan so fragile and motionless. There was a silver-skinned humanoid with colourful dread-locks dressed in a disintegrating prisoner’s uniform that was treating a large burn that ran up one of her arms.

For what felt like the millionth time that day, Leia’s throat clamped with emotion and she couldn’t speak. But the pleading look in her eyes was enough for the man, who looked up from his delicate work and gave an encouraging smile.

“Princess Leia?” He questioned, not seeming sure. She nodded, thankful she could continue to avoid talking.

“No need to worry, Captain Holdo will be just fine.” His low, peaceful voice was steady and sure, and Leia found it easy to believe him. “It’s a minor miracle she’s come away from a crash like that in as good condition as she has. I’ve been looking after her since we left the Jedha System, and she’s been in and out of awareness. I can’t find any lasting injuries, I’m sure she will completely recover. I’m administering a sedative now that will keep her under when she heals.”

“Thank you,” She responded, finding her voice, although it was not much more than a whisper. Although Amilyn was unconscious, Leia didn’t like the way her forehead was pinched in pain and her expression was strained. The scene was incredibly disturbing on someone who was always so relaxed and serene. Leia reached out to brush a burned curl into place, not knowing where to touch her as much of Amilyn’s skin was angry red and scalded. Her hands shook as they hovered over the Gatalentans face, needing to feel her solid and real beneath her palms but not wanting to aggravate the heated burns.

“It’s nothing a little bacta-fluid won’t fix.” The ex-prisoner said in consolation, “But she’ll need to be admitted to the medical ward. I imagine she’ll be in considerable more pain when she regains consciousness.”

“I’m glad she had you looking after her. Thank you…” Leia trailed off, not knowing the man’s name.

“Tinul, ground unit. Not that I’ve been seeing much action in the past few months.” He said gesturing to his tattered uniform. “I trained as a doctor for the Empire before defecting, and her small team didn’t have anyone who was capable. The silly thing didn’t even have a medical droid on board.” He said shaking his head, “But she did get us all out of that hell hole, we were losing hope anyone would come. I was glad to help her in return.”

Leia watched as he hooked up an IV. Amilyn squirmed and scrunched at the touch, but relaxed once the sedative started to take effect. Leia almost cried as the wrinkles of anguish melted from her friends face, and Amilyn visibly unwound so she looked as if she was merely sleeping. Tinul checked her pulse, and when he seemed satisfied handed the cot over to a couple of medical droids.

“Well thank you, Tinul, truly, for all your help. I am indebted.” Her voice had returned to its calculated diplomatic tone, but her eyes were overflowing with gratefulness. “And welcome back.”

“Thank you, Princess.” He said with a smile and disappeared into the throng of pilots and prisoners settling back into the base. Leia made a mental note to see if she could get him a position in the medical ward if he wanted one.

The Medical droids started to push the cot out of the hangar, and Leia took one last look at all the prisoners that had returned. She was so proud of Amilyn, knowing she had risked her life for all the people who were so thankful to be out of the internment camp. The Gatalentan’s selflessness and dedication made the princess fall a little more in love with her, and she followed Amilyn’s resting form to the medical wing.

 

\--

 

She had been swimming in and out of consciousness and the passage of time was completely lost on her. Every time she breeched the surface of awareness, her body and senses screamed forcing her unwillingly back under. Fragmented memories seemed to skip and jump from one to another.

_Choking on the impenetrable cloud of smoke she heard a familiar voice, “Over here, she’s alive. Come on, quick we need to pry her out!”_

_The vibration of revving engines thrummed her into awareness, cool light and the blue trails of hyperspace were too much and overwhelmed, darkness returned._

_Familiar crisp air and flurried movements, relaxing into a soft surface. She could make out voices on the periphery, one she didn’t recognize. But one was so well-known and comforting, she pushed and strained at the barrier of conciseness, trying to get closer to the soothing voice. The more she tried to reach out to who she knew must be close by, the more she had to endure throbbing pain until exhaustion crashed over her. Suddenly, she had no drive and slipped under into a deeper, artificial and dreamless state._

Teetering on the brink of consciousness, the first sense that came back was smell. The sterile sting of bacta fluid swirled with the smoky scent of burnt flesh that still clung to her hair and skin woke her up, heaving and retching up what little remained in her stomach.

A pair of steady small hands braced her shoulders helping her lean back into the pillow. “Hey, hey, you’re okay. It’s me.” A familiar voice soothed away the sting of bile and the agony the movement caused.

Her senses were returning slowly and painfully. Opening her eyes took more effort than it ever had, they felt as if they’d been glued together, and they shied away from the harsh white light. In her bright bleached vision, a familiar figure swam into focus.

Her mouth felt dry, but she managed a small smile and croaked out a “Hey.”

“Hey?” Leia responded in disbelief, “You nearly get yourself blown up and all you have to say is Hey?!”

Amilyn smiled sheepishly, Leia’s harsh tone didn’t match the gentle caresses on the non-burned areas of her face and hair, nor the firm way she was grasping her hand. She knew she wasn’t in any trouble.

After getting a medical droid to bring her some water, Leia helped her rinse her mouth and get the Gatalentan as comfortable as possible.

“How are you feeling?” the princess asked, concern woven deeply in her voice.

Amilyn did her best to smile, but healing burns on her face pulled painfully, “Fabulous. Like I’ve just crashed a ship into a weapons factory.”

“Hmm,” Leia pursed her lips, “Yes, I’m not thrilled about that.”

The Gatalentan let out what was meant to be a laugh, but it deteriorated into a racking cough, resulting in her hacking up a black and bloodied phlegm. She scrunched her face in disgust and pain, cheeks warming in embarrassment at Leia seeing her like this.

When she looked sheepishly at the princess, she wasn’t met with pity, just concern and care as she offered the remains of the water. After trying to sit up further, and failing miserably, Amilyn admitted defeat and settled into her reclined position with a frown.

“What’s the damage, then?” She said, begrudgingly accepting that she would have to drink through the tiny straw.

“Nothing permanent, but a few broken ribs and some pretty serious burns. Seriously Amilyn, I’ve been so worried, you were beaten up pretty bad. You were lucky to walk away from that.”

Amilyn nodded gravely, realizing full well that the damage could have been much worse.

“So are you comfortable enough with the ‘nearness and inevitability of death’ now? Have you gotten it all out your system?”

“Maybe,” Amilyn teased back, “We’ll just have to wait and find out. The urge to find out might strike me again.”

“You _are_ impossible,” Leia rolled her eyes affectionately.

“You love it,” Amilyn said in jest, but the comment made them both go quiet, the atmosphere drastically shifting.

Leia finally spoke in a soft voice, “I do, actually.”

Amilyn’s heart fluttered with hope. Hope that she hadn’t dared indulge in since she’d come to terms with her feelings for Leia. Out of habit, her insecurities tried to stomp it down and her words got stuck in her throat, so all she managed was a meek, “Oh?”

Leia chuckled, not hiding her nervousness very well. “You know, people always say I’m a closed book, but you’ve never had any trouble seeing past that. Sometimes I feel as if you can read my mind. But you, you always seem to wear your heart on your sleeve. You’re open and emotional, and everything I try not to be. But in reality, it’s quite deceptive and you’re actually very difficult to read. Especially when it comes to anything personal.”

Amilyn looked down, fiddling with a loose thread, “So much for emotional honesty, huh?”

“Well, so much for only humanoid males.”

She couldn’t help but smile at that, although she still wouldn’t meet Leia’s eyes. After years of yearning for this moment, she was completely at a loss for words. She heard Leia sigh and could see her run a hand over her hair out of the corner of her eye.

“What are you saying? Do you mean-“ Amilyn broke off, nervous of the answer and not wanting to be overly hopeful

“Oh, Ami. If you haven’t gotten it by now – I really like you. And lately, I’ve been feeling more than just friendship for you. And after I knew you were going to be okay, all I could think about was how wonderful you are and how much I admire you. When you kissed me back before you left, I was so relieved. You’re beautiful and generous and I want something more between us. Do – uh – Do you?”

Amilyn was speechless, shocked at what she was hearing.

“Amilyn, look at me. Do you?”

As soon as Amilyn’s gaze met the inviting swirls of copper and chocolate, she knew. Knew that after all the hiding her feelings, all the boundaries, all the lying to herself had fallen away and love was pouring out. She’d always agreed with the saying that eyes are the window to the soul, and her’s were thrown wide open.

She watched as the ends of Leia’s lips twitched upwards into a smile, and she reached out a hand to brush over Amilyn’s cheek. “So that’s a yes, then?”

Shaking off her utter disbelief, Amilyn smiled and nodded, “I – I can’t believe it. Yes. Yes, of course, yes.” She stuttered, overwhelmed with joy.

“Good,” Leia smiled, leaning in to press a chaste kiss on Amilyn’s dry lips. When she pulled away, she saw that tears brimming in Amilyn’s eyes, threatening to spill.

“Oh my god, what’s wrong?”

“Absolutely nothing. It’s just I’ve wanted this for so long, and I’m so happy.”

“How long?”

Amilyn blushed fiercely, “A while…”

Leia looked taken aback at her unwillingness to tell her, “Ami…How long is a while?”

“Just like three years, maybe four.” She mumbled shyly, trying to brush it off.

“What?! And you didn’t tell me? I had no idea.”

“I didn’t want you to know,” Amilyn said honestly, “What if it got in the way of our friendship? I couldn’t risk that.”

Leia nodded her understanding, obviously shocked that her closest friend had harboured feeling for her for so long. Amilyn got out of having to come up with an explanation as a young Felucian officer approached them.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but Princess, the council are about to convene and your father is looking for you.”

Leia huffed in frustration, but her expression softened when she met Amilyn’s eyes. She reached out and stroked Amilyn’s hair.

“I guess that’s my cue. Apparently, we’ve just got some pretty important intel from one of the prisoners.”

Amilyn nuzzled into the affection, seeing that Leia didn’t want to leave.

“Well, I’m not going anywhere fast.” She said, gesturing to her cot with her unbandaged arm. “I’ll be here when you’re finished.”

“I’m sorry to leave. But it sounded quite important earlier, and you know how much I like to be in the know.”

Amilyn let out a mock gasp, “You? Well that's completely new information!” She said with bright sarcasm, and Leia felt deep relief at Amilyn acting like herself. She narrowed her eyes, playfully.

“Listen, if you’re feeling well enough to be making jokes, I’m going to assume you’re all better and get someone to discharge you.”

“Please do, I can only imagine how dull it’s going to be here.”

“Nice try, Stargirl,” Leia said fondly, placing a light kiss on her hairline before pulling back.

Amilyn watched Leia’s retreating form, wanting to say _I love you_. But the princess hadn’t said anything about love, and Amilyn didn’t want to push it too far. She was consumed with joy anyway, so settled for the largest smile she could manager and a small wave.

The next time Leia visited she was carrying a small box and a frown that she was poorly trying to hide. Amilyn had managed to prop herself up into a seated position and was already fighting off boredom.

“You’ve been promoted,” Leia said, after giving Amilyn a quick kiss.

“Hmm?” Amilyn said, smiling dazedly and wondering if she would ever get used to receiving Leia’s affection.

“I said you’ve been promoted. Congratulations, Commander.” Leia handed over the box which Amilyn opened to reveal a new set of badges for her uniform.

Amilyn pursed her lips examining the chips of metal, running her fingers over the three elevated dots. She turned to Leia and raised an inquisitive eyebrow, “If this is good news, how come you look so miserable?”

Leia sighed and flopped haphazardly to sit next to Amilyn on the small cot, Amilyn adjusting easily to fit her into her space.

“I’m going back to Coruscant. I have to.”

“I assumed you would have to.”

“What?”

“Well, there’s a massive attack on an Imperial planet. And after that conversation we had with Tarkin, we know there’s a good chance he already knows you weren’t where you were supposed to be when it happened.”

Leia nodded, “That’s what Dad said. We left the _Tantive IV_ on Coruscant, so I have to get back before anyone knows I was gone.” Amilyn felt Leia’s hand graze over the bandages on her wrist before interlacing their fingers. “I’m coming back as soon as I can though.”

“I’ll miss you. More than I usually do.”

“Commander, huh?” Amilyn said, still fiddling with the

“And here you were thinking you weren’t suited for leadership.”

“I never said that. I just said you were _more_ suited.” Amilyn said dropping an affectionate kiss on Leia’s hairline. “This wasn’t your doing, was it?”

“No, actually, well not entirely. The council was completely unanimous in its decision.” Leia smirked, starting to laugh lightly, “One of the Partisans told Dodonna how you backtalked Saw Gerrera and called him a traitor then walked away without a scratch. And a lot of the councillors are bad at hiding how shit scared they are of him. That earned you some serious points.”

“And does it earn me points with you?” Amilyn asked flirtatiously.

“If you’re going to count pre-mature grey hairs as points, then yeah, you get loads!”

“Leia…”

“No, I know, I know. We can’t be worrying about each other constantly or focusing on all the time we’re apart. We’re just going to have to trust we’re going to make it through to make this work.”

“I want this to work. Whatever this is.”

“Me too. Can we take some time to figure that out?” Amilyn was suddenly very grateful she hadn’t let on earlier just how much she cared for Leia.

Amilyn nodded and Leia rested her forehead on Amilyn’s, breathing deeply eyes fluttering closed. Amilyn nudged her nose playfully against Leia’s before capturing her lips in a searing kiss.

When they reluctantly pulled away, Amilyn held her head in place, whispering so that with every syllable their lips grazed in the faintest tickle.

“When will I see you again?”

Leia pecked lightly at Amilyn’s lips again before answering. “Not long, a couple of days?”  

They days passed in boredom. The newly appointed Commander tried to break out of the medical wing once, to dye over the singes in her hair, opting to layer in shimmering indigo to compliment the violet. At least she’d managed to get the dye in before a medical droid barged into her quarters and all but dragged her back to bed rest.

Restless didn’t even begin to cover how she was feeling. She was positively alive with elation and euphoria at how things had developed with Leia. She would have said it felt like she was walking on clouds if she could walk properly without a limp. Unfortunately, this feeling didn’t align with her inability to move or be up and about. It was going to be a long couple of days.

 

\--

 

“You know,” Leia said, paying close attention to filling in one of the side strips with blue paint, “I’ve never actually been in one of these.”

Amilyn’s eyes glinted mischievously, poking her head out from under the belly of the X-Wing, paint drips smeared on her cheeks “Do you want to?”

After arriving back on Yavin 4, Leia had gone straight to the medical wing in search of Amilyn, hoping to pick up where they had left off, only to find she had been discharged earlier that morning.

_“Whether or not she’s actually in good enough health, I don’t know.” The matron had exclaimed with dramatic gesticulation,  “But I do know she was intent on annoying all the staff until someone signed her out. Either that, or she ran away again, and one of the nursing droids got fed up with trying to find her and let her go.”_

Leia had spent the better part of an hour searching for her, until she saw Amilyn, lying flat-backed on a small scooter, adding indigo trim to her purple X-Wing. Smiling sadly at the strategic covering of the damage done to her hair, the princess offered to help.

“Right now? I don’t think so, Stargirl. Don’t think I didn’t check in with the medical ward, you’re not meant to be flying this thing until you’re fully healed.”

“I believe you’ll find they said I can’t fly into _battle_. They said nothing about a joy ride.”

Leia crossed her arms and raised her brow, “That’s probably because they didn’t feel the need to clarify.”

“Then they should learn to cover all their bases. C’mon, I promise I’ll be careful. We’ll stay on the planet. Please, I’ve been so bored. It’ll be fun!”

Amilyn knew it was underhanded, but she widened her eyes and pouted shamelessly and Leia let out a bark of laughter at Amilyn’s expression.

Shaking her head but smiling widely, she responded, “Alright, but I swear if you get more injured, I will personally see to it you’re demoted back to Captain.”

“Fine by me,” Amilyn said, struggling slightly but pulling herself up from where she was laying on the floor, “I’ve never held much stock in structured hierarchies.”

“Of course you haven’t,” Leia mumbled.

Leia watched adoringly as Amilyn, who was still limping slightly but had more spring in her step than she’d had since the crash. Again, she found herself worrying about whether or not it was a good idea for Amilyn to be flying, but when she was face to face with her loopy smile eyes sparkling with excitement, she knew she couldn’t refuse her anything.

It took a lot of manipulating and no small exercise of flexibility, even for Amilyn, to get both of them crammed into the tiny cockpit, but once Leia was nestled firmly between Amilyn’s legs she thought she’d never been more comfortable.

The moon was full and close, its brightness reflecting off the snow-covered hills meaning they could see clearly the outline of every tree in the night’s darkness. The evening air was still and even the sound of wind rushing around the X-Wing seemed hushed like a resonant whisper. They sat in silence, taking in the beauty flying past them, basking in their newfound closeness which was both so familiar and excitingly new.

Leia was fascinated with Amilyn’s steady hands on the steering console, her long and elegant fingers graciously piloting the ship in a way that made it look like a choreographed dance. Relishing in the solid heat of Amilyn’s front pressed against her back, Leia tried to burrow impossibly closer and the Gatalentan’s long legs tightened their hold in response.

When she broke the silence, Amilyn’s voice was deep and sultry, not much more than a whisper on the back of Leia’s neck, “I love the mountains when they’re like this. Luminous in lunar light.”

Shivering, Leia hummed, whether in agreement or contentment or both, “It's beautiful.”

“I used to come out here on a full moon like this. The mountains remind me of you, strong and striking.”

Leia blushed and gazed up over her shoulder and her breath caught in her throat. From her low angle in the celeste grey light, Amilyn’s pointed features were exaggerated with shadow. She looked like she’d been carved from silver stone, the moon reflecting in her eyes.

How had it taken so long for her to realize how beautiful she was?

Absentmindedly, she ran her hands in disordered patterns over Amilyn’s thighs, the only piece of her she could reach from her half-seated position. She tilted her head back further, burying her cold nose into the warmth of her neckline, breathing deeply in her scent. Amilyn subtly lengthened her neck to give the princess better access, and Leia took advantage by placing a series of light kisses on any skin she could reach.

Amilyn sighed, forcing her eyes to stay open and her breathing to stay even, “Leia…I think this count’s as distracted driving.”

“Mmm...Pull off then,” Leia said, peppering more kisses on Amilyn’s sternum and base of her neck.

Once she heard the crunch of snow underneath the X-Wing, the engines buzzing into silence, Leia spun in her seat, pulling herself up to brace her hands on either side of Amilyn’s chair. She gazed lovingly down into Amilyn’s star-studded eyes. “My Stargirl, you’re gorgeous.”

The smile she got in return was bright and striking, and Leia pressed their lips together with more fever than the other kissed they’d shared.

Crisp, cold of the evening seeped into the cockpit, but Leia skin was burning with heat. She was growing increasingly frustrated with their confined space and the layers of Amilyn’s paint-splattered flight suit. She’d managed to peel enough of it back to tickle her fingers over the distinct dip of her collar bone, but it wasn’t enough and the need to touch her was becoming tortuous. The princess settled for pressing her body firmly against Amilyn’s from between her legs, and she could feel the taller girl tug at her hips.

Amilyn was moaning, craning her long neck and back arching deliciously. Leia nibbled sucked on Amilyn’s lips until she was putty beneath her.

“Take us back to the base.” Leia panted, promise in her husky voice, kissing her way up Amilyn’s sharp jaw until she was gasping her agreement in her ear.

Managing to pull away long enough so Amilyn could get to the controls, she curled herself around the taller girl. The journey back seemed elongated and when they finally arrived back, the princess pulled the Gatalentan through the base until they arrived back at Amilyn’s quarters.


	7. Say You Love Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry, it has been SO long, I've been travelling and switching projects at work, my life has been a whole mess of crap.  
> So I've upped the rating to E. If sex scenes aren't your scene, just skip the bit between the asterisks. 
> 
> Song for this chapter is 'Say You Love Me,' by, you guessed it, Fleetwood Mac.
> 
> Enjoy! I promise I'll, be more on it now I'm not running around the world.

She was on cloud nine. It was all so unimaginable that she should be here, kissing Leia up against her wall. The past few days had passed in a dream, caught between the lethargic haze of bacta treatments and awe of Leia’s confession. Even this evening had felt unreal, snow reflecting in the moonlight and the object of her heart’s desire so real and close.

But it was all coming to her now in a rush of arousal, forcing her to be grounded in the moment, so as not to miss it. The shorter woman had her pressed against the cool steel wall of her chambers, mouth fiercely moving over hers.

Leia’s hands had found the hem where her flight jacket met the top of her clinging cargo pants and had slipped between them, caressing below her navel and making her stomach twitch. The princess tugged at the bottom of her jacket and arched an eyebrow.

“Does this come off?”

Amilyn breathed a shaky smile, “It can. Is that what you want?”

The princess bit her bottom lip, looked up with wide dark eyes and nodded. Amilyn could swear she felt her heart melt in her chest. She couldn’t tear her gaze away from the bottomless chocolate pools as the princess’s petite hands grazed their way upwards from her hips to undo the buckle at her neck before unzipping the front of her jacket. Amilyn shuddered as the steady hands slipped under the layer of leather and hard-wearing canvas to the soft, sleeveless undershirt.

Leia busied herself with tracing the angular dip above Amilyn’s hipbones the plane of her stomach that was revealed when Amilyn shrugged off her jacket and the undershirt rode up at the movement. The touch made the taller girl shudder and the muscles in her stomach shake. Amilyn bent down for another kiss and could feel Leia’s hands exploring her midriff and lower back.

Somewhere in the back of her mind was still that ingrained restraint she’d enforced on herself when it came to Leia, so Amilyn’s hands were shaky and far less adventurous than her partner’s.

Amilyn proceeded with more caution, fingers ghosting over the soft white fabric covering Leia’s arms and shoulders, still feeling like she needed explicit permission to touch her. Leia, obviously, felt no such restraints, boldly slipping her hands further under Amilyn’s shirt.

Amilyn couldn’t hold down the moan that slipped out, her neck naturally tilting back to look out the skylight that was casting a lunar glow over the room. She took a moment to be silently grateful for the small windows on the ceiling, the only source of natural light in the Captain's quarters. She always thought Leia looked the most stunning in celestial light.

Her hands shot to tangle themselves in Leia’s hair, but her finger’s got caught in the tightly wound buns and braids. She groaned in frustration and Leia let out a husky chuckle against her lips at Amilyn’s annoyance. She raised her hands to undo her hair when Amilyn stopped her.

“Let me. Please?”

Leia averted her eyes with a blush and nodded.

At an almost painfully slow pace, Amilyn carefully removed each pin and clip from the intricate styling. She unraveled every twist with a languish delicacy, not only savoring the moment but clinging to the safety of such a simple gesture. She had played with Leia’s hair before and this was a comfortable territory.

Amilyn knew she was completely in love with Leia, but she had also learned to live with it. If they crossed the line they were fast approaching, would she ever recover? If Leia decided she didn’t want to be with her anymore, could she possibly move on with nothing having had everything?

Doubt still lingered when all of the princesses hair lay in a thick curtain of loose waves.

“You’re giving me that look again. You always look at me like that, then pull away.” Leia said, inches from Amilyn’s face, breath ghosting over her cheek, “Tell me what your thinking.”

_I love you._ She could feel the words hovering in the space between her tongue and teeth. But something stopped her. As if by premonition, she knew this wasn’t the time to let that secret go. Something in her gut telling her that it would cause more harm than good in the future.

“Sometimes, I am so amazed by how divine you are, it just takes me a few seconds to catch up.”

The smile that lit up Leia’s face and the look of pure adoration she received was almost enough to cover up her inner torment.

“How is it you always know the right thing to say?”

“That’s nice to hear. People usually think what I have to say is usually strange, vague and mildly annoying.” Amilyn said, jokingly. The princess reached up to gently caress the side of her face.

 “Oh, it is.” Leia said softly, the depth of her affection form Amilyn obvious even to the Gatalentan, “But it’s always the right thing.”

*****

Amilyn smiled and nuzzled her face into her hand and pressing a peck on Leia’s palm before the princess pulled her down for another searing kiss. Her hands had slipped back under her undershirt and were boldly working their way higher.

Amilyn felt Leia speak against her lips, “No bra?”

Not being able to contain the small whimper at the sensation of Leia teasing the underside of her tits, Amilyn slurred, “Too restrictive.”

Leia chuckled and ghosted her lips over Amilyn’s, who broke the kiss to gasp harshly when she felt a hand eagerly cup her breast.

Leia grinned at the reaction, using the break away to pull the shirt over Amilyn’s head, an impressive feat considering the height difference. Always the quick learner, Leia easily figured out how to tease and twist her nipples in a way that had Amilyn gasping for more, head craning backward. Taking advantage of her exposed neck, Leia latched onto whatever skin she could reach, alternating between gentle open-mouthed kisses and harsher nibbles that would almost definitely leave a mark.

Burning shocks shot to her center, and Amilyn felt betrayed by her own body, legs weakening to the verge of collapse.

It came as no surprise that Leia seemed naturally dominant, using the Gatalentan’s sensitive state to guide her back until the back of her knees caught on the mattress. For a split second, Amilyn’s body retreated in pain. Too wrapped in pleasure, she had forgotten about the healing scars and burns

In the seconds she took to steady herself, the situation seemed to have caught up with them. Leia suddenly looked timid and unsure, gazing down at the tall woman beneath her. Seeing the slightly uneasy gaze, the worry from before swelled up in Amilyn’s stomach and her heartfelt jittery for a different reason than it had seconds before.

“We don’t have to do this you know.” Amilyn propped herself on her elbows, voice delicate and soothing “It is really fast and I know you’ve never – “

“No. No, I want this. I want this with you. It’s just I –“ Colour rose to Leia’s cheeks and she felt a little self-conscious for the first time that evening. She took a deep breath and said, “I just don’t know what I’m doing. Would you show me? Please Amilyn, I want you so much. I can’t quite believe how much I want you, but I do. Please don’t leave me hanging.”

Amilyn felt like she might just burst with affection and something in her self-discipline snapped. Never being able to deny Leia anything, she surged upwards, gripping the back of Leia’s neck and bringing her down for a searing kiss. Her mouth moved with a fever she’d withheld until now, biting and gnawing at her partner’s full bottom lip.

Using her superior flexibility and agility, she easily entangled their legs before flipping their positions so she was looking down at Leia. Amilyn swore she had never seen anything as beautiful as Leia laying beneath her, flushed with desire but completely at ease, dress bunched around her hips. However, she quickly receded that statement as the princess sat up into Amilyn’s space to give her a quick kiss before pulling the white fabric up and over her head.

Heart in her throat, Amilyn forgot how to breathe.

“You’re beyond beautiful.”

“I didn’t know there was such a thing,” Leia responded, teasing at Amilyn’s usual flair of dramatics.

“Neither did I,” Amilyn replied in all seriousness, arousal laced her monotonous drawl making the princess shiver.

Leia blushed as bright blue eyes raked over her body, followed by the press of elegant long fingers that traced long shapeless patterns over her exposed skin.

“And you’re wearing too many clothes,” Leia said, voice thick and heavy with emotion, tugging impatiently on the belt loops on Amilyn’s cargo trousers. Amilyn quickly shed her trousers as Leia swiftly dealt with the remaining of her underclothes.

They collectively sighed as they pressed together, skin to skin, with no more barriers between them. It felt as if something otherworldly and electric was coursing between them. Fuelled with urgency but still clinging to her gentle nature, Amilyn pressed her thigh into the princess’s core, who ground her hips down to meet her. She moaned as she felt hot wetness smear onto her leg, knowing she must be just as soaked.

Her hands made their way to the smaller woman’s breasts, tugging at dusky rose nipples, her mouth charting its way, with open mouth kisses, to meet her hands at her partner's chest. As her mouth worked over the princess’s chest, Amilyn’s ears were filled with sweet gasps and small moans.

Catching on, Leia bent her knee, lifting her leg up to meet Amilyn’s center, causing the Commander to cry out in pleasure and increase the pressure of her own thigh.

Hoisting a long, slender leg over Leia’s bent knee, Amilyn positioned herself between the princesses legs, her hand continuing its exploration downwards until it met a thick patch of curls.

“Ami, please – “ The Princess reached up to grasp on Amilyn’s shoulders as she stroked a finger down her core before retreating to tease the insides of her thighs.

Leia whined in frustration, canting her hips upwards in a wordlessly pleading to be touched where she craved it most. Amilyn’s features flooded with doting adoration as she leaned forward to capture her partner’s lips in a gentle kiss before returning her nimble fingers to her center. She swiped at the gathering wetness, spreading the slick and rubbing circles over the sensitive bundle of nerves in a way that Leia writhing with want. Having felt she’d teased the princess enough, she positioned her

“Promise me you’ll stop me if you’re uncomfortable.” Amilyn breathed hoarsely.

Too far gone to respond, Leia nodded, burying the side of her face into her pillow.

“Look at me?” Amilyn pleaded quietly, keeping her desperation as subtle as possible.

Midnight brown eyes looked up to hers, and she kept her won blue ones on Leia’s face as she gently pushed in. She wanted nothing more than to succumb to the feeling of hot velvet surrounding her finger, but she forced her eyed to stay open, searching for any sign of discomfort. But she saw nothing on Leia’s face other than pleasure and affection, taking in the way her eyes widened slightly and the almost guttural moan that fell from her open mouth.

Amilyn couldn’t help but smile through her own panting breaths at how the princes pushed back against her hand, aching for movement. Giving in, Amilyn slowly drew her hand back before thrusting back in. It didn’t take long before they were both overcome with desire and moving more ruggedly. Amilyn could tell Leia was getting close and leaned down to trail open-mouthed kisses across the flat plane of her stomach. Maintaining her hand's movement, she buried her nose in coarse hair covering and experimentally ran her tongue over Leia’s clit.

The Alderaan princess cried out her name in bliss, crunching up partially and tangling one hand into purple and blue locks and using the other to brace herself up. Continuing to trace circles with her mouth, she could feel the grip of plush heat tighten around her fingers.

Her name was falling from Leia’s lips like a mantra, and she looked up from her position in time to see the princess gasp harshly, the pull on her hair tightening.

“Oh, Ami. Ami, I’m – “

Amilyn sucked hard on her clit and in seconds, Leia was unraveling around her. She had to place her unoccupied hand on Leia’s thigh to keep her legs from tightening their hold on her head as completion waved through her body. Gently, she coaxed the princess through her orgasm until she collapsed back onto her back, meaning Amilyn could escape the tight hold of her legs.

Guided by Leia’s hand, that was still tangled in her hair, she kissed her way back to Leia’s lips.

“My spectacular Stargirl,” Leia muttered into Amilyn’s neck, as she clung to the taller girl’s form, still quivering with sensation. Her breathing was still uneven, and her form convulsed in an aftershock. Giving her all the time she needs, Amilyn gently stroked her hair and kissed her temple until Leia could gather enough strength to pull back and gaze into her face. “Oh, my darling. That was perfect.”

Amilyn beamed with pride, tracing over the lovely flush of color in the princess’s cheeks. She could have spent eternity staring into the rich chocolate eyes, but Leia seemed to have other plans. With a pitch of her hips, the princes had flipped their position, and a discombobulated Amilyn looked up to meet a mischievous smirk.

“You turn, my sweet thing,” Leia almost growled in her ear. Amilyn rose an eyebrow at the pet name, Leia’s apparently natural dominant nature rising to the surface again. She couldn’t deny the deep rumble and strong tone in her voice didn’t have the Commander keening with want.

Watching Leia climax had left Amilyn dripping down her thighs, her desperate desire surpassing anything she’d ever felt.

“I don’t think it’ll take long. I’m – Oh, Leia!“ She broke off with a sharp intake of breath as Leia ground her hips down.

She was glowing with confidence, and if Amilyn didn’t know better, she wouldn’t have believed this was Leia’s first time. Her hands worked quickly down Amilyn’s lithe body and her mouth easily located the sensitive area behind her ear.

Leia hummed in appreciation against her skin at discovering just how wet and ready Amilyn was. Her fingers danced through the taller woman’s folds until finding the opening. The Gatalentan angled her hips up to take herself on Leia’s ready fingers. The princess set a hard a fast pace, angling her wrist just right to hit Amilyn’s sweet spot on every thrust. Acting on intuition, the princess wet her thumb in the spillage of wetness between long legs and traced it over the bud at the apex of Amilyn’s center.

The sensation left Amilyn gasping and panting out moans that were getting louder in volume with every touch. If she had any thoughts to spare, she would have been embarrassed by how quickly she was at the brink of climax, but every bit of her was focused on Leia and what she was going between her legs.  

“That’s it my Stargirl, let go darling.”

Amilyn did just that, arching her back in a spine defying bend, practically screaming her release. Continuing her talkative streak, Leia ran her spare hand over the taut muscles of her stomach, whispering encouragements until Amilyn relaxed and her walls stopped throbbing.

Leia pulled out, and curiously licked off the sticky residue so when she kissed Amilyn, the commander could taste herself on the princess’s tongue. She nuzzled into the taller woman’s neck, kissing the dark bruises she’d left there, before cuddling into her side, completely unfazed by the cooling sweat that covered them both.

*****

Amilyn tucked the princess’s head further into the nape of her neck, running her hands through the long tangled hair and gazed in euphoria at the sliver of the night sky she could see through the skylight.

“Charting the stars?”

When Leia spoke, it was with a silky smooth voice that made Amilyn shiver.

“Always.”

Misinterpreting Amilyn’s shaking form, Leia pulled the rumpled sheets around them, doing her best to tuck them around the taller girls frame.

“So, tell me Stargirl…” Leia said with jest in her tone.

“Hmm?”

“Do our star charts align?”

Amilyn shrugged nonchalantly, “I have no idea.”

Leia pulled back in shock, not quite believing what she’d just heard, “What?! You mean you never checked? I don’t know if I believe that.”

“Nope, I’ve never checked,” Amilyn said matter-of-factly.

“Why?” Leia said, with worry in her voice, “That’s so unlike you.”

Amilyn turned her head to look in Leia’s eyes their noses brushing, “Honestly?” The princess nodded, and Amilyn took a steadying breath, “Well, I guess I was always nervous as to what I would find. What if it was never meant to be? I didn’t want to know that.”

Leia’s gaze softened, brushing her hands over Amilyn’s face.

“You have nothing to worry about. Not when it comes to us.” Leia said with so much sincerity, Amilyn almost believed her.

 

\--

 

The blushing light of early morning seeped in through the window on the ceiling of Amilyn’s sleeping quarters. Leia had never considered herself to be a morning person and couldn’t recall a time when she’d enjoyed rising before the sun. This morning was different.

Amilyn had drifted off a few hours before the first rays of sunlight. The sleeping form beside her had captivated her fully and she was basking in the warm comfort she was radiating. It felt so unreal as if it had all been a dream. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the steady rise and fall of Amilyn’s chest, the way her breathing shifted her hair, only for it to fall back into place on the inhale.

No dream could hope to be as perfect.

She’d spoken in hushed whispers to Amilyn’s sleeping form, whispering things that she didn’t feel brave enough to say to her face, but secretly hoping the words would seep into the Gatalentan’s dreams.

She whispered how she felt so guilty for dragging her into the war which had already caused her friend and lover much grievance and pain.

How she wished they could just relax on Alderaan together, no responsibilities, no rebellion. How she felt guilty for wishing that.

How she wished Amilyn would compare their damn star charts and stop worrying.

How silly they had been, that night on Alderaan, to promise each other they’d never change.

How she felt that there was still something Amilyn was hiding from her.

How she thought she might be falling in love with her.

It felt silly to be this emotional, was it always like this when two people slept together? Or was it just Amilyn? She suspected the latter.

Before she knew it, a pre-programmed alarm blared in the small room.

  _This is your morning call. All staff and command to be at their stations by 0800 hours. This is your morning call._

Amilyn buried her face into the duvet with a groan before resurfacing with sleep-clouded eyes.

“Hi there,” Leia whispered lovingly.

“Good morning,” Amilyn said, her voice thick with sleep, giving its airy monotone a gravelly edge, “How long have you been awake?”

Leia hummed affectionately at the drowsy woman next to her, gently placing wayward dyed curls in place, “Not long,” she lied. She couldn’t possibly say she’d spent the few hours she was meant to be resting staring at Amilyn and smiling like an idiot. “I think purple will always be my favorite color on you.”

They gazed up at the skylight, the deep indigo of night had faded into a vibrant marigold sunrise.

“Come on,” Amilyn said, pushing aside the sheets, forcing them to face a rush of cool air, “It’s almost 0700 which means breakfast will be over if we don’t get a move on.”

Leia, who had been taken by the loll of the morning, felt as if she’d been doused in cold water. When Amilyn had risen from the bed, cream sheets falling away, the princess got a good look at the intricate map of semi-healed scars and burns that covered her back.

“Leia?” Amilyn turned at hearing the small gasp, “What’s the matter?”

In the dim light and passion of the night, the extensive injuries had been hidden and forgotten. But now in the light of day, they were red and angry. Amilyn’s usual graceful and seamless movements were stinted and stuttering and Leia could clearly see how she flinched in pain.

“Oh Amilyn, it looks so painful.” She reached out to attentively trace each scar, not able to fully keep the guilt she’d spoken to Amilyn about in her sleep from returning.

“It’s fine, really. The bacta treatments have done wonders, it really only hurts in the morning and, “ Amilyn broke off, blushing, “I may have overdone it last night.”

Leia scoffed fondly, “Yeah, you may be right about that. But are you sure you should be up? You didn’t get much sleep and you’re meant to get loads with bacta treatment.”

“I usually find meditation helps alleviate my need for excessive sleep.” Amilyn said, pulling on a lilac dyed standard issue top, that Leia was positive she’d altered herself, hiding the damage under soft fabric.

Leia snorted, placing a kiss on the tip of Amilyn’s long nose as it popped out the top of her shirt, “You’re weird.”

“Hey!” Amilyn said with mock indignation, pausing her morning routine to try to look offended. “With multiple suns, we don’t have long nights on Gatalenta. Besides,” the Gatalentan smirked, “You like my weirdness.”

Leia couldn’t help but laugh, “Normally I would argue, but given our current situation, I don’t think I’d have much of a leg to stand on.”

Amilyn pursed her lips, bright eyes grinning mischievously in a way that made the princess’s heart swoon, “No, I think not.”

They left Amilyn’s room as presentable as they could make themselves. They wandered through the empty halls towards the canteen, Amilyn’s long arm thrown over Leia’s shoulder, entwined fingers dangling on Leia’s collarbone.

As they made their way closer to the canteen, the empty hallways slowly became more crowded and Leia became increasingly aware of how they looked like a couple. She was worried, not because of what other’s would think, but because they hadn’t even had the luxury to have a conversation about it themselves. Leia hated herself for the anxiety that began to brew in her stomach.

Amilyn, who, once again, seemed to have heard Leia’s thoughts, untangles their fingers and pulled her arm away. Leia felt guilty, she didn’t want her to feel like she was ashamed of Amilyn. But rumors flew fast in the rebellion, especially with her royal status, and she wanted the time for them to figure out what they meant to each other without any outside pressure.

Trying to convey all of this, she threw the taller girl an apologetic look, but endlessly-understanding-as-always Amilyn shook her head.

“It’s okay, I get it.” She whispered, just as they crossed the threshold into the enormous dining hall.

The hall couldn’t be more different from the fashionable and trendy restaurants and bars on Coruscant. It was as bare bones and practical as any military base canteen would be expected to be. Thin and long chrome tables were packed as tightly as the bodies that lined their benches. They’d arrived towards the end of the breakfast hour, and the time displayed on the extensive information board that hovered above the service station read 0640. Meaning they had scarcely 20 minutes to get food and eat, and both were starving from the exertion the night before.

They made mindless chatter as they loaded up trays, Amilyn still making fun of how Leia had loaded 3 cups of caf onto her tray as they sat side by side on the end of a long bench.

“Commander.” A stern voice cut through their bubble of bliss, and both raised their eyes to see a familiar but imposing figure standing before them.

Amilyn shot to her feet, only grimacing slightly at the quick movement, and Leia followed suit.

“ _If_ you are feeling well enough to take an X-Wing on a joy ride, I think you must be feeling well enough to take up your new position as commander in my unit.”

Mon Mothma’s voice was commanding and official, but the glimmer of understanding and kindness in her eyes and smile told them she wasn’t really that mad at the unauthorized launch. Amilyn and Leia still had the good graces to look down in reprimand mumble an apology.

The ex-senator lowered her voice and spoke with a kinder tone, “I am pleased to see you are feeling better. And under normal circumstances, I would insist you wait out the entire duration of your leave. However, we have a sudden influx of people thanks to your rescue, and the good command is few and far between.”

“Say no more, ma’am,” Amilyn said with her signature smile.

Mothma sighed and did her best to look apologetic, “If you could check-in with everyone this morning, you won’t need to start back full-time until tomorrow.”

“Not a problem, I’ll head down now.”

“Excellent. Plus, D’Arcy’s been made Captain and could do with some friendly guidance. She was looking very distressed in the control room when I left a few minutes ago. I will come and catch up with you later.”

Amilyn nodded her understanding. Leia caught the Gatalentan’s eyes as subtly as possible and Amilyn gave an apologetic gaze that didn’t match the cheery wave she gave the pair. Leia watched as she collected the remains of her breakfast and floated her way through the dissipating crowds out of the canteen. She suddenly felt strange, the past 12 hours had been so spectacular that she hadn’t even considered that they would eventually come to an end. It was almost as if she could feel reality come crashing down around her the further away the purple-clad figure got, and it felt like she was grasping at the fading glow.

The princess was so absorbed in watching Amilyn disappear that she missed the knowing look the older woman threw her way. Leia turned to see the ex-senator making herself as comfortable as possible on the chrome bench opposite her.

“Take a seat, Leia. Breakfast hour is nearly over, and I’m desperate for some caf.”

Doing her best to shake herself out of her daze and resisting the urge to run after Amilyn, Leia sat opposite Mon Mothma.

The atmosphere in the canteen had changed drastically over the past couple of minutes. Quickly checking the time on the enormous information board Leia realized that everyone must have returned to their stations. The rows of chrome tables reflected back a sea of harsh artificial light in a grueling, ugly way that was almost overbearing without the hundreds of bodies to pad out the space and absorb its brightness.

A service droid, laden with empty trays, dropped a fresh caf in front of Mon who downed almost half of it instantly.

“What’s up? It’s not often councilors eat down here.”

“You’re down here, aren’t you?” Mothma replied, arching an eyebrow.

Leia hoped she couldn’t see how blush filled her cheeks, “Well, I – I was here with Amilyn.”

Mothma decided to spare her any further embarrassment and decided to dive straight into business.

“Cassian Andor, a prisoner who was rescued a few days ago, has been gathering information on what we believe to be a massive construction project. Now, the day of the rescue mission on Jedha, you mentioned to Bail that you and Miss Holdo overheard a conversation that could be of great importance to piecing together this puzzle.”

Leia had almost completely forgotten about their encounter with Tarkin in the senatorial complex on Coruscant. She conveyed as much of what they had overheard to the senator as she ate her breakfast. Once she had finished, Mothma looked grim, pushing her empty tray aside but holding onto the remains of her caf.

“That confirms it then.” She muttered more to herself than to the princess across from her.

“What? Confirms what?” Leia asked in earnest.

“It seems that the man you overheard in the Senatorial Complex is indeed Director Krennic, who is running the same project that the scientist Andor has been hunting, Galen Erso, has been running.”

Leia searched the stony face of the older counselor, who was giving away nothing. Mothma acknowledged Leia's curious gaze.

“I hate to put voice to conjecture, especially without concrete proof. So I insist you keep this under wraps from anyone outside of the council.”

Gripped, Leia nodded and scooted the chrome bench in closer, the resulting metallic scrape reverberating around the empty room.

“Last week, shipments from an interim planet, Riosa, that had been flying under our radar, almost doubled.”

“Riosa? I know that name.”

“Actually, you and Amilyn brought that to our attention too. When you stowed away on my ship on Pamarthe.”

Leia thought back to her pathfinding mission on Pamarthe. Oh how, even then, Amilyn had a been by her side in her fight against the Empire. How they had clambered down from the rickety bridges to follow a hunch, only to overhear a Rebel Councillor discussing shipment plans to Riosa with an Imperial Director.

“He was there! It was the same voice as the white shirt Imperial Director on Pamarthe!”

Mothma nodded, she didn’t seem surprised, but Leia could see the wheels turning in her head.

“The Weapons Facility Amilyn destroyed seems to have served a double purpose.”

 “You mean besides the internment camp providing labor for the military base?” Leia questioned, not quite following the jump in the conversation.

Mothma nodded, and spoke gravely, “We’ve received a communication from Gerrera on Jedha. He seems to have survived his suicide mission, but, from what we could surmise, his numbers are few and weak.”

Something sparked in the princess that she wasn’t expecting, “We aren’t still working with that traitor?! He almost got Amilyn killed!”

“Leia, you needn’t worry about that, he’s not overly keen on us at the moment either.” Mon Mothma said with what Leia thought to be badly concealed satisfaction. “However, the information he gave us was helpful. While we cannot pinpoint his exact location, he seems to be close to the Holy City. The Empire is still occupying the Jedha system and stripping resources from the holy city. But instead of sending them to the internment camp, they’re now being sent on the trade path to – “

“Riosa.”

“You guessed it.”

“You think they were building for the same project that Tarkin was talking about?”

“We do.”

“And that project is the same one Amilyn and I saw Winmey Lenz and the _same_ Imperial director discussing on Pamarthe.”

Mothma nodded, draining the dregs of her caf from the steel mug, allowing a Leia a moment for all this to sink in.

“Doesn’t it seem strange that small ion cannons could take down a Mon Calamari cruiser with one shot? This is new technology, and I’m afraid what Amilyn encountered barely scratched the surface.” Mon Monthma opened her mouth as if to continue, but stopped herself. 

Leia narrowed her eyes, it was incredibly out of character for the older woman to seem so hesitant. The Chandrillan cast a quick glance around the deserted room. Her voice lowered to a subtle tone just above a whisper, Leia had to lean forward to make out what the councilor was saying.

“What is it?”

“There are some members of the council who are more frightened than they’re letting on. Many are setting up personal evacuation plans from Yavin 4.”

“But not for the whole fleet? Surely they wouldn’t leave them here?” Leia said, louder than she should have, but completely shocked at the council's behavior.

“Now, you have to see it from their point of view. We need to preserve the ideas for the New Republic, we will be their leaders when we finally beat the tyranny of the Empire.”

Leia exhaled, obviously still not convinced.

“I’m not telling you this to make you upset. I just think it’s best to alert you to the actual threat level of the situation. Your father was going to tell you, but I offered. It can’t be easy to tell your daughter that things are going from bad to worse and they're in imminent danger.”

Mothma rose to her full height, leaving Leia reeling in the wake of the enormous amount of information.

“Oh and, Leia.”

The princess, who had been staring at nothing while her mind worked over and over the past conversation, responded with a vacant hum.

“I think you can let Commander Holdo in on what we have discussed.” At the mention of Amilyn’s name, Leia brought her eyes up to the Chandrillan’s. “She has proved herself trustworthy and, in all honesty, I assumed you’d probably tell her anyway. What, with all the _extra time_ you two spend together.”

Mon Mothma winked and grinned at the rising flush in Leia’s cheeks. By the time the princess had recouped herself enough to think of a clever response, the councilor had gone, and she was left alone in the cold brightness with a racing mind and a feeling of dread.


	8. Northern Downpour - Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is a reluctant two-part chapter. I was reluctant to split it up for narrative purposes, but it's super long so I've split it into two and will put up the second part in the next couple of days. So this is essentially 7,000 words worth of fluff. 
> 
> For visualization purposes, my interpretation/inspiration for Gatalenta is like the American Southwest meets Switzerland in space, with a bit of Morocco thrown in. If that makes any sort of sense. 
> 
> Song for this chapter (and the next) is Northern Downpour - Panic! at the Disco

**1BBY – Atmosphere above Gatalenta**

 

“Princess Organa, the _Tantive IV_ is cleared for landing. Your landing pad information is being transmitted to you now.”

Leia nodded silently before realizing the crackling voice over the communications link couldn’t see her. “Thank you, we’re starting our approach.”

“It’s an honour, your highness. Enjoy your stay on Gatalenta.” The steady voice responded, and the princess couldn’t help but wonder if all Gatalentan natives had a naturally calm and lulling voice.

Leia still couldn’t comprehend why they had to take her ship to visit _Amilyn’s_ home planet, and downright unnecessarily risky to hide the fact Amilyn was even on board. She was accustomed to this level of espionage, but surely it must be overkill to smuggle a Gatalentan in Gatalenta.

_Apparently not,_ she thought, glancing over to her – _her what, exactly?_

There was another thing she didn’t fully understand yet. Months had passed since that perfect night on Yavin 4, their commitments to the rebellion had meant they had barely seen each other. Whenever Leia had managed to make it to the base, she was never able to stay for longer than a night at a time. Amilyn, on the other hand, had barely left the planet, but the Commander was as busy as she had ever been, and seemed to have taken on more responsibilities than those of a standard Commander. She’d been vague as to what she was working on, and all Leia had managed to pick up on was that she and Mon were sending small numbers of skilled workers and supplies to an off-world project that she was remotely managing. The months had passed her by quickly and their time together seemed fleeting and hurried. So, they had come to the unspoken conclusion not to question their brief moments of bliss and enjoy each snippet as it came. The question of the definition of their relationship hung looming and unanswered, and Leia could not deny it was beginning to cause anxiety. The princess frequently got the feeling that Amilyn felt the same way about it.

But whenever they managed to find time to themselves, she felt like she was seized in the grip of a drug, flushed with pleasure and overcome with the need to feel completely at peace in her arms. Perhaps it was just paranoia, but she still felt as if Amilyn was holding back from her. Only when Amilyn was unattainable, did these still and sober thoughts plague her mind. She had felt such enormous relief at the change between them. It was as if an invisible veil had been lifted from between them, and in a whirling rush of excitement, she hadn’t realized that there had been more than one. Even more frustrating was that it was no great secret that Amilyn wore her heart on her sleeve, so when the emotion that pulled at her face bubbled so close beneath the surface, it was infuriating to not be able to decipher it clearly.

So, naturally, when her parents had suggested that she go with Amilyn to Gatalenta to meet with a potential ally, she had jumped at the chance. A whole week of just the two of them on Amilyn’s home planet seemed like the perfect opportunity to address it. While she didn’t have a wealth of experience in relationships, she knew that communication was key, and they were lacking. Selfishness held a large part in her easy acceptance of the assignment too, there was no denying that. While she had always missed Amilyn when their schedules conflicted, she was not prepared for the ache of longing she had now she knew what it was like to be so close to her. She didn’t think she could bear such long periods of separation wishing for her kiss, her steady voice, for her to ravish her. Days felt like months and months felt like years.

The princess hadn’t mentioned the latest development in her relationship with Amilyn to Bail and Breha. Although, she had a sneaking suspicion her mother knew something had shifted in her daughter’s life. Breha’s knowing looks and conspiring smirks were hardly subtle. And how she thought there was _something different_ about her and was repeatedly asking Leia if she was _sure_ she had nothing new to tell her. The guilt she carried at lying was a similar feeling to the one she had as a child when she had snuck into the kitchen to thieve cakes and sweets and had gotten caught. She wasn’t ashamed of Amilyn, but it felt unfair to declare their romantic involvement to her parents before they’d had the chance to iron out all the details together first.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, I’m excited to visit Gatalenta and I am _really_ looking forward to some us time. But I don’t understand why we have to go through the whole process of going through off-world visitor arrivals when you’re literally from here.”

Amilyn glanced up briefly from her place in the pilot’s chair before returning her gaze to the control panel. She dressed in a traditional red Gatalentan tunic type dress which matched the one she had shipped in for Leia. And, although she had made it clear that blending in was of the essence, being Amilyn, she had added her own flair to the traditional attire by belting the tunic firmly around her slim waist and layering on her jewellery with no more restriction than she usually practised. However, she did look almost unrecognizable with the elegant silk headscarf she had used that covered her hair, which was currently a dark pastel red that made her shoulder-length curls look like pulled taffy.

“My clearance codes have changed. They won’t recognize my new ones and my old ones will cause…problems. So, we couldn’t take the _Moa II_.”

“I know, you’ve said,” Leia said sulkily crossing her arms, irked by Amilyn’s evasive behaviour, “But what you haven’t said is _why?”_

Not receiving an answer, the princess strode over to where Amilyn was sat looking decidedly uncomfortable. She leant up against the back of her chair and ran her hands over the taller girl's slim shoulders.

The taller woman pursed her lips, considering her words carefully and purposefully keeping her gaze on the shifting controls, “Now don’t panic. There have been a few complications that came out of the Jedha incident.”

“What complications?”  Leis said, standing up straight, instantly worried, “Did they find any more injuries? Are you okay?”

“Not that type of complication. A few remaining security cameras at the prison caught footage of the crash, including me being dragged out the wreckage.” Amilyn smiled, but Leia easily caught the bitterness shifting beneath the surface, “Apparently, the purple hair and circlet was somewhat of a giveaway to someone who suspected me anyway.”

“Tarkin. He saw you just the day before.” Leia finished, and Amilyn nodded in confirmation.

“It’s a pretty easy connection to make. And, of course, because I was unconscious, I couldn’t have made it back to Coruscant, which is where I was officially supposed to be. So, you are looking at number eight on the Empire’s most wanted list.” Amilyn said almost proudly, although bittern.

“Number eight?!”

“I know it seemed pretty extreme to me too, talk about an overreaction,” Amilyn spoke with a flippancy that did not align with the severity of the situation. The Empire didn’t mess around with hunting what they considered war criminals and terrorists.

“Ami…”

“Mon says they’re looking for people to place blame on for all the disruption the rebellion has caused. Pointing the finger at a small few discourages people from realizing the extent and manpower of the rebellion and dissuades them from joining the cause. It makes us seem like a small-scale group of rabble-rousers instead of a full military force. Plus, they don’t have a lot of concrete evidence against anyone recognizable, like you or your parents. Anyway, they’ve blamed quite a few recent rebellion conflicts on me personally, including Paucris Major.”

“ _Kriff,_ Amilyn. Should you even be going to Gatalenta?”

“Probably not, but Mother Flourin wanted to meet in person. I’d like to board up my parent’s house and we’re quite remote once we get out of the city, the chances of being seen are quite low,” It was rare for Amilyn to openly express any form of melancholy, so the deep-seated frown that was etched into her face tugged fiercely at Leia’s heartstrings. Her next words came out cracking with emotion the Gatalentan was so fiercely trying to hide. “Besides, this will probably be my last trip here until this is all over.”

“Oh, darling. I’m so sorry.” Leia embraced her from behind, gripping her arms and pressing a firm kiss on the top of her head. “How are you feeling, are you okay?”

Amilyn sighed and shook her head, not having an answer. Whether she was keeping her feelings to herself for Leia’s sake or if she genuinely hadn’t sorted through them was unclear. Doing all in her power to stroke and soothe any lingering heartache away was all the princess could think to do until they were safely landed on the planet’s surface.

Maybe it was because she had spent the entire landing procedure fretting over Amilyn’s safety when they arrived, but she found their ability to clear the planet's security so quickly suspicious. Her training to locate and assess the nearest risk was a habit now, and try as she might, she couldn’t see a single blaster gun. In fact, all security was minimal, and Leia thought how rare it was to see an intergalactic landing station with no armed forces.

Sensing Leia’s confusion, Amilyn drew her near with a hand on her shoulder and whispered, “There’s no need to look so distressed, you’re in no danger here. Gatalentan police don’t carry weapons.”

“That’s an incredibly idealistic utopian policy. In a time of war, is it merely good-natured optimism or pure stupidity?”

Amilyn hummed in agreement, “Neither are mutually exclusive. But it seems to work here. There is no need for blasters and weapons as violence is so rare and crime is almost non-existent. Spirituality leads our lives and the whole religion is based around the light side of the force. Gatalenta may not be able to protect itself from the Empire, but then why should we try? Having a blaster means you’re more likely to be shot at.”

“You’re carrying a blaster,” Leia said bluntly. Amilyn tried her best to look unamused, bumping their shoulders, which was actually a difficult manoeuvre with their height difference.

“It’s an expression. _The point is,_ is that it’s never been an issue here. There’s no real poverty, everyone is on pretty much the same wage no matter what their profession, we have no royalty or real upper class. It’s peaceful, and the Council of Mothers do everything they can to ensure it stays that way, and one of those ways is we have no armed forces.”

“Then why ever leave? It sounds like a paradise.”

“Well, most people don’t. Some of us, however, are less prone to dullness and crave a little more exposure to the ‘nearness and inevitability of death.’” Amilyn said, mocking her younger self.

Usually, Leia would have found Amilyn’s frivolity endearing. However, in the wake of the conversation they just had, she found it hard to be charmed by her knack for danger and it actually made her feel vaguely ill. She remained quiet the rest of the walk across that vast tarmac to the transport trains.

Leia was surprised to see an old-fashioned rail track that a row of sleek, single carriage trains sat waiting to be boarded. They sat next to each other on the cool white benches, legs pressed together as Leia peered out the floor to ceiling windows, taking in the vastness of the landscape. Pink cliffs of jagged rock dropped off into the teal sea on one side of the enormous landing pad and the desert plains ahead were broken only by breathtaking natural rock formations of vivid orange and dusty red, and she could make out the ridge of a mountain range in the distance.

Amilyn seemed lethargic and drowsy once they relaxed into their chairs. She slumped down to nuzzle into Leia’s neck.

“You don’t mind if I sleep? I’m exhausted from the journey and I don’t think I’ll make it to mid-day mediation without – “She cut herself off with a considerable yawn.

Leia smiled fondly, remembering how the taller woman had sent her to sleep on the journey over. How she had dutifully reminded her that Gatalenta had almost a 50-hour day from the rise of the first sun to the setting of the last. And how she, in turn, had spent the hours of the journey from Yavin in the pilot’s seat so the Princess could rest.

“I think you’d fall asleep whether I minded or not.” She teased lightly, tracing the creases of Amilyn’s open palm before interlacing her fingers in with Amilyn’s long elegant ones.

“Mmm, yes, but it's polite to check,” she mumbled, so hushed and unintelligible that Leia almost thought she’d fallen into slumber mid-sentence. That was until she peeked out from under heavy eyelids, “Wake me up when they bring the tea and breakfast through.”

“As if I’d ever let you miss a meal,” Leia responded with affection and pressed a peck on her partially parted lips. Amilyn sighed and a smile ghosted over her face as she drifted off.

Leia’s heart fluttered, brimming with joy at the small moment of intimacy. Oh, how she’d missed this. Allowing the taller woman to cuddle into her side as much as possible, she allowed herself a still moment of serenity before gazing back out the window to the unfamiliar terrain.

Blush coloured rock passed in waves in front of imposing purple mountains that stretched to the sky in the distance. The plant life seemed luscious for the high desert, ranging from flowering shrubbery to large succulents. If she strained, she could make out the ridges of tall evergreen pine trees that covered the peaks looming in the background. The landscape looked like a painting in the grey dusk of morning, and the slow speed of the trains lulled Leia’s mind away from the rebellion.

The stench of rubber and grease and blaster burn seemed impossibly far away, talks of weapons and projects faded in her memory as if they were the dregs of a nightmare, falling away in the first moments of the morning and forgotten entirely by noon.

As they neared the base of the mountains, pink deserts turned into shallow valleys and small hills where fields of tea plants bent in the breeze, their vibrant green a spectacular image against the coral coloured earth. Amilyn woke up slowly, lovely and pliant in semi-consciousness. As villages began to spatter across the scenery, effortlessly noticeable due to their skyfaring scarves that fluttered high in the breeze, Amilyn broke their easy silence with facts and to point out any landmarks or areas of interest.

When they arrived at the city station, multiple suns hung in the sky, as if someone had painstakingly arranged them like art on a wall. The tangerine sky spread a marigold light which caught in the loose pink sand, cloaking the planet in a shimmering golden veil. Ornate in its simplicity. Elegant in its own modest and charming beauty. For a core world, the capital city was very low tech and Leia marvelled how different a busy city could be in a culture where consumerism wasn’t a priority. Most buildings seemed to made of a clay adobe from the pink and orange sands, never standing higher than a few stories. A few more modern buildings littered the streets, but all tastefully done in large panes of glass and sleek surfaces. However, the majority of the sloping city remained traditional, clean and well kept, with herringbone brick streets and crystal white tiled walkways.

As it filled their lungs, the air was clean and crisp, bracing in the way that only mountain air could be where the atmosphere was thin but fresh. The whole town seemed to be steeped in botanical aromas, a mix of incense and a distinctly sharp which Leia assumed was coming from the many distilleries they passed that were all making variations of a pale spirit flavoured with botanicals, florals and fruits. The sweet and fresh earthy perfume of tea lingered from the fields she knew surrounded the city.

The city seemed to lead up the side of the mountain to a large flatiron that jutted proudly out of the evergreen blanketed landscape. At the base of the enormous rock was a white crystal complex that Amilyn pointed out to be where the Gatalentan government was and expanded into the inner part of the city. And just as Leia was contemplating how fit one would have to be to hike through the hilly city to get to it when Amilyn mentioned they were meeting Mother Flourin in the Mother’s tea house.

“Let me guess…its all the way up the hill.”

“Mountain, not hill.” Amilyn corrected, re-tying her headscarf and avoiding a lingering glance from a local who was sat cross-legged, sipping an iced tea and eating a rolled fried flatbread, “And yes, it is all the way up.”

“Of course. Far be it from you to take me somewhere that’s easy to get to.”

“Oh, cheer up. I’ll buy you a snack.”

They made their way to a street cart that sold fried and stuffed flatbreads and iced teas. Amilyn stood patiently as she let Leia peruse the menu, avoiding the prying and inquisitive stare she was receiving from the vendor.

“What is that?” Leia asked pointing at the colourful glass bottles that held the same pale spirit.

“Gatalentan Gin. It comes in all floral and fruit flavours. It’s usually served with carbonated iced tea, but it’s a bit early, don’tcha think?”

Leia laughed, “I don’t know, it might make the expedition up the mountain more enjoyable.”

“Expedition!? So dramatic.” Amilyn said with a roll of her eyes.

“I’m sorry, did _you_ just accuse _me_ being dramatic. I – “The princess had fully intended to come back with a scathingly clever response, but something about this place and their return to their old banter made Amilyn look different. Different was perhaps the wrong word in the sense that Leia realized that all this time Amilyn looked changed and only for her to look carefree and relaxed now. It was like being transported back three years and she was seeing her for the first time, intriguing, unique and luminous. Seeing her like that again, natural in a familiar environment, Leia felt her chest might burst with love.

“What, no sarcastic reply. Are you feeling alright?” Amilyn continued to poke fun until she looked down and met Leia’s beaming gaze. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Leia just grinned and pulled her down for a loving and methodical kiss, before pulling away, looking upwards to meet Amilyn’s eyes, who looked nothing short of delighted at the affection.

“I’ll have whatever you're having.” She said, untangling her hand from the nape of her neck.

Slightly flustered, Amilyn collected herself and turned back to the mildly embarrassed street food vendor.

“Two spiced breads and two citrus blossom iced teas, please.”

“Of course, ma’am.” The vendor replied, and prepared the breads on a sizzling hot plate. The smell of nut oil and sugared spices made Leia’s mouth water, and she was tearing off a piece of the steaming bread once it was placed in her hands.

Amilyn went to pay, but the vendor held up his hands. “You don’t pay here. This is completely on the house, a gift.” His shifting gaze turned friendly and he winked. Amilyn was stunned and tried to stutter out her insistence, but the vendor firmly refused and shooed them away.

“What was that all about?” Leia tried to say, though the large mouthful of spiced bread muffled her words.

Amilyn seemed distant and confused, “I’m not sure. It was strange though.” She shook her head as if doing so would align her thoughts, and they continued up the winding streets.

Small shop fronts were humble and welcoming. Walled courtyards were made of desert clay, but past their ornate doors or swirling ironwork were tranquil courtyard gardens and Riads, that seemed special in their secrecy, each differing in colour and design but all completed with bubbling fountains, small pools and silk skyfaring scarves. Hand carved tables and chairs scraped on painted tiles as people relaxed and chattered in the morning sunlight with steaming pots of tea and bowls of brightly coloured fruits and grains. Or they sat in silence small circles on low seated benches, breathing in clouds of smoke from decorative mouthpieces connected to tall pipes and puffing out the scented vapours in billows of fog. Incense burners lined the streets, all burning a sweet musky wood, that smelt so much like Amilyn, Leia thought she might suffocate by trying to breathe it all in.

The pace of the people on the street was leisurely, no one seemed to be rushing for anything. In fact, Leia was almost uneasy at the lack of distress one usually found on a walkway in a capital city on a core world. Adding to the tranquillity was the simplicity of the way people were dressed. Traditional red fabric that was high quality but no opulent made up the majority of Gatalentan fashion. There were shops selling different coloured dresses and fabrics for special occasions, but it was, for the most part, very uniform; and any passers-by who were dressed differently stuck out like a beacon in a moonless night.

Suddenly Leia had a vision of the Amilyn she met at her first pathfinding class. Sixteen, full of energy, and wearing bright clashing colours and glittering flare glaring for all to see, strolling confidently through the seas of red robes. The mental image had her giggling to herself.

“What are you snickering at?” Amilyn asked.

“I’m just enjoying imagining you trying to find somewhere to buy that multi-coloured pathfinding suit in a place with such obvious uniform.”

“Would you believe I made it myself?”

“Ha! That is no stretch of the imagination.”

Amilyn held her head high in mock indignation, “Laugh all you like, but I’m inclined to point out that, despite my obvious weirdness, you picked me to be your friend, and here we now are. So, there must have been something charming about it.”

“Picked?! I think you’ll find, Stargirl, that you kept getting yourself into trouble and my good nature forced me to have to spend the rest of life getting you out of it.”

“Really? That’s not how I remember it. Regardless, you must enjoy my presence enough to be here with me now.”

Giving her a saucy smile and cheeky wink, Leia replied in a sultry voice. “Oh, you know I _love_ your presence.”

Leia might have thought she’d broached the subject too soon into their visit, but treading on eggshells had never been a forte of her’s. And although they were only a mere few hours into this retreat, Leia’s intentions with Amilyn had been firmly solidified. Besides, the genuine smile that lit up Amilyn’s face at that made her feel as if she was one step closer to tumbling the remaining walls between them and finally unveiling what was going on in her lover’s mind.

They walked in silence, unknowing consumed by thoughts of the other.

Just as soon as Leia felt like opening her mouth to complain that her backpack was beginning to cut into her shoulders, and that surely, their technically being a royal emissary from Alderaan, they could have their belonging sent to them, they had arrived into the centre of the complex. The translucent crystal walls were imposing and appeared to grow out of the mountainside in great slabs of marble. It was a stark change of scenery from the city streets, but the two married so perfectly with the change in landscape from desert to alpine nothing felt out of place. The courtyard was clean and shimmering with emerald green grass and swaying pines.

They ducked into a doorway, some distance along one of the curved courtyard walls that were masked only by a swinging velvet cloth. The room was dimly lit by warm halogen bulbs and burning candles. Sweetwood incense hung in the air and clung to the swaths of fabric that draped from the ceiling and the plush upholstery of the cushion covered benches that surrounded low tables.

Leaving their bags behind the counter, they were led to a private table which was completely shrouded in a hanging cloth and beaded drapery. A woman dressed in ceremonial white with a red cape stood when they pushed back the curtains, and Leia’s first thought was that she never saw someone make Amilyn look so short. The woman who must be Mother Flourin thanked the boy who had led them to their seats and put in an order for a pot of her favourite Jubilee tea. The two Gatalentans shared a familiar embrace, even though Leia knew Amilyn hadn’t seen the Council leader in person since her induction as Junior Apprentice two years ago.

“Amilyn, dear, it’s good to see you. And you must be Princess Organa. It’s an honour, your highness,” The woman spoke slowly and articulately, giving Leia a customary bow of her head. Ethereal was the word that sprung to mind as Leia gazed up at the towering woman. Her long grey hair was loose in waves and frizzing curls, and the lines on her face were gentle and kind as if they had been lovingly pressed into clay instead of scars of old age.

“Please, ma’am. Just Leia is fine.”

“If you insist. Any friend of Amilyn’s is a friend of ours.” Her eyes latched onto their clasped hands and smiled playfully, “Although maybe _friend_ isn’t the right term, am I assuming correctly. This wouldn’t happen to be the distraction that was playing on your mind and messing up your meditation, would it?”

Leia could sense Amilyn discomfort. They hadn’t disclosed the true nature of their relationship to anyone, and this was new ground. Finding her courage, and filing the slice of information about her disrupting Amilyn’s meditation two years ago, Leia nodded her confirmation of the accusation.

“Yes, ma’am, your assumptions are correct.” Even as she said it, Leia cringed at how diplomatic the words sounded, not romantic, and flushed in embarrassment. Why couldn't she seem to get this right? 

Amilyn looked pleasantly shocked, none the less.

“Well, I must say, you look happier, more joyous, today than you did then. Though I’m saddened to see you have foregone the beautiful circlet we gave you. But in light of recent events, I can understand your desire to blend in, not that you have ever been skilled in that.” The woman’s eyes danced mischievously.

“That is true, subtlety is not my area of expertise,” Leia interrupted with a snort that she could not hold back, “And I am sorry about the circlet, I always wear it, but I’m really hoping to avoid being recognized and, quite frankly, arrested.”

“Oh, you will definitely be recognized without it, dear. But I have no doubt no one would dare turn you in.”

“What? What do you mean definitely be recognized?”

“You’ve become a bit of an icon.” And although Leia could tell Mother Flourin was trying to tell Amilyn off for her reckless behaviour, she did little to hide the pride she must have in the younger Gatalentan, “And, of course, any well-educated person living on a core world will know of Princess Organa and her missionary work.”

Leia flushed slightly, “Thank you, ma’am.”

The older woman sighed and gestured for the two girls to sit before doing the same. She heaved a deep sigh, settling into the crushed velvet cushions, “The movement for Gatalenta to support the opposition to the Empire has gained considerable traction since you were last here. And it’s not very often a Gatalentan is found on the frontline of any war, so there’s a lot of national pride linked to you.”

“That would explain the street vendor’s free food,” Leia commented, although Amilyn looked decidedly uncomfortable at the attention, as she began to pick and fidget in her seat.

“Yes, well if it had been up to public vote, not only would you have not been removed as Junior Advisor, but you could have de-seated me with your popularity.” Amilyn’s face was red and her eyes downcast. It wasn’t often she was on the receiving end of good attention and she didn’t flourish in the public eye. She preferred the freedom to fly under the radar.

“But, of course, things being as they are, we had no choice but to strip you of your political position. But, let’s just say your replacement as Junior Advisor has found it difficult to take your place and isn’t entirely thrilled with trying to live up to your legacy”

Amilyn scoffed and said with a slight roll of her eyes, “Let me guess, Tai-Lin.”

“What? Who? Who’s Tai-Lin?” Leia asked.

“Tai-Lin Gar. We went to school together and both applied for the position on the Apprentice Legislature. He wasn’t overly thrilled I was given the position,” Amilyn paused to giggle, “He went so far as to write to the Council of Mother’s to reconsider their appointment. Poor thing didn’t quite like my style nor my approach to politics.”

Mother Flourin raised an eyebrow and tried her best to look disapproving, “I believe his exact words were ‘an over eccentric-loose cannon, whose reckless and erratic behaviour has no place in politics.’”

“Oh yes, how could I forget?” Amilyn said, obviously not the least bit deterred by the comment.

“How he got that opinion of you is just beyond me.” Leia teased, elbowing Amilyn’s side

“Careful you. It’s my house you’ll be staying at this week, and I might just make you sleep outside on the mountainside.”

“You wouldn’t dare. Besides, Miss. Fugitive, I’m your ride.” Leia replied with a smug smirk.

“Ah, speaking of fugitives,” the Councilwoman said, interrupting their teasing “I’m sorry to be the bearer of misfortunes, but I must prepare you for something rather unpleasant. Stormtroopers came knocking a few weeks back, looking for you. Now, due to the nature of your government work with the Senate, they knew your place of residence.”

Leia watched as the colour fell from Amilyn’s face and

“The village? They didn’t – “she stammered.

“No, thank the force, nobody was killed, just questioned. Of course, no one’s seen you there for years and I don’t think the Empire wanted to have an incident on a peaceful, core world. Many still remain ignorant to the atrocities of the Empire, but killings on Gatalenta would make galactic news. I’m not too sure on the level of damage to the house though.”

Leia prepared herself to soothe away any distress, but Amilyn was calm and unsurprised. “I expected as much, but thank you for warning me.”

“However, the restoration project you asked me to look into was successful. And no alarms had been tripped, so I assume it remains undiscovered. Although it would be within your best interest to pass judgement on that yourself when you’ve seen the house.”

Awaiting some kind of explanation, Leia looked back and for the between the two, but Amilyn only gave a silent nod and offered no elaboration. The princess could feel a familiar tug at the corner of her lips, fighting off the frown with a furrowed brow. It felt lately that Amilyn was steeped in secrecy, or at the very least, not being as forthright as she normally was.

Before the grip of gloom and worry could return, the tea arrived and the conversation steered to more menial topics.

“I’ve organized your transport tickets, it’s probably best you don’t spend any credits linked to your account while you’re here, so I’ve set up a burner account.”

“Thank you for going to such trouble.” Amilyn enclosed her hands over the offered data chips and a small datapad. Why Amilyn needed a spare data pad seemed odd to Leia, but she brushed it aside as an extra precaution.

“Think nothing of it, my dears. Really it should be us who are thank you. We experience a rare and unique peace on Gatalenta, but unfortunately, that leads us to a tendency to stick our heads in the sand and ignore the galaxy around us.”

They had made it out of the steamy confines of the low-ceilinged tea house and into the fresh mountain air, with an invitation from Mother Flourin to join the council and few close confidants for their evening celebrations. As it took so long to get to the end of a day on Gatalenta, every last sunset was greeted with a party, filled with food, fire and music before people slipped into bed for a few hours until the first sun rose. Her initial reaction to that bit of information was that it was rather extravagant for a planet that prided itself on living the simple life, but now Leia was experiencing her first Gatalentan day, it made perfect sense. You’d need a party to inspire you to make it to the end of fifty hours of daylight. They’d arrived this morning, travelled to the city, climbed up the side of a mountain, met with who they’d come here to meet and it was scarcely mid-morning. Although they mustn’t be far off.

“What did she mean, what you requested to be done?”

“Oh, just a small restoration project.” Amilyn breezed over the question, brightly indicating to the nearest door. “Ah-ha! This is us!” She exclaimed, scanning a data chip on the security panel and stepping into their sleeping quarters.

They were staying in what seemed to be one of many small serviced apartments that were in the Council complex, that compromised of one large room that had been carved out of the crystal slab. Two beds sat side by side, beautifully dressed in simple but quality cotton and velvets. A modest table and chairs split the room between the sleeping quarters and the kitchenette area. It was weatherworn but still functional and charming, so kept. The simplicity was a charming change from the complex and technologically advanced skyscrapers on Coruscant. And it was calmer and more peaceful than the war-damaged and the poverty-stricken worlds she’d spent so much time visiting. Part of her felt even further inspired to try to spread this type of authentic peace to the rest of the galaxy. The other part wanted to never leave.

Amilyn began to settle their bags down and rearrange the room. Through the open window, Leia could see people clad in red tunics, dresses and capes amassing in the central courtyard for what must have been the mid-day meditation. She crinkled her nose in distaste. Amilyn, spotting her expression and confusion from where she had begun to unpack, sauntered over to peer out the window.

“That’s not actually Spice I can smell, right?” She asked, recognizing the strong odour.

“Oh no, it is. Gatalentan Spice. Much more traditional though, and doesn’t have any of the chemicals and toxins that you’d find on the drug trade routes.”

“And it’s legal here?”

“Oh, Leia, it’s _from_ here! Of course, it’s been grown and manufactured and altered and spiked and sold for illegal recreational use. But it’s original hallucinogen properties can lead to visions during the entry stages of meditation or be used to aid those who are having issues opening their third eye. There were a lot of Gatalentans who left to train as Jedi because of how fiercely we study the Force and make it a part of everyday life. So, it was also used as a way of testing if people could tap into the Force, sort of like a barrier breaker.”

Amilyn might as well have been speaking a different language for all the sense she was making the Leia. The taller woman seemed to pick up on her confusion and chuckled fondly.

“Don’t worry about it,” Amilyn said, sauntering over to where she’d dumped their belongings. In a show of strength, she effortlessly pushed the two beds together and pulled off her headscarf, allowing ruby curls to hand free. “Now, I don’t know about you, but I am not accustomed to such long days and am still exhausted from the journey here. And now that the meeting is done, we are _officially_ on holiday. Nap?”

“Shouldn’t you be out there meditating?” Leia said gesturing to the open window, where hundreds of Gatalentans had amassed. Some seated, cross-legged on the springy grass, others suspended from silks that had been put up so quickly for the session.

“Oh, well, probably.” She collapsed dramatically onto the bed, releasing a deep sigh and humming in contentment, “I’ll go tomorrow, I’m too comfortable. Oh god, an actual bed!” She squirmed as if trying to burrow into the plush mattress before extending her arm to Leia.

How could she say no to an offer like that? Amilyn’s hair fanned out, perfectly complimenting the dusty rose bedspreads, looking more relaxed and content than Leia had seen her in years. She took just a quick, fleeting moment to drink in the sight and commit it to memory before slipping in next to her.

After a refreshing nap, the afternoon was spent strolling the streets of the main city, marvelling at things there was no time to marvel at in times of war. Art galleries, food markets, windchime vendors and decorative gardens.

The final sunsets on Gatalenta were a sight to behold. The atmosphere looked alight with fiery orange that soaked the world in the most spectacular orange light that made the shadows on the bottom of the clouds look lilac. Going purely off the colour of the sky, Amilyn timed their arrival at a private Riad perfectly.

Dinner was delightful in every sense of the world. A few members of the council of mothers and their close friends were enthusiastic and welcoming to the pair. The food was fresh and colourful, simple and delicious and so different from the army rations they had grown so accustomed to.

Rhythmic and primal, dancing on Gatalenta was about as different from the meticulously guided steps of an Alderaan ballroom. It was done both individually but as part of a group, everyone shedding their shoes to move to the beat in their own way around a spectacular bonfire.

Amylin was resplendent.

There were many who were dancing, but Amilyn stood out so beautifully amongst them. Leia’s eyes were glued to her twirling and stomping form. So, in her element, her movements were strong and powerful yet graceful and elegant. Leia had never really appreciated how much strength it must take to be able to hold oneself steady from hanging silks, and that muscular precision was on display tonight.

She was lost in the fluid and staccato movement on her hips, the way her jewellery clinked and rattled. How her hair caught the firelight and her smile reached her eyes, making them crinkle at the edges accentuating the high curve of her eyelids and curve of think eyelashes. The way she seemed to open up her soul to the world, following the beat so effortlessly in her own choreography. Despite having had a few glasses of Gatalentan Gin with carbonated iced tea, her feeling of intoxication came from Amilyn’s dancing.

The vision of Amilyn moving so freely and gayly with golden skin and sparkling eyes stayed with her, even when the evening had ended and everyone bid them a peaceful rest. The apparition fuelled a fire of her own, blazing in her stomach and tingling between her legs. A burning that felt no relief until they had made it back to their quarters, when Leia pushed her against the door frame with a newfound ferocity, urgently prying her mouth open. She all but ripped the crimson cotton from her shaking form.

Her heartfelt brim-full of love and her skin ached with an unknown necessity to be pressed to Amilyn’s. She whispered how beautiful and perfect she had been dancing, how it had made her throb with want. Her words had Amilyn moaning and clawing at the door in need as she kissed her way down her standing body, leaving no skin undiscovered. She pressed and pulled at the slim but muscular form standing before her and licked wet trails from her shoulders to her stomach until she was kneeling before her, mouth pressed to her core, looking up through her eyelashes to watch her lover come undone with a keening whine.

Aware that on her come down, Amilyn was likely to collapse, she guided her gently to the cool tiled floor before climbing on top of her. Still burning with desire, Leia ground down on a raised thigh as she slipped her fingers through the wet mess of spit and slick at Amilyn’s core before slipping in.

The Gatalentan cried out, almost just too oversensitive, but Leia was more familiar and confident with Amilyn’s body by this point she easily brought her past that. Once she had established a steady rhythm, Amilyn lowered her leg and slipped her own hand between Leia’s legs, pushing aside the thin fabric separating them and using her thigh as a levy to press into her.

“Oh Leia, I – “ She gasped out from her position on the floor, coming a second time around the princess’s fingers.

“Fuck, Amilyn, you’re gorgeous,” Leia said running her spare hand over the working muscles in the other’s stomach, hips jerking and moving in a way reminiscent of her earlier dancing. And the sight of her coming undone had the princess reaching her own completion quickly after, falling breathlessly into Amilyn’s open arms.

When they were finally sated, and Amilyn had nestled herself into her chest, both were on the cusp of sleep, the load moans and gasps that had filled the room had silenced and the only noise now was their steady breathing and the gentle tinkling of glass windchimes in the evening breeze. Leia couldn’t help but think this day had been better than any she’d had in years, maybe ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch this space: Part II coming soon!!! Xx


	9. Northern Downpour - Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2! All the plot I was meant to have in Part 1 but got too distracted by the fluff. These two chapters have been a mountain in and of themselves, I'm SO PLEASED they're both up now. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> The song is still Northern Downpour by Panic!
> 
> Also, just a quick *WARNING* that there is some (very mild) drug use at the end of this. Nothing outlandish or dramatic, just don't be shocked. If that's not your thing, or you had a bad experience, I'd skip the last little section.

**1BBY - Gatalenta**

 

Having arrived a few moments behind, she silently sat cross-legged at the back of the mass, her vision filled with the backs of red clad shoulders and heads bowed in thought. When she had lived on Gatalenta, she found the routine and monotonous lifestyle tedious and unfulfilling. Now she ached for its familiarity, feeling purposeful in attending morning meditation instead of resentful and bored, as she had in her younger years. But when the morning had come, slowly with the rise of the first sun, and overcast clouds billowed in dusty pinks and purples, out of not much more than old habit, Amilyn woke easily to the resonating rings of morning meditation bells. The princess had stirred when she'd slipped out of her embrace, wrinkling her nose and groaning in protest before relaxing again. Her bare feet had felt heavy and clumsy against the chill of the tiled floor as she searched for her discarded clothes. Finally dressed loosely in her traditional tunic, and heat frizzed hair tamed she'd made her way out the room to the courtyard feeling excited about the familiar ritual. Years had passed since she had last sat on this hallowed ground and reached inwards for peace. When she had last meditated here, on the day of her meeting with the Council of Mothers, she had failed to find solace in any form of harmony. Because of Leia. Leia, who now slept soundly in a bed they’d shared the evening before.

_Oh, how much has changed since then._ That younger self seemed artificial and so, so distant. And as guilty as she felt admitting it to herself, things were less complicated when she had placated her own desires and accepted her fate to stay Leia’s friend. Now, everything felt muddled.

Peculiar, she thought, how even though she had everything she’d wanted, it still felt like she was borrowing her newfound joy. Like it wasn’t truly her bliss to have. Which was infuriating and why she couldn’t enjoy her deepest desire being realized without feeling guilty or anxious was beyond her. And to make matters worse, it seemed so easy for Leia. The nonchalant way she had confirmed their romantic relationship to Mother Flourin yesterday had not only surprised Amilyn, but made her envious at how casual and easy it had been for her. It made her feel as if she was overcomplicating things – which, in all honesty, she knew she might be, but could not help it. Years of distancing yourself from your emotions was bound to lead to complications.

That, and she was absolutely petrified that Leia might change her mind. Certain that, now she’d known her touch and her affection, she wouldn’t be able to survive without it. ‘

But at scarcely 19 years old, and young, and, for all her wisdom that lie beyond her years, she was still naive about such things.

However, another way she had changed since her last unsuccessful meditation here, was she had become much more skilled in the art of compartmentalization and it was much easier for her to brush these thoughts aside, and slip into a serene stillness.

But even in the depths of her meditative state, she could feel Leia’s presence. Like she’d tapped into some otherworldly connection. It was like a bright light that flickered in the edges of her mind’s eye, warm and steady.

When the bells struck up their reprise, the customary two hours had passed in a timeless stream and Amilyn let the world around her slowly slip back into focus. This moment was what caused her to maintain the practice even outside of Gatalenta. The moment when all her thoughts and emotions, that had seemed an insurmountable trial to face, tumbled back into her blank slate of a mind, each one receiving the proper dutiful attention and recognition they required. She finished feeling rejuvenated.

Eyes fluttering open, the world fell into place around her, and the first thing she picked up on was the figure that was sat next to her who wasn’t there when she’d drifted off.

“I thought you were joking when you said meditation alleviates your need for sleep,” Leia said, looking up from the spot on the grass she was picking listlessly at.

Amilyn chuckled lightly, laying back in the morning suns and swivelling her body to face her, reclining onto a propped elbow.

“You should know better by now to take everything I say _completely_ seriously.”

That made Leia laugh, “Maybe someday I’ll learn.” She leant forward and places a gentle kiss on Amilyn’s lips, sticking slightly with dehydration in the early morning and their overexertion the night before. “Good morning.”

“Good morning to you too. I’m a little surprised to see you up, I thought you’d stay asleep at least until mediation finished.”

“Well, I wanted to, believe me – “

“Oh, I do.” Amilyn cut in.

Leia snorted. “Cheeky. _Anyway_ , I was going to go back to sleep but you all looked so peaceful out here. And I do have to admit, the Gatalentan lifestyle seems to have gotten a lot right, so I figured there must be something in this – meditation thing.”

Try as she might, Amilyn couldn’t stop her eyebrows from raising in surprise, she hadn’t expected Leia and Gatalenta to get on.

“Don’t look at me like that, I can be peaceful. Or at least want to be. But, as it turns out, I either have way too much going on up here,” She said gesturing vaguely over her head,  “Or I have no control over my mind. I’m not sure which is worse.” She said this flippantly, as if it was a joke, but Amilyn knew her better than that, and could tell she was truly bothered by it.

“It does take years of practice. And even then, it’s not always easy. The last time I tried to meditate on this grass it was an absolute _disaster._ ”

She hummed, obviously irritated by her unsuccessful attempt, not really listening.

“What are they doing?” Leia asked, looking distractedly past Amilyn’s shoulder at a large group of natives doing what appeared to be a slow singular dance.

“It’s a martial art. The slow purposeful movements are meant to imitate nature and its connection to the force, pushing and pulling the air around you. It goes hand in hand with skyfaring as a form of reflection.”

“Except their feet are firmly planted on the ground and at no risk of falling to their deaths!”

“Well, we all have preferences, I suppose.”

“And yours just _have_ to be risky.”

“You know me, complete disregard for personal safety an all that. Ooo!” Amilyn gushed, suddenly animated, clasping her hands together in delight, “We could get you proper skyfaring lesson’s while we're here!”

“Absolutely not.” Leia deadpanned, completely serious.

“Come on, please,” Amilyn said, pulling what she knew was a heart wrenching puppy-dog face.

“Don’t make those eyes at me!” Leia said, playfully covering her own, “I can assure you I will never get more out of skyfaring that terror! And even if, by some miracle, I manage to stay in the air without falling to my death –“

“Dramatic.”

“- I can guarantee you, I will never find it relaxing. Kriff, I’m not even in-touch enough with the Force to meditate sat on the ground, let alone hanging from the ceiling.”

The tone of the conversation shifted quickly, a shadow of seriousness falling so quickly over Amilyn’s face, Leia thought she might have upset her.

“I think you’re more ‘in-touch,’ as you put it, than anyone I know.” She stated matter-of-factly, “So much so, it’s almost scary.”

“You’re being ridiculous.” Leia said, trying to laugh the statement away, batting playfully at Amilyn who sat rigid and severe.

“I promise you I’m not,” she said humourlessly “There’s something about you, I’ve always noticed it. A presence that’s so integral to who you are, of course, you don’t notice it or think anything special of it, but it’s there. In how you interact with the galaxy, what’s around you, and how it interacts with you. There are things you seem to be in touch with so effortlessly and I always wondered if you were aware of your connection.”

“Connection? What are you on about, connection to what?”

“Well, I often thought you might be, well, you know – Force sensitive.” Amilyn flushed gently as she said this. Not that it was necessarily a bad accusation, it was just tremendously personal and, since the fall of the Jedi, was a taboo subject on almost every world except Gatalenta, where the old ways were still practiced.

Leia stuttered disbelievingly, torn between the urge to laugh and a need to know why she would think such a thing. Instead, she went for her standard deflection.

“Is it just tea here, or is there somewhere we can get some caf.”

Amilyn cracked a smile, but easily saw past her clumsily laid distraction.

“Alright, don’t believe me. But I know there’s something about you. It’s what drew me to you in the first place.”

“What? It wasn’t my good looks?” Leia said with mock indignation, clutching her chest “I’m wounded.”

Amilyn punched her shoulder lightly, “I am being serious. Do you not see it? Do you not feel that maybe you’re – well, _different?_ I don’t believe you don’t, when it is so clear to me.”

“Wouldn’t it take a force sensitive person to recognize that?” Leia said, feeling slightly uncomfortable and deflecting the conversation back to Amilyn.

“Not necessarily,” She responded, though she couldn’t deny her curiosity at the implications Leia was making about her own mysticism. “You have to keep in mind I’ve been studying the force and how it works my whole life. It is a key part of spirituality here, so maybe I’m less seeing it because I can, and more because I know how to look.”

Leia didn’t respond. She didn’t need to though for Amilyn to know she’d hit the nail on the head, and that pushing the subject any further wouldn’t be beneficial for either of them. Instead, she rose to her full height, brushing grass from her dress and holding a hand out for Leia.

“Come on, let’s go see if we can’t find you some caf, for _both_ our sakes. Then I’ll see what I can do about those skyfaring lessons.”

“Don’t even think about it.”

The morning, despite its lengthy time frame, fled from them quickly and before they knew it, there were back at the old-fashioned transport station. To avoid suspicion, they were taking a public tram into the mountains to the house Amilyn had grown up in. They handed over the data chips with their tickets and clambered aboard the train, stowing their personal belongings as well as an extra bag stuffed full of fresh foods from the markets into a storage compartment.

_“Are you sure you’ve got enough food?” Leia had said sarcastically as Amilyn struggled to carry the overfilled woven basket to the man_

_“I haven’t been grocery shopping in three years! Plus were there for three nights before we get back to the city, and I can never say no to a good snack. So we’ll need spares.”_

_She had rolled her eyes at that, before they both dissolved into fits of giggles._

The journey through the mountains was long and slow, climbing unbelievable slopes and cutting through long tunnels. They traveled further from the desert bluffs into spectacular peaks, blanketed in lush patches of fragrant wildflowers and tall creaking trees. The flatirons were still that dusky coral, but were intermingled with a new rock type that cut off in steep cliffs of a steely grey that shone with a mother-of-pearl sheen, fillings the breaks in the flora and fauna with green and purple luster.

They’d agreed, for stealth’s sake, to get off at the station before Amilyn’s village and hike in to avoid being recognized. The walk was brisk and mostly uphill, which meant it wasn’t suited for conversation. It was occasionally interjected with Leia’s exclamation of the natural beauty, but it seemed so normal to Amilyn. In the same way that one’s reflection grown so unremarkable in the mirror, all she could see was home. True, she had more respect for its tranquility and beauty now that she felt calloused and worn by war, but it still instilled those childhood feelings of restlessness. The clambered over rocky pathways and strode through wild green grasses that grazed her hips, stopping occasionally for water, or food, or to simply gaze over the mountain range.

On one of their breaks, she felt a recognizable rumble in the ground beneath her. Leia looked alarmed and made to jump to her feet as if it was an earthquake, letting out a small shriek at the ferocity at which the ground seemed to shake.

“What is that?!”

Amilyn responded by searching in the tall field of flowers and pulled a deep maroon stalk. She rubbed it in her fingers until the natural oils seeped into the crease where her thumbnail met skin, running along the fine lines in her skin. She offered her hand to Leia, light fragrance flooding her nostrils.

“Smell that.”

Leia looked at her like she was mad, but silently insisting with a shake of her offered hand, the princess took it and sniffed lightly before her eyes shot open in wonder.

“That’s beautiful!”

“It’s fire -juniper grass. It’s the base of Gatalentan Gin and grows only in this area of the mountain range, and in order to get it back to the city, a network of underground delivery tracks sit under the mountain. Most of them are abandoned now, but a few still run. There used to be one that would run right under our home, but it was shut down years ago.”

The spectacular orange had returned to the sky, and their shadows turned purple as they passed over tree trunks. They were both worn and weary by the time the landmarks changed from vaguely familiar to personal, and she knew they had crossed onto what was technically her property. Not that they had much use for fences or property lines out here.

Through the trees she could see the milky white of the house, carved from a natural slab of the standard Gatalentan crystal, it sat nestled into the face of a mother-of-pearl cliff.

A service droid that had been switched off sat dutifully on the front porch, a film of red dust settled over its gleaming metallic surface. It felt so strange for her to be here, like she had passed into an alternate dimension where everything around her was technically the same, but she was so changed, she had to try really hard to recognize it. Years of neglect didn’t help.

The courtyard garden, that had once been as meticulously manicured and beautiful as the ones in the city, was overgrown and wild, tables and chairs overturned and plant pots lay strewn across the cracked tile walkway in various stated of disarray. There was a dull nostalgic ache in the base of her heart at the sight, but she forced herself to walk forward, avoiding the concerned and loving glances Leia was throwing her way.

The both stared solemnly at the blaster-scorched panel that lay askew out its automated track. Mother Flourin had said Stormtrooper’s had come looking for her and to prepare for any damage. She quickly discovered this was much easier said than done, spirits sinking at the door of her childhood home charred and disfigured, cast aside in such a reckless manner.

She felt Leia’s hand run down her back before firmly clasping her wrist, and she finally turned to meet eyes inquisitive with worry. “Do you need a moment out here? We don’t have to go in right away.”

As appealing as putting off facing whatever lay beyond the destroyed panel and abandoned garden, she shook her head.

“Staying out here won’t change what’s in there.” Leia hummed thoughtfully in response, “Besides it’s almost dark, and we can’t sleep out here.”

Yet, upon entering the shell of a house, it became apparent quickly that they would, indeed, have to sleep outside.

She supposed it could have been worse. Although Leia looked at her with such disbelief when she voiced that she thought as much. The stormtroopers had left destruction in their wake. Not in any sensible and methodical manner that would indicate they were searching for something. It was fear-mongering and cruel.

She moved noiselessly and through the mess and could hear Leia move to follow her, every step defined by the cracking and breaking of rubble or glass beneath their feet.

“Actually,” Amilyn said, not wanting to face her, head bowed, “Can I have a moment please?”

“Oh…Okay. If you’re sure?” Leia seemed uncertain in leaving her alone. Understandably, of course, under normal circumstances, standing in the exoskeleton and ruin of one’s home should be soul crushing.

Honestly, she was mostly fine. Since her parent’s death, the house never regained its homely ambiance, always being shadowed in grief and the loneliness of an orphaned single child. Terrible as it may sound, it was actually cathartic to see all the items that brought her such pain and heartache destroyed. Within the next couple of days, the house would be nothing but a shell, but her life here seemed so far away now it was hard to mourn its passing.

Walking down the almost unrecognizable halls, she pushed down any rising remnants of emotion.

And, god how guilty she felt brushing Leia off like that, making her worry as she passed off her need for solitude as distress. But Mon had been explicitly clear that no one, “ _and that means no one, Amilyn,” was_ to know. Of course, she had to call on Mother Flourin, purely because she needed the woman to receive the rebellion workers she’d sent from Yavin 4 and smuggle them into the planet past the Empires required security.

She pushed across the charred carcass of what was once an elegantly embroidered velvet curtain that had hung in the doorway of her childhood bedroom. It was dark and gloomy and nothing like she remembered it. The remaining light of the sunset caught in the dust and ash that hung suspended in air forming solid beams of gold.

Eyes closed, she listened to the light scraping as she ran her fingertips across the raised bumps of paint that had mapped out the constellations as seen from Gatalenta. She didn’t need to switch on the light to see them, she knew their patterns by heart, following the lines and jumping between raised circles. Memories of years of tracing their patterns as a kid make her lips quirk into a fond smile. She eventually reached her destination, the Carosus System, which had a bright cross through it showing that the system had been destroyed, and pressed one of the data chips against the painted wall.

A hidden panel pulled back, followed by a set of heavily fortified doors. She entered her new clearance codes and the small datapad Mouther Flourin had given her the day before light up with an alert stating that the door had been breached as a gust of wind blasted her in the face like a seal being broken. She stepped into the chilly and dark abandoned cart tunnel, stepping over the rusting rail tracks and breathing in deeply the smell of wet earth mixed with a lingering aroma of red-juniper grass. As Amilyn stepped in, data tables and rebellion maps and plans lit up and the sound of a generator began to whir. Supplies and rations stacked high on every wall. She started to take stock of everything, and make herself familiar with the relatively complex maze of small rooms. It was dreary and confined, but it would have to do should it ever need to be used. She hoped not.

“Amilyn?! Sweetheart, are you back here? ” She could hear Leia calling down the hall. Quickly leaving the secret bunker she resealed the door behind her, and just as the panel had slipped seamlessly back into place, Leia rounded the corner.

“There you are.” The Alderaan princess stepped into Amilyn’s space, placing her hands on her waist and tugging her a little closer, “Come out of here. I’ve found a few undamaged blankets a cushions, I thought we could set up in the gazebo for the night and start going through everything tomorrow. I don’t think you should stay here when it’s like this and it’s getting late and – is this your room?”

Amilyn smiled dotingly at Leia’s concern and nodded, “I painted the walls myself, can you tell?” She teased.

“I did guess,” Leia responded, genuine affection piercing through her attempt at sarcasm. “Come on now. I’m starving, and we can start a fire and sleep outside and you can show me all the constellations.”

That’s how she found herself sat staring into the flames of the fire they’d created, small and cheerless compared to the one she had danced so freely around the night before, but burning just as brightly in the cover of darkness. She could make out the remains of furniture in the embers, letting herself let them go and the memories that stuck to them, watching as they slowly fell into white ash.

Despite their quite morbid arrival, the evening hadn’t been a complete write-off. They’d cooked their food over the fire and made tea with a pot from the kitchen. It was a basic style of living that neither were accustomed to and they enjoyed the adventure they found in its ruggedness. The mood had lifted considerably. In rallying together the supplies to make their makeshift campsite as comfortable as possible, they’d discovered that a lot of the damage was superficial. Beneath the dust and debris, a lot had survived and the task of clearing it out seemed less insurmountable.

So sat side by side, wrapped together in a blanket, Amilyn had happily chattered on about the meanings and stories behind all the constellations she had studied. Leia had been perfectly content, head resting on her shoulder, listening to her speak so animatedly. It was like being transported back in time to the rooftop of the palace of Alderaan, when they were still mostly unblemished by the horrors of war. But instead of melancholic nostalgia, they were grateful for the opportunity to just be.

Now they sat, consumed in their individual thoughts, the fire doing most of the talking in pops and cracks and fizzles that filled the silence.

“Amilyn…Was it true? What Mother Flourin said about you not being able to meditate because of me? Two years ago. Because you were...distracted by me?”

_Oh, Kriff. Here we go._ Amilyn had to reach deep to find the character to brace herself for another emotional onslaught, convinced Leia was going to be shocked and appalled at discovering how long and how fiercely she loved her. Grappling for an answer but discovering nothing, and by the time she felt she could get her mouth around words, her elongated silence was answer enough.

“Oh.”

There was a deafening pause.

“So what I don’t understand is –“ Leia broke off, having to reach deep for the courage to say what’s been on her mind, “What I don’t understand is why, if that’s the case, now that we’re together – in whatever way, we are together – why I feel like you put distance between us. I _know_ you Amilyn, I _know_ when you’re not telling me something.”

“Believe me, you don’t always.” Fear at how this conversation was going making her sound harsher than she intended, “I kept that secret for years and, you said yourself, you had no idea.”

“But you’re not keeping that secret now. So tell me why it’s so hard for us to talk about this?”

Leia’s word’s hadn’t been aggressive, but Amilyn felt as if she’d been slapped. She hadn’t realized her inner turmoil had come across as distant and cold. She knew then she had to be honest with her.Amilyn’s face was burning hot and her skin was itching. She’d been bared naked before Leia many times now, yet she never felt as vulnerable and exposed as she did now. She swallowed thickly, willing the stodgy thickness that was accumulating in her throat to pass.

“Oh, stars, Leia – I’m so sorry. I…do you mind if I speak in metaphors?”

“I’d be a little surprised if you didn’t.” That finally had Amilyn smiling; it was genuine but short-lived, falling off her face as lightly as it had arrived.

“Please don’t think badly of me.”

“I could never – “

“Oh, you might. Once you know…Once you know that almost everything I’ve done these past few years, I’ve done for you. You are at the core of everything.” Amilyn paused but receiving no response, ploughed on, “You’ve always been the star of my universe, but I never had any hope you’d ever be interested in me. So I had committed myself to an unwaveringly stiff and distant orbit, and, _kriff_ , I did everything I could to stick to it. And now I’m…knocked off-course. Closer to my star, true – closer to you, which is exactly where I want to be – but knocked off-course, none the less. Adjusting isn’t coming easily.”

Amilyn’s eyes burned, as she stared intensely into the embers of the fire, but she dared not look to Leia, half expecting to find some form of alarm, disgust or betrayal painted across her perfect face.

“Ami…” she whispered in disbelief, reaching out to try to pull her face up to look at her, but the Gatalentan resisted.

“I never wanted you to think our friendship had some ulterior motive. Or that I was only there for you because I had an angle. Because that would be so far from the truth. You are so very dear to me, and you would have been even if nothing had ever happened between us. I was content – no, more than that. I was blessed and truly happy to just be your friend, and, if that’s all you ever gave to me, I would still have considered myself the luckiest girl in the galaxy. But please don’t think I used you or took any sort of advantage of the position of trust you put me in.”

“I could never think that. It never even crossed my mind.” Leia said gently, reaching out with both hands now to pull Amilyn into facing her. Leia leaned forward and the kissed sweetly and Amilyn thought she might weep. “Stargirl…I love you.”

Now Amilyn was afraid she really would weep, her heart melting into her chest and she rested their foreheads together.

“Oh Leia, I love you too. More than anything.”

“Thank the stars!” Leia almost cried with her, “I was worried you, well, you might not,” She trailed off.

Amilyn pulled out of her embrace like she’d been electrified, grasping lightly at Leia’s shoulders. “Darling, I was terrified. Terrified you’d be freaked out or appalled or disgusted or a myriad of other horrible things. But, never for one second, did I not love you.” She was firm and insistent, looking Leia dead in the eyes as if doing so would eliminate any further room for doubt.

“The veil has lifted.” Leia murmured, holding her gaze as if searching for something in the depth of her eyes.

“What?” Amilyn said, confused.

“You’re not the only one who can speak in metaphors.” Leia said, “So is that why we never speak about the future? Our future.”

Amilyn nodded, voice small in comparison to her earlier commanding tone, “What if we don’t have one?”

“Just like how you were afraid to check our star charts?”

“Yes, exactly like that.”

“Well, then, my Stargirl, I’m going to tell you now what I told you then. You have nothing to worry about. I adore you, and I want to be with you in every way I can. I miss you when we're apart and when you’re near, you make every horrible second of this war bearable.”

“It seems a little like inviting in disaster to plan for the future given the current climate. They do say never make plans for after a war until the war is over.”

“Alright, well lets plan what plans we’ll plan then, provided we get there. Can we do that?” Leia said, laughing at her own ridiculousness. But if this estranged hypothetical talk was the only way they could have this conversation, then so be it.

“I guess that’d be alright.” Amilyn said, taking a leap of faith, “Let’s say we do have a future. After the fighting is over. What would you want?”

“I just want what my parents have, in my mind, they have the perfect relationship. They’re committed and loving to each other and make a killer team. Being safe and stable in knowing how completely that one person loves you.

Amilyn listened, enraptured, committing every word to perfect memory. (Later she’d regret this. For these words would linger over her like a cloud for decades to come.)

Not getting any response, the princess asked, “What about your parents? What were they like?”

“They were wonderful, although I think I was a bit of a handful for them. But they loved each other, and they loved me. But they made sure I knew love is not a given and never to be taken for granted. He used to say he needed to treat my mum like she could leave any day. You know. Life being what it is/was/is – not sure that was always the way it is now – but they never parted.”

Leia was looking at her with shimmering eyes, firelight dancing in in their shine.

“I’ve never really heard you speak of your parents before.”

Sighing heavily, Amilyn shook her head, “No I guess I don’t much, really. It’s not exactly easy, and one of the reason’s I don’t stay here. The further away they get, the harder it is to face.”

Slipping her smaller hand into Amilyn’s, Leia gave an encouraging squeeze.

“Well, you’re not facing it alone.”

Covering their entangled hands with her other one, Amilyn mouthed a quiet, “Thank you.”

“And speaking of families, I know you’ve taken back some of your missed injury-leave to come on this trip. But since you were actually on a rebellion mission – through what that is still eludes me – do you think you might be able to take one more pleasure trip?”

Amilyn looked at her quizzically, quickly extinguishing the desire to divulge to Leia the details of the hidden underground safe house. She had such a burning desire to tell her, in case Mon Mothma’s fears became realized and she disappeared, the princess would know where to find her. But she had promised the Chandrillan, and she knew that, logically, the less people who knew, the fewer people could give it away. Plus, if that situation ever came to pass, Mon had promised she could tell her where she was going. That was one of the main reasons she had brought her lover on this trip; not just to show her Gatalenta, but also so she could find her should Mon's evacuation plan need to be executed.

Swallowing those thoughts, masking her momentary distraction by clearing her throat, “Possibly, why?”

“Well, Founding Day is in a couple of weeks on Alderaan. I know my parents would love to see you, and it’s a great party. Stars, Amilyn, when was the last time we went to a  _party_?”

“Speak for yourself, I went to a party a few weeks ago.”

“Getting drunk with the pilots and winning all their money in sabacc games does _not_ count as a party.” Leia said knowingly, not having any of it.

“Oh. Well, in that case, it’s been years. I’ll see what I can do,” Amilyn said slyly, “I can be _very_ convincing.”

 

 --

 

“Alright, show me how this works.” Leia said in almost a defeated tone, striding up behind the figure seated at the cliffs edge, jerking Amilyn out of a trance.

There was something adorable and charming in how Amilyn had allowed herself to slip so easily back into the Gatalentan way of life, dutifully rising early at the echoes of the bells from the valley, and committing herself to hours of meditation.

Amilyn had hit the nail on the head when she had said Leia seemed to be connected to something, but to what she wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure she’d go so far as to say she was Force sensitive, but she felt sure that whatever it was she was missing, she’d be able to face more clearly if only she could meditate and focus like Amilyn. It was staggering how they had spent the past few days clearing out her childhood home, handling every precious object before throwing it into a waste incinerator, and throughout what must have been a particularly painful process, Amilyn stayed calm and was just happy to spend the time with Leia.

It didn’t help either that Leia had serious issues adjusting to the Gatalentan sleep schedule, and Amilyn seemed to be pulling from an endless pool of energy.

Registering Leia’s approach, Amilyn’s bright blue eyes, squinting and small in the sunlight, darted between Leia’s face and the blown glass stand clasped in her hands.

“Huh? What have you got that for?”

“I found it yesterday when we were clearing out the mess. You said it could help with meditation. And clearly, I need the help.”

She seemed skeptical, words seeming to catch in her mouth before finally saying, “I don’t know, darling. I’m not exactly trained in teaching meditation, I’d have no idea how to guide you through it.”

“Well, have you ever smoked one before?”

Amilyn spoke slowly and carefully, “Yes, once or twice.  And only under careful instruction.”

“You’re here aren’t you?”

Not at all looking convinced, Amilyn’s lips formed a tight thin line. “I suppose I am.”

“Come on, I’m just curious. And you said it could help. _And_ it’s legal here.”

She paused to consider it, arriving easily at the conclusion that Leia could try the Gatalentan Spice with or without her support. And, knowing Leia as well as she did, she knew that if her mind was set on it, she would follow through and it would be better for her to have someone with her. Sighing in defeat, she nodded, scooping more incense onto a charcoal disc.

“Give it here, then.” She conceded, and went about preparing the tall glass contraption, that reached eye level when she was sat on the ground next to it, lighting the charcoals and adding the right amount of the dried hallucinogen to the steaming water.

“Okay, one inhalation only to start. Breath in, hold it in your mouth, then breath it out. Don’t swallow, you’ll regret it.”

With one inhalation, the smoke flooded her lungs once more and her eyes tripped closed. She watched as Amilyn mocked her actions, her face disappearing a cloud of smoke that poured from her parted lips. She reached back for the mouthpiece, that was attached to the base by a decorated tube, but Amilyn withheld it.

“No, that’s enough. We don’t know how you’re going to react to it.” Amilyn’s voice cracked, and Leia could understand why, her throat felt dry and rough, “Now close your eyes.”

She did so, and felt Amilyn’s hands run down her shoulders and clasp hers in support, crossed knees brushing together their entwined fingers resting between them.

Feeling Amilyn’s breath on her face, the world began to swim and swoop around her and she just about heard her whisper, “Clear your mind and breathe deeply. Reach out, feel the ground beneath you and let go of it.” Words that a few days prior had sounded like mumbo-jumbo seemed to make perfect sense and she did just that.

At first, it was a spectacular sensation, feeling the ebb and flow of the planet around her. She felt connected to its core, she felt like she had become part of the wind, the tide, the rising mountains and plants that fought for life in the desert. She could see it all with her eyes close. And she could see Amilyn too, bright and luminous in her mind’s eye, more than just a physical presence.

Then all these visions seemed to swirl and dissipate like smoke fading into the air.

And for one blissful moment, her mind went blank and there was a floating blanket of calm.

Then, like water breaking a damn, a violent barrage of visions and pictures assaulted her in a whirlwind.

_A whole system of stars in supernovas. They looked familiar but, from where she couldn’t remember._

_A woman, bearing a royal Naboo headdress, lay cold and deathly still as the shrieks of two newborns pierces fall on deaf ears._

_A desert farm, scorched by twin sun, where a young man stood looking to the horizon._

_A long unfamiliar hallway, dull and cold. A fluorescent light flickering with a discordant buzz, beaconing her to walk its length._

_A music box playing Mirrorbright._

_A woman, unrecognizable, cuffed in the back of an Imperial Prison transport, fighting her Rebellion rescuers._

_A horizonless sky._

_Amilyn, she knew it was her although she couldn’t see her face, bared and vulnerable, screaming and gasping for air against a cold metal corner._

_A moon rising above the mid-day Alderaan skyline, mammoth and grey in the bright daylight._

_She could hear metallic breathing. She could hear death and destruction, screams and the crunch of crashing metal. The uproars were unbearable. She felt lost in flying images of wreckage and destruction and decay._

_“That’s enough.” Amilyn’s voice echoed around her mind, partially drowned out by the clamor of carnage, that Leia was unsure she’d even heard it.  “Leia! Come back, Leia. Come back to me. Open your eyes.”_

Gasping for air, her eyes snapped open. Amilyn’s gentle loving touch was all over, stroking her arms and her cheeks, kissing her face and hands and pulling her head to her chest as Leia fought to regain rhythm in her breathing.

“I’m here. Oh, my darling, I’m here, I’ve got you” She whispered into the top of her head, tucking the long locks

“I saw – “

“Shhh,” Amilyn said hushed and low, stroking her hands down the long expanse of Leia’s hair, “You don’t have to tell me. I saw too.”

Leia pulled back, to look properly at her lover’s face only now to take in the tear tracks on her red cheeks, the depth of fear in her quivering blue eyes reflected back to Leia her own dread. She wanted to ask how that was possible, her projection and Amilyn’s interpretation. But in the wake of what they had just witnessed, it seemed inconsequential. Was it the future? Her future? It couldn’t be.

She felt shaken to her very core, and she didn’t need to ask to know that Amilyn had been as well. Desperation and hopelessness impeded on her consciousness, the enchantment of their trip fading too quickly for her to grasp hold of it.

“Let’s stay here.” Leia pleaded, “Forever. Just the two of us, we can leave everything else behind and just stay in the mountains.”

Amilyn smiled and laughed a breathy laugh, shaking her head. “You don’t mean that.”

It was true. Leia felt guilty for even voicing it, and she knew they were too far in to leave the fight behind.


	10. Hymn to Her/The Chain (Demo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I know, I know this has taken AGES. But the current production I am working on has been ridiculous and I've spent most of the past month travelling and working insane hours. Plus, I've been procrastinating on writing this bit (because I don't like to cause pain), but I am a slave to cannon...well, to an extent. But, all the lovely comments I've received over this period have kept me going! 
> 
> Now, excuses aside, here we are.
> 
> There are two (2) songs for this chapter (extravagant, I know.) But I was undecided and it made my playlist numbers align up again with chapter numbers so, hey ho. 
> 
> SO:
> 
> Hymn to Her - Pretenders (I saw them a few weekends ago, opening for Fleetwood Mac. And this song breathed life back into my muse as I was trying to get into Leia's connection with Alderaan. So what better than this song about Mother Nature. And I tied it up in other ways as well!)  
> The Chian (Demo) - Fleetwood Mac (Just Stevie and Guitar and it is HAUNTING! I didn't want to abandon my original muse. Plus, I'm a slut for symbolism).
> 
> Give them a listen if you're going for the full mood.
> 
> Now, the final order of business is that I know this is a LONG chapter. But I wanted to give them some fluff before the storm. Then the storm deserved due attention and care. So here's the result!
> 
> Enjoy Xx

**1BBY** – **Palace on Alderaan**

 

“That’s the last of the arrangements sorted,” Breha said, relief in her voice as she strode purposefully into the library. “I swear, every year we get more elaborate, and more and more down to the…wire.”

The viceroy shot up from where he had been napping in his chair, obviously not engrossed in the information flying across his datapad.

“Huh? Sorry,” He said, eyebrows knitted and frown set, leaning back out of his hunched posture while rubbing his eyes with his thumb and finger. He looked tired, more than usual. The glow of late afternoon sun, which was ordinarily flattering painting everything in its golden light, seemed to pass through his tanned complexion and bring out dark circles and marked skin. When was the last time he had slept? She’d barely seen him since he arrived in the early hours of the morning.

The Queen’s determined march slowed until she had stopped in front of her husband’s desk giving him a look of doting concern. She sighed and shook her head, “Nothing, don’t worry about it.” Shutting down the datapad in her hand she tossed it onto a vacant plush chair. Internally bracing herself, she knew, when he was like this, worn thin. “We _do_ have bedrooms, you know. If you need to sleep.”

He didn’t even crack a smile at her attempt at banter: it must be bad. Trying a softer tactic, she rounded the desk with her floating graceful steps, coming up behind him to rest healing hands on tense shoulders.

“What’s happened? On Yavin IV? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so…drained.”

Bail heaved a deep and heavy sigh, closing his eyes and shaking his head, “Mon found the daughter of Galen Erso. She’s sending her to the holy city on a mission with Captain Andor.”

“Galen Erso? The Imperial scientist?”

“The very one. She’s been a prisoner for a few days. And we are sure now Erso is the one building this secret weapon, which they’re now calling the planet killer, whatever that means.”

Breha’s eyes widened as she slowly perched herself on the edge of the desk. Now, _that_ was not what she was expecting to hear.

“Why haven’t you told me all this?”

Bail reached out to clasp his wife’s hand, “Please don’t think I meant anything by it. It’s been busy and there’s…much to take in, the past couple of weeks. I wasn’t omitting information, just being forgetful.”

The sides of Breha’s mouth twitched, her ageless face softening into a gentle smile, squeezing his hand in return. “Should you be here? Do you not need to go back to Headquarters?”

The viceroy shook his head, leaning back in his chair. “Not at the moment, no. Mon seems to have everything under control. And I think she’s enjoying being Draven’s sole commander. You know how they tend to clash.”

Breha’s bit her lips in amusement, knowing that the General, despite being efficient and the most favourable for the position, tended to rub the Chandrillan and her husband the wrong way.

“Of course she is.”

“But she wants to use the girl to get Saw back on our side. And, if  this girl, this Jyn, is up –“

“Wait, what?! Saw? Really? After everything he’s done, all the damage he caused, you’d think she would have given up with him.”

“Yes, I quite agree, which is why I’m staying well out of the way that the moment. She knows I still don’t approve of him, and having me around will definitely make him less likely to cooperate with us. Too much water under the bridge and all that.” Bail released a heavy sigh before clapping his hands to his knees and sitting up a little straighter, “But if Mon wants to insist on diplomacy one last time, I’m hardly the one to argue with her. And, I can’t dispute the fact that any potential ally at this stage is another asset to the rebellion. I just hope she’d not tugging at loose ends.”

The queen hummed thoughtfully, slouching slightly, deep in thought.

“Don’t look so nervous.” The viceroy continued, trying his best to be optimistic, “On the bright side, it means I can stay for the Founding Day celebrations. And when is our darling daughter making an appearance? It’s not like her to miss it.”

“She won’t be missing it, she’s arriving tomorrow night.”

“From Coruscant?”

“No, actually. She’s on Alderaan at the moment, in the mountain range north of Cloudscape Falls.”

“At this time of year? _Why_ would she want to go there _?_ It’ll be freezing! _”_

Breha sighed, shrugging with bemusement, “I asked her the same thing, but she said something about Snow Owls and a surprise for Amilyn.”

“Wait, Amilyn is with her?”

Lips twisted into a conspiring grin, the Queen looked at her husband pointedly through narrowed eyes. “Indeed, she is.”

“Woa-hoah,” Bail said, brightening up around the eyes, and finally the echoes of a smile lifted his. Cocking his head and raising his eyebrows at his wife, “That’s a pretty big deal, bringing an off-worlder to Founding Day.”

Alderaan was an open and accepting planet, allowing for almost completely uninhibited travel every day of the year except one. The whole world’s communication with the galaxy was cut off for one glorious rotation of the planet. It was a day to celebrate Alderaan and with its society, and, although the rule wasn’t strictly enforced, it was a day meant for the planet's inhabitants. It was an unspoken rule that anyone on romantic interest brought to a Founding Day festival was expected to become a resident. And in a culture that valued monogamy and lasting bonds, it was, to understate, a pretty big deal.

“She knows that.”

“And she _still_ hasn’t said anything to you? About them.”

“Not explicitly. But something about her has definitely changed. All this rushing from one mercy mission to the next and her involvement with the rebellion has obviously taken its toll. But as soon as Amilyn is mentioned, she seems to glow with happiness and relax. In a way, I haven’t seen in her since before she joined the Apprentice legislature. You saw the way she lit up when we suggested she go to Gatalenta with Amilyn. And you told me how anxious she was during the incident on Jedha.”

“So you think it’s serious then?”

“With them, I think it has to be, doesn’t it. All they’ve been through, I don’t know if there is much of a middle ground left.”

“Well I’m happy for her, it’s been a long time coming. But I do what to know why she hasn’t told us yet. I don’t think we’re unapproachable, are we? She was more open about Keir.” He expelled a slow breath of air, “I mean, as a member of the Royal Family, bring her to Founding Day was hardly going to go unnoticed.”

“I think this might be her way of telling us. But, I’m sure we will get it out of her before the end of the festival,” Breha smirked, and said in a lower almost-whisper, “Besides, this gives me the chance to exercise my right as a mother and be excruciatingly embarrassing.”

Bail laughed at what he hoped was his wife joking, “Oh stars… well, try to be kind about it. We were all young once, try to remember what horrible agony that was.”

“Of course,” Breha said, smiling warmly but the viceroy could see her brain scheming behind her eyes. That was until her thoughts were interrupted, and she quickly darkened, “Oh and speaking of our daughter and Gatalenta – “

She was interrupted by a service droid who informed them that supper had been set in the dining room.

“Thank the stars, I’m starving. I can barely remember the last time I was here long enough to eat a real meal.” Bail pushed himself out of his chair with considerable effort, so much so that Breha had to almost physically restrain herself from commenting on it as he all but stumbled into the hallway.

“What were you saying about Gatalenta? If this is about the assassination, I’m sure Amilyn knows. Flourin was integral to planning Mon’s safe-house, they were in pretty much constant communications. It probably came as quite a nasty shock…I mean, as it came to us all.”

“I know. And on a core world as peaceful as Gatalenta…” The Queen trailed off, “They’re getting too bold. And, of course, the whole planet is in an uproar, which is rare for Gatalenta, being so peaceful. They’re demanding some sort of investigation, but the whole situation looks like it’s being kept deliberately confusing.”

“Well, as far as I’m aware nothing’s been mentioned in the Senate. I think they’re sweeping it under the rug, which hasn’t gone down well with the councillors who are part of the rebellion. But it can hardly be ignored forever.”

“Hmm, true.” They paused, ”Although that wasn’t actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh?”

“It’s actually Leia. You know she went to Gatalenta a couple of weeks ago?” The viceroy nodded. “Well, when she got back I had a rather…disturbing holocommuncaiton with her.”

“Disturbing? Disturbing how?”

“Now, I wasn’t going to say anything in case I was reading too much into it. But, upon reflection, I think it needs to be addressed. Her body language was all over the place and I could tell she was really shaken – “

Bail cut in his wife’s nervous ramblings. As a normally direct and concise woman, it wasn’t often she got like this, so worried that she resorted to beating around the bush.

“ _Disturbing how?”_

“She had some sort of vision during a meditation session. She said she could hear things and see vivid images… as if she had, and I quote, ‘tapped into something.’”

Bail stopped in his tracks, glancing quickly over his shoulder at the deserted synthstone hall. The hour was late, and the golden light lit up the white synthstone and you could see every particle of dust clearly as they hung immobile in mid-air without so much as a breeze to shift them. Still and safe, there was no way they could be overheard.

“You think she…had a vision. Because of - ” the viceroy broke off, but Breha didn’t need him to continue to know who he was talking about.

Treading carefully, she responded, “I think it’s a pretty plausible possibility. It could just have been a bad dream, but…she seemed really quite traumatized by it.”

“She can’t have connected with the Force without training.” Bail replied in firm confidence, then asked with much less certainty. “Could she?”

“I’m not sure.” The Queen spoke slowly, wondering whether it was worth the strain it would cause to put a voice to her speculations. “Gatalentans _are_ very religious and still lead a Force-centered lifestyle. I’m sure Amilyn is educated enough to have given Leia the foundation to find her own way to it, whether she did so knowingly or not…And, as much as we don’t like to, we have to consider the strength of her bloodline. I don’t think it would take much for her to accidentally break through, considering how naturally it came to Anakin.”

There was a name they hadn’t vocalized in years, it was almost painful to listen to the Queen’s last uttered syllables. Bail’s frown deepened. 

“We worked so hard to keep her from it. I don’t – “ He broke off, voice cracking with defeat as Breha reached up to cup his haggard face.

“We can’t protect her from everything forever.” They stood silently for a moment, hand on cheek, and Breha wondered if maybe she’d pushed her already strained and harried husband past his coping ability. “I hate to ask this question, but do you not think that, maybe, the time has come to tell her the truth?”

Bail sounded desperate, grappling for some reason not to, “But I’ve already– “

“I mean really tell her. I know you’ve left a message with Mellowyn on Birren, but a recording in a music box won’t do her any good. That’s just putting it off and you know it. Don’t you think it would be so much better coming from us? In person.”

The viceroy looked tortured, and Breha did feel awful for springing this on him when he was so obviously worn to the bone.

“I promise I will think about it. But, for now, let’s wait until after the festival. Especially if she is bringing Amilyn, I don’t want it to cast any unfriendly shadows,” Breha nodded at her husband’s response, realizing she couldn’t ask for more from him. “So, now it’s my turn to ask a question…Snow Owls?”

The Queen laughed, “Don’t ask, I have no idea.”

 

\--

 

Leia looked on as Amilyn stripped out of her winter gear and slid gracefully into a traditional long white Alderaanian dress. The guest compartment on the streamlined cruiser wasn’t uncomfortable in any form of the word, it was actually very spacious and luxurious, but it had seen very little use the past couple of days.

She looked much better than she had a few days ago when Leia had picked her up from the docking station on the outskirts of Hosnian Prime.

_“Hosnian?! Are you insane? That station is crawling with stormtroopers. You’ll be recognized!”_

_“Oh, doubtful. Everyone’s on the lookout for this defected Imperial Pilot, no one will give me a second glance!”_

_Leia was unconvinced._

_But, of course, as always, Amilyn had been right. The docking station had been overrun with flickering holographic pictures of a bedraggled looking man in an Imperial Fleet uniform, long hair falling free from the goggles atop his head. It was the only image that broke through the noise and chaos of the large station. Leia had spent more time lingering in front of a small projection of the man’s face for longer and with more attention than was strictly necessary. But something about his hollowed eyes and gaunt face struck her and she found she couldn’t look away. That was until a familiar face turned the corner, trademark hair fashionably wrapped away in a silk scarf, smiling and waving; and Leia forgot all about the pilot._

The snowy Alderaan mountains seemed to have done her some good. Done them _both_ some good. And the little excursion had been worth it solely for the shine in Amilyn’s smile when she realized Leia had taken her to see Snow Owls. It being the last days of spring, the flocks had all migrated to the glacial valleys. The combination of Alderaan air, birdwatching and good company revitalized them both.

Truth be told, Leia hadn’t slept well since Gatalenta. Like she had opened the flood gates, anytime she closed her eyes she was tortured with recurring images from horrifying visions. The only times she managed to rest was when exhaustion forced her into collapse. And once they had left Hosnian, and Leia stopped long enough to get a good look at her lover, she sees the same wearied exhaustion reflected back at her. Dark circles and pallid skin had faded now, though not vanishing entirely like they used to. They never did these days.

“Hold on, your braid has come out again.” Leia said, pushing herself off the mattress to tuck red curls back into their knots, meeting Amilyn’s eyes in the full-length mirror. Her hair hadn’t changed since Gatalenta, another sign of how thinly stretched the Alliance was. Though, once she had forced all the fly-aways rightfully into position, did they come springing out of their confines. She sighed in mock exasperation and Amilyn just laughed.

“I guess my hair just won’t be tamed.”

“Yeah, just like the rest of you,” Leia said, with a light loving shove.

“Watch it.” The Gatalentan teased back, as she examined their reflections in the mirror, frowning before digging through her travel bag. She pulled out a familiar set of Osmium halos and clipped them firmly to the top of her crimson head. Leia smiled fondly at seeing the Gatalentan headdress that Amilyn had been forgoing for fear of being recognized. It was so integral to her look, the princess felt a warm fuzzy feeling at seeing it set nestled firmly in its proper position. She turned her smile to Amilyn’s face, expecting a similar reaction, but she was shocked to find her staring hard at the headpiece on the brink of tears.

“Amilyn – are you okay? Something’s obviously been on your mind. Tell me.”

Leia stood in horror, listening to how, mere moments before they had met on Hosnian, Amilyn had learned that her mentor, her main support and ally on her homeworld had been assassinated by the Empire, in broad daylight, on one of the safest planets in the galaxy.

“On Gatalenta?” Leia really struggled to marry such a violent act with the harmonious world she had so recently visited and whose tranquillity she had so recently soaked up and admired. “But surely – I mean, she said so herself. An assassination on a peaceful planet would draw attention, would be frowned upon by the Senate. And a _World Leader_ no less! Surely something’s being done!”

“It would appear the Empire no longer cares about appearances.” Amilyn said darkly, spitting the words out with anger and grief, “They’re getting bolder. Cockier. Obviously not fearing any repercussions from the Senate.”

“So what happened?”

“We’re not sure.” Amilyn said darkly, “I think they must have interrupted a shipment from us and traced it to her. It’s not like it’s common knowledge she was working for the rebellion. - well working for me...”

“Oh god, Amilyn. This is not your fault.” The Gatalentan gave a tiny shake of her head, and Leia knew she must have been trying, unsuccessfully, to tell herself the same thing. “Is there going to be a funeral? Or some sort of ceremony?”

“If there was, I couldn’t go to it.” She shook her head, biting her lip. Leia could see the self-assurance going on behind blue eyes, “But, in a strange way, I don’t think she’d want to be mourned. She would always say that we must always carry on. When something is lost, something is found, that was her mantra.”

Leia gave a cross between a smile and a frown as reached up to cradle the taller girls face and hoped her eyes conveyed her deep sympathy. Just as she’d formulated some sort of response to Amilyn’s weighty words, a 3PO unit, that had been loaned to her by her father, appeared in the open door frame.

“Princess, please forgive the intrusion,” the metallic whirr of moving joints, “But we are entering our final approach to the royal landing pads.”

Pulling her hands from Amilyn’s smooth cheeks, Leia responded “Thank you Threepio. We will be on the bridge by the time we make the landing.”

“Thank you, your highness. I agree it would be terrible form to –“

“Yes, _thank you.”_ The princess said pointedly.

“Oh, I beg your pardon. I am afraid I have been told in the past I do have the tendency to rattle on in a way that is not always exceedingly helpful.

Leia raised her eyebrows as high as she could and gave the golden droid a scrunched smile that was just teetering on the edge of being a grimace. She could feel Amilyn shaking with silent laughter next to her. Getting the message, the droid had clunked out of view.

“Trust dad to lend me _that_ one.” She said, rolling her eyes and gesturing to the doorway. The brief silence following Amilyn’s chuckle

Amilyn, effortlessly reading her like a book, spoke in her most comforting low and dusky voice, “Are you nervous?”

“Would it upset you if I said yes?” Leia asked shyly.

“No, of course not. They’re your parents; of course, this is important to you.”

“I know. It’s not that I think they will react badly. But…” Leia paused to take a breath, “Well, I sort of haven’t told you, but inviting an off-worlder to Founding Day is considered a pretty big step in a relationship.” Leia was afraid Amilyn might be angry that she had withheld this quite vital piece of information when inviting her, but when she finally faced open blue eyes she sees nothing but surprised joy and affection.

“Is it, now?” Amilyn said coyly, wriggling suggestively in Leia’s embrace.

“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m trying to be serious here.”

“I’m _always_ ridiculous. In fact, I would go so far as to say it’s my defining personality trait. And if you can’t handle it, well…tough luck.” Amilyn joked back.

“Oh, I can _handle_ it.” Leia said suggestively, running her hands down the taller girls white-clad side, tugging gently at her belted waist.

“Uh-uh,” Amilyn said gently batting her hands away, “We’ll be at the palace any minute now, do you really want to greet your parents, who, if Founding Day is such a big step, probably already know we’re together, tousled and” Amilyn bit her lip and wiggled her eyebrows, speaking in the low end of her rich voice, “Unkempt.”

Leia pulled a horrified face, “Oh god…”

Amilyn laughed generously, leaning back before pulling Leia out of the room and to the bridge. Upon arrival, however, it was only the queen who came to greet the pair. She brought each of them in for a fierce familiar embrace and, after giving them a quick once over, let them back to the palace without any comment.

It wasn’t until they had conquered the flights of stairs leading to the palace and Amilyn interrupted their pleasant catch-up, Leia chatting animatedly about their days in the mountains, with a gasp.

“Oh, look!” Amilyn exclaimed into the silence, and Leia turned to see her with, _little surprise_ , her head tilted back and eyes skyward. The three followed her wide-eyed gaze to the dusky blanket of the early evening sky. A bright cluster  Leia couldn’t remember having ever seen that before.

“Ahh, the Carosus System.” Breha said, “So sad that it will be soon be gone from the Alderaan night sky.”

“Carosus? Why does that sound familiar?”

“Because I told you about it. Remember, a few years ago, after your Day of Demand.” Upon receiving a blank look, Amilyn snickered and said with affection, “Really, it wouldn’t _kill_ you to listen to me every once in a while.”

Leia feigned indignation, pretending to look affronted, “I _listen_. You just have a lot of bizarre facts, it’s difficult to keep track!”

“You love my bizarre facts.”

“Ha! Well, considering they take up a large portion of any given conversation, I suppose I have no choice but to.” The princess joked.

“Hey!”

Breha cleared her throat and the two broke out of their playful double-act, forgetting they were being watched. Although the Queen hardly looked annoyed, quite the opposite, in fact, she was grinning from ear to ear.

“You should know it from more than that, young lady.” Breha said in a gentle chastise, “The Carosus system was at the core of the ancient Alderaan religion and astrology.”

“That would explain why this one knows about it.” Leia said, nudging at Amilyn, “If it has anything to do with any astrology, Amilyn will know.”

“Will know, or will find out!” Amilyn chimed in.

“Well, I think we will see the final stages of it the night after next. We can see if we can get a viewing organized.”

“That would be _wonderful!”_

“Really? You want to watch?” Leia asked, when Amilyn nodded, “Isn’t that a little…depressing?”

“Those who contemplate the beauty of the universe, even if it based in sadness, will find reserves of strength that endure as long as life lasts.” Amilyn, eyes still skyward, spoke with the serene and dreamy voice that always had the princess gazing up at her in reverence.

Breha grinned, gazing at between Amilyn and Leia before muttering under her breath, “Yes, you’ll do.”

“What?” Leia asked, not really sure if she’d heard her, and not altogether liking the conspiratorial glint in her mother’s eyes.

“Oh, nothing.” The Queen said in a sing-song voice. Her mother’s shameless and cheeky impudence was unnerving to Leia. “Well, I’m sure it will be no trouble to get a telescope set up for the day after tomorrow. I’ll let one of the droids know.” She said with one last press on her shoulders before releasing the Gatalentan. “Now, I’m sure you’ll want to unpack and settle in before dinner.”

“Yes, please.” Leia chimed cheerfully, bending down to pick up their abandoned rucksacks

“Leia, TooVee has lain out your dress for the festival tomorrow in your room – don’t give me that look, we have this argument every year: _Yes_ , you must wear the ceremonial gown. And Amilyn, I’ve asked the droids to prepare the same room you stayed in last time, but,” There was that suspicious glint in her mother’s eyes, “Am I correct to assume you won’t be needing it?”

“What? Of course, she needs – “ Leia broke off, dropping the bags and standing up straight so quickly she saw stars, eyes wide with shock and cheeks burning, “Mom!”

Breha tried her best at looking innocent, but she was grinning too broadly for it to pass, “Don’t look so surprised. Well, if you weren’t going to tell me, I had no other options than to address it head-on.”

“There were other options than my complete…humiliation!” Leia said with perhaps a little more melodrama than was strictly required, but, forgive her, she was shocked.

“I know, but they would have been less fun. Besides, now that you have a sex life, I really feel like we should be able to talk about it openly.”

“Please stop…” Leia said burying her red face in her hands.

“Oh, please. What kind of mother do you think I’d be if I didn’t notice such a big change in my only child.”

Trying to stutter out any response, the Princess looked helplessly at her lover. But, incredibly unhelpfully, the Gatalentan was clearly stifling her amusement at the whole situation.

“Now then, off you go, I’ll see you at dinner.” The Queen said ushering them into the main doors of the palace, still laughing but quickly switching to a more genuine tone, “And, Leia, I really am very happy for you. And you too, Amylin. It’s about time.”

“And, Dad.. does he…?”

“Yes, yes, he knows, and he’s as happy as I am. Although, I’d maybe keep the fact that I said you two could stay in the same room to yourselves. For his sake.” Breha paused for a moment then laughed, “And mine!”

_Mortified. Truly mortified._ The Gatalentan had giggled all the way up to Leia’s bedroom, which did nothing to alleviate the flush in the princess’s face and neck, nor the heat that burned her cheeks.

“I cannot believe that just happened,” Leia finally said as the stepped into the large chamber.

Amilyn, who had only just stopped chuckling, smiled, “Oh, come on. It could have been worse.”

“Worse?! The only thing that could have made it worse would have been if Dad had been there too!”

“See, it could have been worse,” Amilyn repeated, “At least it’s now all out the way. And we can enjoy the next couple of days.”

“True. Although you could have at least pretended not to enjoy my embarrassment quite so much.”

That set Amilyn off on another round of giggles, “Your face _was_ very funny.”

Squinting her eyes playfully, “Maybe I’ll inform the service droids you _will_ be staying in the guest suite. Just to give me some peace.”

“You wouldn’t. You’d miss me too much.”

She looked on as Amilyn made her way about the room, taking in the small trinkets and personalization that hold the story of the room’s inhabitant (Leia remembered doing a similar thing in Amilyn’s cabin on Dantooine). Of course, Amilyn had never been in here.

Long nimble fingers moved fluidly, dutifully tracing the air above each item that had been haphazardly thrown on her bedside table, not quite touching but as if the Gatalentan was feeling their individual auras. Leia laughed at the thought: she probably was.

Amilyn broke out of her trance and looked up quizzically, “What?”

Still chuckling fondly, “Nothing. You’re just adorable.”

“Hmmm.” Amilyn responded, lips twitching into a smile blushing slightly as lithe fingers, still poised in mid-air, dipped down to pick up something from the table.“I – I was wondering where this had gone,” Amilyn muttered. Leia had to step closer to see she was cradling a moss-green crystal, veined with gold, that sat perfectly in the hollow of her palm on a pile of broken chain.

“Oh, the chain broke. On the way back to Coruscant when you were still in the med-bay, after the weapons factory incident. I didn’t have the heart to tell you.”

Amilyn’s finger’s closed around the Rosminium necklace, “I had thought – well. It was only because you used to wear it all the time. And then, that night on Dantooine, when we – I mean I didn’t really think about it then, I _was_ distracted. But I thought, when I left you and Mon in the mess hall, that you hadn’t been wearing it. Or any night after that. Or on Gatalenta. And, well, I just worried that maybe you – I don’t know what I thought.”

The thin timid quiver in her voice was almost indiscernible, but Leia knew her too well for it to miss it. She folded her hands over Amilyn’s closed fist and pulled her to sit on the edge of the bed so they were eye to eye.

“I wore it every day. As I said, it reminded me of you, would make me feel close to you. And I used to press it like a touchstone or hold it like a lifeline, and long for you to be close.” The princess broke their gaze, flustered and embarrassed “And when it broke, I was disproportionately upset. But, it turns out, I didn’t need it anymore, because – well because I _had_ you.”

For the second time that evening, the Gatalentan looked like she might cry, but this time her eyes brimmed with complete adoration

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Leia whispered back, placing a firm but kiss on her lips followed by a short peck on the tip on Amilyn’s nose, “What would I do without you?”

Amilyn smiled with a light laugh, dipping her head unconsciously closer, eyes of crystal cornflower crinkling in a way that made Leia’s heart melt in her chest. (She wished later her mind could have taken a picture of Amilyn, joyful and immaculate, not realizing how fleeting the moment was).

“Oh, I’m sure you’d manage.”

“Well, hopefully, I never have to find out.”

Leia leaned in for another soft, yet deeper kiss. When they pulled apart, panting slightly, Amilyn opened her hands and they both looked at the gift.

“Shall I fix it for you? The necklace I mean.”

And when the Princess nodded, the broken jewellery was tucked safely into the pocket of Amilyn’s dress.

 

\--

 

Amilyn was hugging the wall, swirling the last drops of Tornary in a long-stemmed crystal glass.

It was unchanged; the decorations were, of course, different, but the vast celebration hall was the same. Golden and glimmering, with vaulted ceilings. The famed food tables and glistening dance floor.

And she stood, in almost the same spot, and hugged the wall and looked on at the partygoers, much as she had three years ago.

It all felt very full-circle. _Too full circle,_ she thought. As if something was brewing on the horizon, some imperceptible change that allowed her to return to familiar ground before it threw her for a loop. She felt trapped in some course, and the more she tried to break from it the more she found she couldn’t. She couldn’t pull herself away from where she stood. She couldn’t bring herself to engage anyone in conversation. She couldn’t take her eyes off Leia, who was sat on the raised platform with her parent’s deep in conversation.

Not the brooding, dark and sombre conversations that were some commonplace these days. They seemed joyous, and Amilyn thought how Leia had said she wanted something like that in her future.

She tried not to dream, knowing it was a long, long road from now to then.

“Dance with me?”

Amilyn blinked out of her trance, realizing that the object of her introspection had vanished from the platform and now stood before her.

“Huh? Oh, Leia, I don’t know,” Amilyn said softly, tilting her head and averting her eyes with an uncomfortable breathy laugh, “I don’t know the songs or any of the steps, and it all seems very structured. And I’d feel – What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Leia smiled, “I was just thinking about how wonderful you are.”

“Thank you. Though, I’m sure you know that flattery won’t get you everywhere.”

“It might! Don’t pretend to be easily embarrassed, you can’t fool me. Besides, I’ve asked for a waltz, which is the easiest. A nimble girl like you could learn the steps in no time.” The princess ended with an over-the-top wink, which had Amilyn’s guard down, scoffing at her ridiculousness, long enough for her to be dragged into the centre of the room.

Amilyn quickly learned that there was more freedom for personalization in the traditional dance style than she had initially thought. Not to the extent of the constantly improvised Gatalentan gambolling, but once the basic shape had been mastered, she slipped comfortably into her their own private version of the dance that was being followed all around them. The shorter of the two taking the leading steps led to the occasional blunder and fumble, twirling out of their graceful steps to knock into each other. Their subsequent laughter spilling like water, Amilyn completely entranced by Leia’s bright smile.

And of course, the feeling of having Leia, so confidently swaying and stepping in her arms was reward enough. So much so, that when the jaunty melody transitioned into a gentle slow ballad, she made no move to return to her position on the sidelines. Instead, she pulled the princess even closer and set her mind to figuring out the new sets of steps. Amilyn’s eyes flitted back up to where the royal couple were watching them, and she tensed.

“Stop worrying.” Leia said not having to follow her gaze to know where she was looking and what she was thinking, “They like you. Really like you. They’ve just told me so.”

Amilyn allowed her to misinterpret the reason for her sudden discomfort, making no move to correct her. “Oh?”

“Actually, he wanted to ask you if you’d like to go to the lake with us.” Amilyn raised an inquisitive eyebrow, “Every Founding Day, we go to the lake as a three, through the city. Mum said the midnight processional through the city is the most important part of the festival, staying close to the people. But it’s really beautiful on the bank, I think you’d like it.”

So that is how, after the last song from the band, and after a long walk down the hilly side of Aldera City, Amilyn found herself shedding her strappy shoes to walk barefoot on the rocky surface. Cool breeze that came skating off the lake blew away the lingering humid warmth of the golden ballroom from their rosy cheeks. Gentle swaying and liquor hazed movements were fine-tuned in the natural air. She felt awake and alert.

“It’s wonderful.” Amilyn breathed, looking out over the still mirror-like plane of the vast lake and the shadows of looming mountains on the opposite bank. In small boats, overflowing with starflower blossoms, thousands of glistening lights floated and quivered on the gentle current.

“We’ve been coming to this spot since Leia was a baby,” Breha said to Amilyn, “People from the city push the lights out as part of their celebration, and you get the best view of them from here.”

They stood barefoot on the pebbled bank of the lake, warm water lapping onto their toes before slipping between the stones and being pulled back into the lake. The older couple perched on a large carved bench, opening another bottle of Tornary.

“I’ve always loved it. Something about the lights and how this place makes me feel,” Leia said, “As strange as that may sound.”

“It’s not strange at all,” Amilyn said, eyes still shut, expanding her arms wide over her head with a deep breath. Leia could hear a gravely crunching as the Gatalentan planted herself firmly to the ground, wriggling her toes to burry into the pebbles. “The body resonates at the same frequency as its native planet. Of course, it brings you comfort, being connected to nature like this, it is part of you.”

“I’m not sure that’s it,” Leia responded, glancing at Amilyn, slightly annoyed at how effortlessly she looked sturdy and calm. Shifting her stance, the princess tried to mimic her actions by pushing her own shoeless feet past the top layer of smooth large pebbles into the cold coarse sand beneath. “This _isn’t_ my native planet.”

Amilyn’s eyes opened at that, “ _Truly?_ I mean I knew you were adopted, but I didn’t know…” The young couple looked towards Bail and Breha, who nodded in confirmation, but the Viceroy looked positively uncomfortable at the topic. The Gatalentan hummed thoughtfully, returning her dreamy gaze over the still surface of the water.

“Still, I’m not sure that matters” Amilyn spoke in the low tones of her voice, cracking slightly as they were carried by the cold breeze, “This is your home, whether you were born here or not, it is an essential ingredient to who you are. Maybe frequencies are a learned thing.”

Her eyes opened after a deep breath, re-focusing on the night sky ahead of her. Front and centre in her vision was the blazing light that currently dominated the thick blanket of starts.

It _was_ very bright in the moonless sky.

They stayed on the lakeside until the air became cold enough that is was uncomfortable, then the four made the climb up to the place. Giddy and rosy-cheeked with Tornary and emerald wine, laughing at some absurd thing Amilyn had said, as Leia clung to her side, they didn’t see the golden droid pacing nervously at the main door several flights above. But when they did, their cheerfulness and jubilation left them instantly.

Bail, who had managed to look so carefree throughout the day, seemed to age years in a matter of seconds.

“Threepio? What’s the matter?”

“Oh, your highness! Thank goodness!” The droid was verging on hysteria, “We have had an influx of backed up messages that all came through at midnight. Unfortunately, I did not anticipate that the planets temporary isolation from outside communication would block out alliance messages as well. Which is truly an appalling oversight on my part, and I can only apologize most profusely.”

“Yes, yes but  _what has happened?_ ” The Viceroy said with dignified patience.

“Apparently, sir, the Holy City on Jedha has been destroyed. Although I for one, cannot comprehend how that is possible, and you know how the Imperial Droids we have hijacked can be prone to a quite colourful exaggeration. But that is what I have been told And now there is full engagement on Eadu. At least there was a few hours ago.”

“Kriff, you turn the communications off for one day and all hell breaks loose.” He muttered under his breath, “So what’s happened since then?”

“I am afraid I do not know, sir. I have been out here waiting for you.”

“Oh, heaven help me,” Bail said pinching the bridge of his nose for a brief moment, before transforming before their eyes into his commanding persona, “Right, I’m going back to Yavin IV.”

“We’ll go with you,” Leia said, tugging slightly on Amilyn’s arm that was still looped through hers.

“No.” He said firmly.

“No? You can’t _make_ me stay here! I’m as much a part of –“

“Leia, you’re right I can’t make you stay here.” The Viceroy responded more calmly than he felt, placing a hand on her shoulder, “But I’m asking you to. Just for a little while. I need to go suss out the situation. If the council pushes for dissolving the Alliance, or if we are compromised, we would withdraw to here anyway. It wouldn’t surprise me if I arrived to a full-blown battle. If there is anything you can do, I promise – _I promise_ – I will be in contact.”

Leia swallowed her pride and nodded, and Amilyn knew how big this moment of acceptance and validation from her father meant to the princess.

“Okay.” She chocked out.

Bail pulled her into a tight hug before drawing away, looking at his adopted daughter with love and pride. He went to say good-bye to his wife but found he couldn’t move very far.

“Leia, you have to let go.”

Amilyn looked at her lover, who had gone frightfully pale, and was still gripping her father’s tanned hand. “I – I can’t,” she said, clearly not knowing what possessed her to hold on so tightly.

The Viceroy placed his free hand over hers, prying white knuckled finger open, “You can do anything you set your mind to.” And with one quick kiss on her crown, Bail Organa vanished from sight.

The hours passed slowly. The three women sat in the library, quietly in a horrible limbo, having lost all track of time waiting for a snippet of news. They could hear the wind shaking at some of the older windows in the room. What had been a gloriously bright and warm day had led into a turbulent storm of a night time.

Having abandoned the frivolous ceremonial wear of the evening, Amilyn had opted to return to her traditional Alderaan dress. She’d spent the better part of the last hour curled up on an enormous armchair, nursing a now lukewarm teacup and watching morning light bleed into the pitch black sky.

“Listen, this is a lot to take in so I will be brief,” the blue projection of the viceroy said, as the three women gripped the desks surface in anticipation “I am recording this as I leave Yavin IV, and Breha, I will catch up with you and Amilyn when I arrive back on Alderaan. Thankfully, we are not disarming, but I can tell that this passivity will not last much longer. I’m anticipating great conflict on Scariff and the Alliance will need help.”

Amilyn felt a firm grip on her hand and looked down to see that Leia had slid her palm over to cover Amilyn’s fingers with her own, clinging to them in apprehension.

“Leia” the holograph Bail continued, “I have given the order for a full crew to prepare the _Tantive IV_. I need you to go to Tatooine immediately. You know all the stories I’ve told you of Obi-Wan Kenobi, my Jedi friend. You need to find him, convince him to join our alliance,  bring him to the base. Admiral Raddus will rendezvous with you en-route.” There was a split second where no one dared breathe, soaking up every word that fell from the viceroy’s mouth, “Amilyn, I _know_ this is a big ask. But Mon has asked me to pass on that you are _not_ to go to Scariff, but to wait on Alderaan until further instruction. She will be in touch.”

“What?” Amilyn was the first to speak out, “No, I really think I should go with!” talking to the pre-recorded message did no good. She felt a comforting pressure on her shoulder, calming and reassuring. But when she had turned to face Leia, she found the spot by her side vacant, and a white blur heading for the door. Exchanging a glance with the queen, the two hurried after her.

It was all _too damn_ rushed.

Amilyn had wanted Leia to stop rushing just long enough to hold her close. To spend precious time to talk through the situation, soothe and appease each other's fears, as they always had. But time was not in their favour. And in a rushing bombardment, they found themselves, finally face to face, before the _Tantive IV,_ engines running.

Amilyn’s heart was caught in her chest, eyes scanning every inch of Leia, from her adrenaline flushed cheeks to the dirtied hem of her dress.

“May the force be with you. Always.” Amilyn said, pressing a quick kiss to Leia’s forehead, aware of how Breha was looking on and not wanting to push boundaries. But the princess had other ideas, rolling her eyes at Amilyn’s religious blessing and pushed her feet from the ground and softly grazing her soft lips over Amilyn’s.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Amilyn said as Leia began to disappear from her arms and make her way up the ramp into the _Tantive IV._ Hesitantly, she called out, “Be careful.”

“I’m always careful!” Leia shouted back, giving a last cheery wave to the two.

Amilyn smiled but never was a smile so forced. She knew that wasn’t true.

 

 

\--

 

**1BBY – Cell 2187, The Death Star**

 

The loss was too great. Too extreme and unbelievable and she knew she wasn’t reacting properly. Her limbs felt like lead and her heart seemed to drag on the floor behind her as she walked, leaving an empty cavern in her chest.

Gone. Everyone was gone.

She wouldn’t have had the strength to believe it had she not seen it happen before her eyes.

_How cruel,_ she thought bitterly. It was cruelty beyond what she could have fathomed. To make someone watch the destruction of their home. Their family. Almost everyone she had ever known.

Leia could only pray to the force that Amilyn made it off the planet, there was no way to know for sure.

_Wait…Of course!_

Standing up quickly from her hunched ball on the floor as an idea struck her. Every sinew screamed in protest, the interrogation droid’s handy work still lingered.

Without the aid of the Gatalentan spice, or Amilyn’s soothing instruction, this was likely to prove difficult. But her desperation at any sort of connection was enough.

Searching for her parents. Searching for Amilyn. The cacophonous roar that had pulled her so violently out of her last mediation returned; she knew now, it was the echoes of millions of souls, reaching out in terror before they, and their whole world, were snuffed out. It was unbearable to listen to. She forced herself to bear witness to it as if it was some twisted part of her duty as a princess. But she couldn’t make heads or tails of the chaos and pain and loss. She couldn’t focus on anything, it was too catastrophic. Too enormous for anyone mind to experience.

Every person, every saint, every sinner, every creature of Alderaan suspended for one final moment in her mind. It was draining what little of her energy and spirit remained.

Overwrought and out of her depth, the princess was all too eager to surrender to the blackened edges of her vision, until, exhausted, she fell straight from her meditation into a dreamless sleep. On the brink of unconsciousness, she heard a cloudy echo of a familiar voice.

_Always carry on. Something is lost, something is found._

Then there was nothing. Until a gust of air and footsteps roused her a few scarce hours later.

Looking up through bleary eyes, somehow reaching deep and finding the strength to say, “Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”

 

\--

 

**1BBY – Yavin IV**

 

The journey to Yavin IV had been agonizingly slow. The small ship’s hyperdrive left much to be desired, and the constant need to pull out of the stream tripled the journey time.

_“I’m sorry we can’t give you a faster ship, and the technology is a little, well, dated. But this will get you back to Yavin IV without attracting attention.”_

Amilyn, loath to admit the frantic state she was in, jostled by the journey and anxious in anticipation, breathed deeply calm and steadying breaths. Although it did little to stay her racing heart. She entered her access codes, cursing her shaking hands as she did so, and awaited confirmation and landing instructions. The waiting was the worst. She pushed quivering fingers through her already dishevelled hair, feeling frantic and caged in the small stationary ship and fighting the instinct to escape the confines of the cramped cockpit.

_What is taking so long? This usually takes seconds._

Tension mounted in her shoulders as the prolonged silence left her hanging outside of Yavin IV’s atmosphere. She thought she might be sick, actually craved the relief it would bring. She looked worriedly down at her monitor, double checking that it clearly said that her codes had been received. At yet no response.

Just as she unclenched her straining fingers to re-enter her codes, her communications until sprang to life, and she quickly fumbled to pull the old headset over her ears.

“Captain.” A voice crackled through her headset, the old technology distorting the tone, but Amilyn could have cried at the sound of a familiar voice.

“Mon! What’s going on? I’ve just –“

“Not now. You’re cleared for landing on the abandoned landing pad on the north side. I will meet you there. Don’t speak to anyone until you see me.”

“What? The North pad? Why can’t I - ” But the line had gone dead.

It did nothing to quell the turbulent storm of worry in her chest, and, if anything, the Chandrillan’s dismissal worsened it. Feeling a bit put out, she had nothing to do but follow her orders.

The North Pad was so far out of the way, which was the main reason it had been decommissioned in the first place. The platform was unlit, bar one straining emergency light which spread its low, cool beams over the vastness of the crumbling tarmac. The ground was bowed and cracked as vegetation pushed its way up through the ground, painted lines and arrows were chipped and faded. Amilyn scanned the almost empty area, it was quiet and her eyes could make out nothing but the shapes of the rusting exoskeletons of deserted X-Wings.

Straining her eyes and wishing they would adjust faster, she saw her. Mon stood stiff and unyielding, more so than usual, having abandoned her traditional Chandrillan dress for a more utilitarian flight suit. Amilyn felt silly in her dirtied Alderaanian gown in the disarray of a military base.

“What is with all the cloak and dagger?” She asked, trying to sound lighter than she felt, “What’s going on? I haven’t been able to reach anyone.”

“The senators are all evacuating, those who have chosen to stay. I need you ready to take off in an hour.”

“Really? Has it come to that?” Amilyn had been preparing for this for months, but never really believed it would actually happen.

“You don’t know – no, no. Of course, you don’t.” Mon said as if it was some unspeakable horror.

“Know? Know what? _Why_ are we evacuating? Shouldn’t we go _going_ to Scariff to help!”

“Oh, kriff, Amilyn…Scariff was destroyed just like Jedha. And now, Alderaan – “ She broke off, and Amilyn couldn’t deny how unnerving it was to see the strong woman on the verge of tears.

“Alderaan what? Where was Alderaan hit – Not Aldera and the palace, surely!”

“Everywhere, Amilyn. It was hit everywhere…I’m afraid the rumours of a planet killer are more than rumours now. They call it the _Death Star_ …and I’m afraid it works.”

Paralyzed with shock, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“Amilyn, breathe.” It took all the effort she had, but she drew in a painful breath and the tightness in her chest loosened just enough that she could speak.

“ _Kriff,_ I’ve just come from there.” Her voice surprised her, how her whisper was gravelly and broken with disbelief. The loss was too great to comprehend; how the beautiful palace, snowy mountains, the festival lights, the Snow Owls, the people – _Oh God, the people –_ that were all so real and solid hours before, were now things of the past.  Her eyes began to burn with tears.

She felt a comforting hand on her shoulder, and looked on in surprise to see the usually collected, formidable and resilient woman looking so very fragile.

“And Bail? And Breha? Did they –“

Mon didn’t answer, her eyes shut tight against tears, Bail and Breha had been old friends. All she managed was a small shake of her head and a small noise that escaped her tight-lipped mouth. In the low grey light of the abandoned landing pad, the lines on the woman’s face seemed deeper than ever.

Amilyn wanted to weep and scream at the injustice of it all. Her heart stung in sympathy and raged at the thought of the cold-hearted destruction of an entire planet and all its inhabitants. It was a type of loss the galaxy had never felt before, and it deserved the mourning she ached to give it.

But a more important question had to be asked. She internally braced herself, fortifying her emotional defences in preparation as she reached up to grasp Mon’s hand that gripped her shoulder.

“Leia. Does Leia know?”  Mon hesitated, and that was hesitation was all it took for Amilyn to know, “What?”

“Maybe we should go inside, first. Then I’ll – “

Warning bells were blaring in her head so loudly her ears were ringing. “No, tell me now.” The Gatalentan demanded strongly, stronger than she felt, trying to stand firmly on the swaying ground.

“The _Tantive IV_ was redirected to Scariff with Admiral Raddus, to collect the plans for the Death Star before going to Tatooine, and – “

“So she’s still going Tatooine?  _Please_ tell me she’s made it to Tatooine.” The Gatalentan interrupted in desperation.

“She _did_ make it away from Scariff. But I’m afraid she didn’t make it to Tatooine.” Amilyn looked at her with wide eyes, silently begging for her to tell her what she needed to hear. But, instead, Mon told her the truth, “She was intercepted on her way to Tatooine. By Vader’s ship.”

Amilyn let out a noise, a strange mixture of a strangled wail and desperate whimper.

“They sent a distress signal only for the Empire to release that there were no survivors. And only a few hours ago did we hear from the Senate that Tarkin has gotten approval for Leia’s execution.”

The next moments passed in a blur, like water running through paint, cloudy and each second smearing into the next. Mon managed to get her from the platform to the base until she was sat on the corner of her mattress. Her face felt like stone and her skin ice cold. The Chandrillian stood before her, wavering between wanting to console the distressed Gatalentan and maintaining her commanding presence.

Amilyn wished she would leave her to mourn in peace. She wished there was no duty to fulfil or cause to fight for. It was all so suffocating, so pointlessly tiring, now Leia was gone.

_Leia was gone._

 “I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear right now,” Mon said, abandoning sympathy and resigning to her position as Chancellor, “but, officially, your record shows you died in the destruction of Alderaan. There’s a lot of ways in which that works to our advantage. If you don’t mind, of course.”

She didn’t speak but just shook her head. _It’s not like I have anyone to miss me anymore._

Amilyn could see the Chandrillian physically swallow her emotions _(How can she do that?)_ before nodding and making to exit.

“And Amilyn,” Mon said from the doorway, “I’m sorry if this sounds callous, but, as you are presumed dead, and stealth is of the utmost importance…” She broke off, it felt absurd to ask such a thing in a time of crisis but knew it was for the best. The senator made a sweeping gesture to her hair, and Amilyn seemed to understand, tugging a red curl in her fingers and looking at it. Mon nodded her thanks, “I’ll give you some time. See you in an hour on the ship.”

The panel slid shut behind her, leaving Amilyn detached and flimsy sat on the corner of her bed. Standing seemed strenuous, as she hauled herself to her unsteady feet and stumbled to the shelf on the side of her bed. She opened a decorative box containing a dizzying array of coloured bottles that shot through her blurred vision, and she had to turn away. How could anything look so bright and vibrant when the galaxy should be in mourning? Clumsily, she pulled the only colourless bottle from the box and stepped in the ‘fresher.

The light was clinical and harsh in the chrome chamber, bringing every unflattering detail to the forefront. She scoffed at her sullen reflection. How silly it seemed that so much had happened, and yet in the pane of looking-glass, she looked no different. How silly that familiar skin and bones should remain unchanged when everything underneath was different. Only her eyes, ghostly and shining with grief, showed any hint of the shattering change.

Stripped bare, she stepped into the steady stream of water. It was almost boiling and scalded her skin, but the sharp sting kept her grounded so she made no move to change the temperature. Tremoring hands poured a small amount of the clear fluid onto her hand and massaged it into her scalp, stained suds running down her forearms and dripping in red splotches on the floor before the colour was wiped away in the current of the spray.

It felt right: nothing should be so bright and colourful in a world without Leia.

Her thoughts we incomplete and muddled, not being able to dwell on anything for too long.

_Shock. I’m in Shock,_ was her first rational thought. She wished the shock could last forever. It dulled the senses and lessened the pain. But she could feel its protective shield melting, her vision swimming out of blurry images into clear sharp images. The burn of the water began to hurt. And she could feel that the rising bubble of emotion in her chest about to burst.

Breathing deeply as she was taught for calming meditation, she reflected on how ridiculous it was to be raised on a planet that valued emotional honesty while simultaneously suggesting a calm detachment from loss. In trying to steady her mind she suddenly remembered… _How blind I’ve been to not see this coming._ Carosus. Carosus would be gone from the Alderaan sky, not that Alderaan had a sky for it to be missing from.

A dry guttural sob broke the barrier of her lips, and it was the crack that broke the damn. Frantically pulling at the discarded white fabric, throwing water across the tiled floor, she pulled the necklace from her dress pocket. The broken chain slipped through the eyelet of the crystal pendant and fell to the metal floor with an elongated clatter. The pattering of water stream on the chrome metal floor and walls and the curtain of low-hanging steam created an enclosure of sorts. Clutching the Rosminium fiercely to her chest, she slid down into a quivering crumpled pile. Suds and water stinging her eyes as she gasped hysterically for breath. Uncontrollable screams and sobs cleverly masked by the sound of rushing water and hidden in steam, as the red colour glided over her pale skin and swirled into the drain.

 

 


	11. Willin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> First off, I am SO SORRY! I've been traveling and working again and a large chunk of that was in China where I couldn't get on AO3. But I've just got back and, thankfully, have a pretty decent backlog of stuff I've been working on so it should be pretty quick fire for a bit (thank God).
> 
> Now, just a fair warning, It's a bit harsh on poor Amilyn and there are bits where she may seem a little ooc. But I need her to have a really rough time of it now for the next few parts of this to work. :(  
> Mentioning Crescent Ship is a nod to Bad Liquor Pond’s song ‘The Crescent Ship’ I promise it will be allllll be relevant, just bear with me.
> 
> Song for this is:  
> Willin' - Linda Ronstadt (Which is another stunner of a song, and if you like Stevie Nicks, Linda Ronstadt is in the same sort of world).
> 
> Hope you enjoy and PROMISE not to take fucking forever next time! Xx

 

**0ABY – Yavin IV**

From her position on the raised stage, Leia was in the perfect position for a full scan of the remaining rebellion: A much more productive use of the moment of calm than submitting herself to feelings of grief and loss, in her opinion.

Although she was touched, the moment of silence for Alderaan was too easily stretching her into discomfort. It felt like the first true pause, true breath since she’d watched the destruction of her world and emotions were rising. Emotions she had fiercely subdued and bolted firmly down threatened her strong front, so blinking back the shine in her eyes, she used this moment of stillness to examine the thousands of bodies before her. They’d taken losses, _heavy_ losses. Remembering the overrun and pandemonium of the hangars in the past few years, the princess thought that there scarcely stood enough to fill one cruiser.

She studied each one intently for a split second before casting her gaze to the next. Some looked up to meet her eyes with pity, while others avoided her gaze in discomfort. Not that she could truly hold it against them; how does one approach someone who has lost their home, their family, their _whole world_. Obviously, people had no idea.

Her eyes scanned over Han and Luke, who stood side by side, new medals gleaming. The duo treated her more normally than anyone else, but that was simply down to not knowing her prior to the past couple of days. Not noticing the changes in her demeanor, because they had nothing to compare it to. There was a certain freedom in that, autonomy from the version of herself she knew she must present to everyone else so that they didn’t worry.

Flashing the duo a small smile when they met her gaze, she returned to her scan of the battered scraps of the rebel alliance. If she was being honest, it was less of a scan and more of a search. Sure, she was taking stock of their numbers, calculating their chances, but, if she was being truly honest with herself she was searching for someone. The one person who she longed to see the most, the one person who had the ability to ease away the horror of the last few days.

But she was nowhere to be seen. Nowhere, amongst the small sea of dust-marked white, brown, beige uniforms was a tell-tale vibrantly colored curl or flash of signature jewelry. Leia deflated slightly, shoulders drooping out of their proud princess default. The hope she had held out, against all reason, for the Gatalentan’s survival was dissipating quickly.

Maybe she had been fooling herself for too long, but she was holding desperately to the assumption that just because Amilyn hadn’t been to see her, that didn’t mean anything. If she was being brutally honest, she had expected Amilyn to be waiting anxiously for her to escape the Death star with open arms and loving sympathy.  And with every second that ticked by afterward her expectations of catching crystal-blue eyes through a crowd, or having low and dreamy words ease her mind, dissipated.

She was grateful when Ematt broke the silence, “Thank you. Our hearts are with the lost, and their survivors.”

All eyes turned to Leia, and, as many a pitying gaze seemed to sear her skin and she resisted the urge to squirm in discomfort, she wished Ematt had said anything other than that. She nodded her appreciation but said nothing.

Ematt quickly covered for her, directing everyone towards the extraordinarily substantial amounts of alcohol that was made up from donations from many a personal stash; everyone was eager to contribute to the festivities in the aftermath of their victory. Long boards sat on stacked ammo crates that someone had taken the time to decorate, albeit in a slapdash and rough manner. But the gentle touch was, as was this whole ceremony, a small beacon of light in war-torn times. 

Ambling aimlessly behind the mass, she heard a voice that was quickly growing to be familiar, “Leia!”

She turned to see Luke almost skipping towards her, Han in tow.

“Nice little ceremony you got going here, princess,” Han said, pretending not to be even a little proud of the glimmering medal around his neck. Luke, on the other hand, kept shamelessly glancing down to his and smiling. That was until his eyes caught the princess’s, and his grin collapsed slightly.

“Hey, are you alright?” He asked

“Of course,” She said, almost offended than anyone could believe the opposite but more likely worried that her façade was cracking enough for this boy, who was almost a complete stranger, to see through it.

“Well, if you don’t have too many chores to do, Luke and I were gonna take full advantage of that drinks table over there, if you fancy joining,” Han said, sauntering past her in the direction of the makeshift tables before turning back to give her a questioning look.

Leia couldn’t help but laugh a little at the ridiculous picture he made, but the need for some breathing space and time to reapply her staple strong persona won over.

“Maybe in a bit. I’ve got a few more ‘chores’ to go sort out,” she said, aiming for lightness in her tone to counteract Luke’s concern, but failed miserably.

“Suit yourself,” Han shrugged.

Luke looked slightly more put out, giving her a small frown and wave, “See you in a bit, yeah?”

Leia nodded, watching them melt into the crowd and suddenly felt very lonely. She never remembered socializing being this difficult. Withdrawing from the commotion, this new inaptitude was an impenetrable forcefield, a thick pane of glass between her and reality. The princess was too lost in her own mind, her experiences too raw and real to put aside even for a few moments of jubilation. The disappointment of not seeing Amilyn hadn’t helped, the question of where she was taking up too much of her focus, she hadn’t any to spare for mingling and small talk.

Opting instead to take advantage of the fact that everyone was outside, she roamed aimlessly through empty halls, peering apathetically into darkened rooms until she eventually arrived at the main control center. Sat at the command table, a lone figure raised their dimly lit head. Leia stepped forward in earnest, seeing the silhouette someone she had assumed dead.

“Raddus?” She whispered into the empty cavern.

At the noise, the Mon Calamari figure jerked up and shook his head, Leia realizing her mistake instantly. Instead of cool green skin, she was met with two eyes blinking from a fiery red face.

“Oh, Vice-Admiral Ackbar. My apologies. I thought for a moment I’d seen a ghost.” She trailed off, embarrassed by her misidentification.

Ackbar laughed solemnly in the dim light, “No, princess. No apologies here. And, its Admiral now that…well.”

“Of course it is,” Leia said, wanting to reach out in comfort, but refrained not having spoken to the Admiral about anything more than rebellion matters, “Didn’t feel like joining in the party either, huh?”

Ackbar blinked again, turning his head, and, although before now she had never considered them friends, the familiarity in his gruff and measured tone was oddly comforting to her, “On Mon Calla we address our loss in solitude.”

“Oh, excuse me, I’ll – “

Again, Ackbar waved her off, “Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve spent enough time moping.” Ackbar gestured to one of the empty seats around the enormous table, the empty seat she knew used to be her father’s position. Leia eyed the worn leather chair, wary of the implications but not willing to refuse an offer of comfort. Gingerly, she sat before extending a comforting arm to the Mon Calamari, smiling gently and simply sitting in silence. A ghostly shiver ran up her spine, and she felt unbelievably small, sat in her father’s position, his enormous legacy looming. A little bit of the fear she was so desperately squashing down forced its way out. 

“So what happens now?” She said in such a small voice that she would have been embarrassed if Ackbar hadn’t looked up at her with the same feeling reflected in his usually cool expression.

“Dodonna is going to evacuate the base within the next few days. Scatter our forces and keep the rebellion decentralized long enough for the dust to settle.”

Leia nodded, it made sense.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” She asked, craving a purpose.

“I’m sure there will be,” Ackbar said, comfortingly.

“Don’t give her false hope Ackbar.” A voice spoke from a far backbench on the viewing gallery. A husky, angry voice Leia instantly recognized as Dodonna’s even though she couldn’t make out his features in the dim, dust-filled light.

The General stepped out the shadows. He took a moment to publicly take stock of Leia sat in her father’s seat and glowered with disdain.  Leia thought that if she had just a little more energy to care she’d have wiped that disapproving scowl from his face, but, thinking better of it, settled for glaring fiercely back.

“Why?” She challenged, “Have I not proved myself an asset?”

“Dodanna, be reasonable,” the Mon Calamari croaked in her support, “She is beyond capable of – “

“It’s not about capability, Ackbar, it’s about risk factor.”

“Bullshit.” Leia spat back.

“The Empire has just announced a 10 million credit bounty for your head, and they don’t care whether it’s attached to your shoulders or not,” Dodonna responded, “We have plenty of strategists working on the evacuation and _appointed_ leadership in command to support our new government structure. You know, people who have earned their title through merit.” Leia bristled fiercely at the scarcely concealed insult, refraining from lashing out.

“Now, that’s unnecessary!” Ackbar rose to her defense, but Dodonna only had eyes for Leia, holding her gaze with mocking distaste.

 _At least the feelings mutual,_ she thought. _Two can play at this game._

“Well, General, I can’t deny I’m surprised that _you’re_ running the new leadership plan, considering governing requires no small amount of tact. Where’s Mon Mothma? Shouldn’t she be in charge?”

Avoiding the question, Dodonna growled, “I am running the evacuation and reform. And I will not have the whole operation threatened by involving someone as reckless and high profile as you.”

“But- “

“No. The risk is too great. And it’s not as if there are any leisurely mercenary missions to keep you occupied. You’ve expended your usefulness, and all I can recommend is you sit tight until the hunt for Alderaanians has passed.” Turning on foot, and leaving the fallout of his harsh words in his path, Dodonna made his exit.

She felt childish, all of her recent experience demeaned as she sat in her father’s position at the command table. Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment and rage.

“Don’t listen to him, princess,” Ackbar consoled, “He’s wrong about you everyone knows it. You’ve got more strength and intelligence in your left hand than he has in his entire body. Your time will come.”

“I – “ Leia stopped, suddenly remembering something Dodonna had said, “Wait, what did he say about the hunt for Alderaanians?”  
“That you should wait until it’s over? I do have to say, there is some wisdom in that, I mean –“

“No, no. I mean, whose hunting them? The Empire?”

The Admiral shrugged, “I assume so. Probably set out to finish what they’ve started and wipe them – you – out.”

The wheels in Leia’s brain began turning, “What if we find them first?”

“Well,” Ackbar smiled, “You might have just found yourself a mission.”

Rejuvenated with purpose, she embraced the Admiral and had to refrain herself from running to the main control hall, slipping inconspicuously back through the party into a different area of the complex. It was deserted, the whole rebellion was in the courtyards behind her, taking one brief moment to celebrate. She moved easily through the dark space on muscle memory, her hands skimmed along the tops of worn chairs, not worrying about the growing residue of dust and grime that dulled her fingertips, until stopping before a familiar position. A small display at the base of a larger one read _Captain Amilyn Holdo._

Leia took a minute to consider the name, absentmindedly tapping the glass above her name and softly muttering to the vacant room, “Oh Ami…where are you?”

Upon receiving no answer (not that she expected one from a vacant room) she inhaled deeply before spinning the chair on its axis and taking a seat. The clacking of keys echoed through the isolated cavern, blue-green light spilling into the dark space from the activated screen. After quickly entering her clearance codes she scrolled aimlessly through an endless catalogue of members of the rebellion.

“It would be easiest to start within the rebellion itself,” Leia muttered to herself, setting up a scan for natives of Alderaan. She didn’t realize she had been holding her breath until it released in an exuberant exaltation.

There were names. and quite a few more names than she had expected.  Selecting the first profile, she skimmed through the information, the feeling of loneliness fading slightly at knowing there were others.

 

_Evaan Verlaine – Pilot_

_Alderaan_

_Status: Active_

_Location: Yavin IV_

 

Well, that was, at least, good news; she’d be able to start somewhere. Spurred on in purpose, Leia began swiping through the personal file of every recruit from Alderaan, listing them onto a separate datapad. The work should have been tedious, the type of mundane information sifting she’d always found dull, but she felt charged with every survivor that flashed across the screen. That was until she went one frame too far on the list, and she suddenly felt someone had punched her in the gut.

Face to face with a serious but kind expression, a familiar sting pulled from behind her eyes.

 

_Bail Organa – Councillor/Senator_

_Alderaan_

_Status: Deceased – Destruction of Alderaan_

_Location: N/A_

 

The last line of text flashed red, and with each reappearance, her heart ached a little more. She quickly cleared the search and the painful picture disappeared. Tearing her eyes away, they strained as she tried to adjust from the bright screen to the shadowy room.

Self-preservation.

Leia was increasingly aware that she had used that justification far too often recently. But the galaxy had been brutal, and she felt ill-equipped to face the pain of so much loss. In the past, she’d have claimed her arsenal of strength and perseverance endless. She could clearly see the naivete of that, now that every day was a struggle to overcome despair and she was quickly realizing that the well only ran so deep.

So She picked her battles, choosing avoidance more often than she’d care to admit. Claiming that it wasn’t cowardice, but self-preservation.

Setting her shoulders, she returned to the emptied search, thinking back to her argument with Dodonna she started a new profile search.

 

_Mon Mothma – Councillor_

_Chandrilla_

_Status: Active_

_Location: Classified_

 

She stared at the picture of the Chandrillan, stern and unyielding. Leia knew she had evacuated, Mon had told her that was a possibility. But she was hoping her clearance codes would have given her access to Mon’s location. Apparently not.

Frustrated, not feeling satisfied with the results of her search, and searching for something to ease the turmoil of that past few hours, she haphazardly entered another name.

A heartbreakingly familiar face replaced Mon’s on the screen. The photo was tinted blue with the display, but it was unmistakable. Leia’s eyes scanned the flickering image, drinking in the face she thought she knew so well. But now she was gazing at its pixilated reflection she found herself drawn to minuscule features, allowing them to soak up her full attention. Like the bend in her upper lip as she smiled, the flyaway frizzing strands of colored hair that broke out of otherwise perfect colors, and just how deep the crinkles around her eyes were when she smiled.

She buried herself deeply in every tiny detail in its entirety, as if taking in every etch would distract her long enough to ignore the pulsating red that flashed in her periphery. The surge in her chest deflated as quickly as it had risen, as she finally registered the words:

 

_Amilyn Holdo – Captain_

_Gatalenta_

_Status: Deceased – Destruction of Alderaan_

_Location: N/A_

 

Swallowing thickly, Leia closed her eyes in defense against it, against her heartbreaking yet again. Slowly she remembered how to breathe, and, for what felt like the thousandth time today, exhaled with such a purpose it was as if she was pushing the grief from her chest with her breath. Stars, she had cried more in that past few days than she had in her entire life. So much so that her eyes felt tense and strained, as if they were constantly gearing up for a major meltdown.

She was getting good at this, she thought. Too good. Good at this forcing down grief, rationalizing that it was the only way she would be able to keep moving forward. But with every hit of grief or pain, she deprived herself more and more of succumbing to emotions and she became more and more hollow. Staring now at Amilyn’s picture, cast in flashing red, she felt like a husk, a fraction of who she used to be.

And, as one tends to in these types of situation, Leia had taken to coming up with vague excuses that would make mourning easier.

Her going one with Amilyn was that maybe it was better Amilyn hadn’t lived to see the emotionless drone Leia felt she was becoming. Amilyn, who had been so passionate and whose emotions were consistently tangible, would have been broken-hearted to see Leia cutting herself off.

_“What would I do without you?”_

_“Oh, I’m sure you’d manage.”_

“Maybe,” her cracked voice fell flat in the darkness, “But not very well.”

\--

**0ABY – Gatalenta**

Following the core trade route in its entirety had taken over a week, although it had felt like longer.

The days passed slowly in a seemingly endless stream of emptiness, filled only with lingering moments of memory and misery. They spoke little and slept even less, the Chandrillan and Gatalentan mourning in their own way. So by the time they finally approached Gatalenta, Amilyn felt utterly and completely numb.

They’d had no updates, but of course, they weren’t expecting any _. Six-month isolation._ When Mon had been briefing her upon leaving Yavin IV, she hadn’t really been listening and the words hadn’t truly sunken in. Naively, she had assumed that what they were setting up had been an extreme precaution, not likely to be executed, and yet. Six months with no contact. No messages, no holo communication – pre-recorded or live.

 _Not that I have anyone to contact,_ she thought bitterly.

Following the off-the-grid path Flourin had laid out, they abandoned the ship in the desert and hiked by night from the blustering pink sandstone into the Gatalentan mountains. The slog was long and hard, lasting days under the heat of multiple suns, but Amilyn welcomed the physical challenge as a much-needed distraction. With each struggling steep step and the more her breath seemed to trip and gasp away from her, the better she felt. Her limbs felt blissfully heavy, each ache and pain keeping her grounded. So much so, that by the time they’d arrived at the edge of her property, the crisp mountain air had almost managed to clear her mind.

Almost. But the sight of the remains of a campfire and a night spent under the stars still lay mostly undisturbed near the front of the house. Out of breath and warped by the wind, she managed to pass off the strangled sob that escaped her throat as another gasp for air in the altitude.

Squaring her shoulders, she led the equally winded Chandrillan into the house, activating the droid by the door as she passed. They stepped softly through the house, leaving no evidence behind them. Amilyn was grateful that Mon was exhausted and didn’t have the energy to get a good look at the shell of her childhood home. Following the familiar path in the dark on muscle memory, she traced the peeling painted constellations until she found the familiar raised bumps that she knew Carosus System.

How ironic.

She’d chosen that part on the map to hide the entrance to the bunker because of the memory of stargazing.

Now it reminded her of death. Of Alderaan. Of all that had been lost. It was a symbol of everything that had gone wrong in her life, and she hated it. But instead of raising her blaster to blow the offending cluster off the wall like she so desperately wanted to, she gently tapped a data chip to the painting.

The sound of a seal breaking and a gust of chilly juniper-scented wind overtook her senses and the bunker sprung to life with a whir. Stepping down over the threshold, she felt an encouraging squeeze on her shoulder.

“Well done,” Mon said, breaking the silence and giving her a small smile. It was strained, and did not reach the older woman’s eyes in the warm and comforting way she usually smiled, but it was the first smile Amilyn had seen since leaving Yavin. “I’m going to go settle in, and see if there’s any news.”

“I thought we were to be completely isolated?” Amilyn said, brows furrowed in confusion.

“We are. But Dodonna was going to send me one update once he’d settled on a plan.”

“I don’t know why you had to leave _him_ in charge. What about Raddus?”

“Raddus is dead. Killed on Scariff.”

Amilyn couldn’t help but sigh, briefly remembering his faith in her on Jedah, before nodding solemnly and whispering a small, “Oh.”

Mothma tried to force a comforting smile, but it wasn’t as genuine as the one that had passed her face moments before and it showed, “It’s this way, isn’t it?” She asked gesturing down one of the three halls that joined to make the central room.

Amilyn knew that Mothma had memorized the ground plan, but humored her any with a nod and said, "First on your left.”

Once the Chandrillan hat retreated to the confines of her chamber, Amilyn spent the time counting out rations, taking stock of their arsenal and smuggling a few creature comforts from the main house into the bunker. Finally, as the tasks began to dwindle, she braved the outside. Brushing the fire-pit ash from the tiled area of the rock garden into the grass and clearing up the metal cups, bottles of gin and shattered glass from the spice pipe that they had left behind.

It felt like years ago, like another lifetime. But it had scarcely been more than a month.

She gazed longingly at the small stone altar that marked the meditation spot. The flaming tangerine sky, that had once been a source of great comfort, made her feel trapped and itchy, and she desperately craved the peace she knew meditation could bring to her turmoil. The last time she had walked this ground she had been so touched by the spirituality of her native planet and so at peace; the hollow space in her chest craved that fulfillment. So, gently abandoning her armfuls of collection, she walked over to the familiar spot with trepidation, lowing herself cautiously to the ground and crossing her legs. The abnormally bland black utility suit she was wearing could hardly be considered comfortable meditation clothing. It was filthy, caked in mud and dust from the hike and in some areas, she could have sworn it had melded to her skin with sweat; so it took her a few minutes to get comfortable on the cooling stone.

Finally settled and still, eyes shut, she could hear the brush of tall grass and wildflowers in the wind. As it usually was on Gatalenta, the temperature was perfect, warm with a cool breeze and the trees creaked gently around her creating great pillars of shadow and light on the soft ground.

Breathing deeply, she went through the process of opening each gateway in the mind and body, hoping desperately that the relentless and unforgiving world around her would fade effortlessly away and she could bask in an easy tranquillity. Alas it was not that simple. Whenever she tried to open herself up to the venerability and honesty of mediation, she couldn’t bear the newfound pain that came with it. She found herself naturally shying away from exposure to the onslaught and she stayed firmly planted in the physical world around her.

Amilyn would have wept with frustration if she had any tears left to spare. How she wanted the cool white stone to swallow her whole and bring her world to halt, if only for a moment. To see and feel nothing but endless milky crystal. Or that she could clear her mind effortlessly, free from all the emotional minefield that lay waiting, threatening to tear her apart.

“Come on, Holdo,” she whispered to herself.

Meditation had always been something that had come naturally to her, and even for a Gatalentan, she had been considered somewhat of a prodigy. So with each unsuccessful attempt, she became more and more disheartened, until eventually, she abandoned her position in depressed defeat. She had never felt farther from being herself. From the hair to the clothes to just how out of touch she was.

When she finally made her way into the house, a bag of what she had gathered slung over her shoulder, Mon was sat at the data core table, staring blankly into space. In comparison to the blazing sky, the safehouse seemed unbearable small, the old tunnel walls cold to the touch and the smell of juniper was mixed with dirt and dust. It was dimly lit, but the Gatalentan didn’t need to see to know the woman in front of her was restless and angry.

“You okay,” Amilyn asked softly not to startle her.

Mon met her eyes over her shoulder before returning them to her dead stare into the blackness of the adjourning corridor. “I got a message from Dodonna,” She said, tonelessly, “I’ve got to stay here for a year now, not just six months. No contact.”

“A year? A Gatalentan year?” she repeated, Amilyn couldn’t help the surprise seep into her tone. Not that it was overly exuberant; she didn’t have the energy for her usual colorful inflection, and her natural monotone sounded strangely dreary and grim. “That seems a tad excessive.”

“Hmmm,” Mon hummed, clearly speaking was just as exhausting for her as it was for Amilyn, “Yes, I suppose. But with – “ Her voice caught, and Amilyn watched as the woman stuttered past pain, “But with Bail and Breha gone, the deal was…well, _I_ am lined up to be the head of whatever government we hope to restore.”

The Chandrillan broke off, pursing her lips into a tight line and shaking her head. “I can’t even defend myself or argue against it, now the communications have been shut down.”

Amilyn nodded. She should be daunted and anxious at the prospect of being locked underground for a year, but she wasn’t. Wordlessly, Amilyn pulled up two metal stools and pulled a bottle of Gatalentan Gin and two metal mugs from her bag. After pouring two generous portions and sliding one across the metal surface to Mothma, she took a seat on a stool beside her.

Resting both her elbows on the counter, her curls tumbled over her shoulders as she hunched over her drink.

 _Blonde,_ she thought with distaste, quickly scooping up her natural hair into a messy knot, _I’ll never get used to seeing it blonde again._ Frustrated, she quickly gulped down the contents of her cup, relishing in the botanical burn that trailed down her throat. She instantly felt a bit better, lightheaded and floaty. In some twisted way, it was like an artificial meditation, as all her troubling thoughts faded slightly and became less accessible, no longer blaring in her mind's eye, like someone had covered them with a thin veil to mask their sharpness. It wasn’t the real relief and tranquillity that mediation brought, but it was something.

_Beggars can’t be choosers._

Misinterpreting her emotional turmoil, Mothma reached out a comforting hand and said, “You don’t need to stay with me for the full extent if you don’t want to.”

Amilyn carelessly refilled her cup, “I don’t mind, honestly. I mean, what else am I going to do?

The question was rhetorical, but Mon shrugged and responded, “What were you going to do? Once this was all over?”

After a decent pause, Amilyn said with longing, “Travel. It sounds silly now, I know. But I wanted to see the galaxy for what it is without war. Spend time with different cultures.”

“Really…” Mon said with affection, “And here I was stupidly thinking you were going to pursue a career in politics.”

“Ha!” Amilyn said, in a genuine bark of laughter, “I’m almost positive I don’t have the right temperament for that! Too free-spirited to be making up rules that I’m not likely to obey myself.”

“I’d argue that you do in fact have a very good head for politics, Amilyn,” Mon said honestly, “But if you want to travel, why not leave and do it? You can stop if you want. I’m not going to force you to stay in the rebellion if you need some time. You’re dead as far as both the rebellion and the Empire are concerned, you could easily fly under the radar. And do as you please.”

It was a tempting offer, to be free from death and destruction, from fighting and loosing. She felt tired and hollow, her resources completely depleted and she had no way of refilling them. It would be so easy, except for the fact that her conscious tugged at her quite forcefully; it didn’t feel right. She’d been so committed.

“I don’t know if I’m in the right place for wandering aimlessly” Amilyn deflected, before continuing seriously, “Besides, I don’t want to stop. I joined the rebellion for Leia, I can at least stay in it for her. It’s about all I _can_ do for her. ” Taking another hearty mouthful, she muttered bitterly, “I just don’t know how helpful I can be.”

“I did actually have an idea about that…”

Amilyn coked an eyebrow in response.

“Have you ever considered Special Intelligence?” There was a hefty pause, and, upon receiving a slightly confused look from the younger woman, Mon continued, “It actually came to me when we were on our way here, at how easily you passed through every checkpoint and inspection,”

“Yeah, but only because everyone thinks I’m dead,” Amilyn said with no small amount of skepticism.

“Exactly,” Mon said, “Convenient, wouldn’t you agree? For getting into places you’re not meant to be. It would be much easier for you than anyone else to get in and out classified areas, make yourself privy to classified information, no one is going to suspect you’re you because you can’t be if that makes any sense.” Mon said suggestively, leaving the suggestion hanging in the air.

“What? You mean like espionage?” Amilyn asked, putting the pieces together.

“That’s precisely what I’m thinking. I have a Special Intelligence Unit. But it could be our way of combating the Imperial Security Bureau. I’m sure you must have at least heard of them during your time at the apprentice Legislature?”

Amilyn nodded, completely aware of the Empire’s secret service and special operations, although it felt flourishing to call them anything other than just highly trained assassins.

“Your cover would be safe - the rebellion doesn’t know who any of their spies are. Only Bail and I had access to that information. But I could contact you and you can keep me informed while filling missions for the rebellion.” Mon said, sounding excited by the loophole she’d discovered for their situation.

A heavy pause passed between them, the ex-Captain soaking up the offer while Mon became more emphatic, standing to pace as she got more enthused.

“I mean, we’d have to keep you far away from any big engagements to avoid suspicion. You’ve certainly got the orienteering and survival abilities beyond most professional recon scouts I know, as well as piloting skills and political tact. As far as combat training, I could send you Chief Pagine for a few weeks to sort you out. She did a decent job with a lot of the others.”

Amilyn nodded again, aware of how carried away Mon was getting with this idea but she couldn’t deny that it did seem to be the perfect fit. And a few weeks on Chandrilla with Chief Pagine would be hard work, but she was desperate for a familiar face.

“Of course you would have to agree to stay completely anonymous,” Mon said more gravely.

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean it’s a difficult position to pull out of. And in order for you to be of any use, you have to be fully committed, which means full immersion. No contact, even to people inside the rebellion. You will only receive missions and be able to respond with results. I’m afraid I’d have to ask you to swear to not break that lifestyle.”

“That’s fine,” Amilyn said, very blasé, “I don’t have anyone to contact.”

“Take some time, think about it,” Mon said, placing an encouraging firm hand on the Gatalentatn’s shoulder. Amilyn had come to be familiar with the small but sensitive gestures of affection from the usually unyielding woman.

Shaking her head, Amilyn looked up, “I don’t need to. I’ll do it.”

The older woman sighed, throwing Amilyn a piercing look, she spoke solemnly. The lines on her face deepened against her exhausted pale pallor, and the Gatalentan’s heart surged with affection for the woman who had grown to be somewhat of a mentor to her.

“Amilyn, I’m serious. I’m not sure you’re in the right frame of mind to be making a decision like this. Please, just take at least tonight to think it over – I mean _really_ think it over.” Mon tightened her hold on the Gatalentans shoulders, before downing the remains of her gin and pushing herself up to standing. Amilyn watched her stumble and limp slowly back to her quarters, feeling herself on the brink of an unbelievably easy life-altering decision. She could be an invaluable asset just by sacrificing her old life. An old life that no one was around to be a part of. She was hardly sacrificing any connections.

Leia, brilliant, perfect, wonderful Leia, was gone. The person she had decided years ago was going to be the only person she could ever really love had disappeared from her arms. The person who had influenced her every thought and action for the greater part of three years had suddenly been ripped from her life. In some ways, it would have been less painful if she had never known the true bliss that came with being loved by Leia so she wouldn’t have to know what it felt like to have it yanked away. And now there was a gaping hole in heart that no one or nothing could ever hope to fill.

Flourin, who would have been Amilyn’s first port of call in a crisis, had been assassinated. At least continuing in the cause would mean her sacrifice for Amilyn’s plans wouldn’t be in vain.

Raddus, who hadn’t necessarily been a friend, but had trusted her instincts and supported her plans, was gone.

Mon was going to be hiding under a mountain in isolation for a year.

Even Zal was gone, killed on Scariff. Not that they had spoken since their brief entanglement on Dantooine, but it was another loss nonetheless.

D’Arcy, maybe. Not that they had ever been that close, she considered her a friend, but it wasn’t enough to keep her tied down.

Hell, she didn’t even have any possessions left. Everything had been abandoned, untouched and unmoved to corroborate her faked death, silently collecting dust in a sealed room on Yavin IV.

 _If it hasn’t been cleared out already,_ Amilyn thought darkly, remembering her own shock at how quickly rooms were turned over, hangar space filled and the fallen replaced. That bitter thought filled her mind fully, darkening her outlook in a way a bitter thought had never ruled the Gatalentan before. That sort of extreme change was something she had imagined was only achievable over a gradient; slowly developed. It was more of a tangible feeling than she had expected, being able to feel the tectonic plates of her persona shift so dramatically. And after weeks of numbness, feeling anything was enough to spur her on.

And, in case it hadn’t been, she thought briefly of the charred ashes she had swept off the porch today, pieces of her past life blowing away with the wind or soaking into the soil.

“Wait,” she called out at Mon’s retreating figure. Making fierce eye contact, and speaking solemnly to solidify her conviction, “There’s nothing to think about. I’ll do it.”

 

\--

 

**0ABY – Yavin IV**

The search was slow. Agonizingly slow. And agonizingly disheartening. Fewer Alderaanian people had survived than she had hoped, and even less were eager to risk their narrowly salvaged lives fighting for the rebellion.

Her arrival back on a deserted base was grim and she instantly regretted coming back here. She hadn’t exactly planned on it, but lately, her dreams had been tinted with the smell of juniper and incense, and Amilyn had danced effortlessly along the edge of her every waking thought. Mostly because the evacuation of Yavin was almost complete and Leia grew increasingly tormented by thoughts of her room, sealed and untouched like a tomb. She couldn’t quite bear the thought of abandoning all she had left of Amilyn to be taken over by nature with the rest of the base, so had veered slightly off course.

“Hey, what are you doing back here?” a familiar voice said from behind her. Jumping slightly, she turned to see Han and Luke and breathed a sigh of relief. Han sauntering behind Luke, who bounded towards her with such enthusiasm it was if he had springs in his feet.

 **“** Hello to you too. I just had something I needed to do before Yavin was abandoned completely…” she trailed off and the pair looked at her expectantly, but she felt no need to elaborate.

“This is actually great that you’re here. We were going to send you a message, but this is much better-“

“What?”

“We were thinking…Well, Luke was thinking – I mean…” the smuggler spluttered, and Leia couldn’t help but endear herself to his rare moment of vulnerability.

“What Han is trying to ask if he can manage to swallow his pride for half a minute, is maybe you’d like to tack on with us?”

“Huh?” She said, completely taken aback.

“You know, since there’s not going to be the main base for a while, and we’re all just going mission to mission, maybe we could go mission to mission together,” Luke said, and she was grateful for how easy he made it sound. As if all the lonely wandering in search of her people recently didn’t have to be as lonely as she was making it. Leia’s heart surged with warmth and an inkling of a feeling of belonging, something she had thought she’d lost forever.

Smiling, she nodded, “I’d love to, thank you.”

Luke beamed, engulfing her in a tight hug, which she easily reciprocated.

“That’s great news!” he exclaimed, and even Han couldn’t keep himself from smiling.

“Nice to have you onboard, your worship,” he said, slinging his arm over her shoulders and giving an affectionate squeeze. She put it down to the lack of human contact she’d had recently, but the action made her feel warm and fuzzy. “Now, we leave in a couple of hours. Think you can pack your royal wardrobe in time?” He teased.

“Sounds good, flyboy.” She said, winking friendlily at the two, before the smile slipped from her face, “There’s just something I need to do before we go.”

“No problem,” Luke responded, “I’ll make sure Han doesn’t leave without you.”

“Hey,” the Corellian said, holding his hands up, “It’s not me you’ve got to worry about.” He cocked his head over to the Millennium Falcon where Chewie was grumbling grumpily from where he was trying to make some repairs to the underside of the ship. That was until a large spark took him by surprise, and with a few choice Wookie swear words, he angrily ripped

“Actually,” Han continued, “Take your time. Pardon me,” He said with a fake charming smile before turning back to the Falcon and speaking to Chewie, “Hey! What’s the big idea?”

Luke and Leia shared a knowing look of amusement, “I’m going to go deal with…well, that. S you in a bit!” Luke said, before following Han.

 Alone again, Leia smiled before turning to face the task ahead. Grabbing an empty ammo crate on her way, she followed the familiar path through the winding halls until she arrived at a familiar door. She entered a code that was not her own and the panel opened with a rush of air, like a seal that had been broken.

No one had touched Captain Holdo’s quarters under the princess’s explicit instruction and, although she was protecting all Amilyn’s worldly possessions from being incinerated, she hadn’t been in a place to face them. But she couldn’t let the base be completely abandoned never having witnessed what the Gatalentan left behind. And, with her newfound partnerships with Han and Luke, boxing the past seemed a more approachable task.

Bracing herself, she switched on the light and started packing.

 

\--

 

**1ABY  – Unnamed Underground Trade Moon in the Outer Rim**

The neon signs flickered and fizzed from all angles, casting a wash of multicolored light over Amilyn’s face that otherwise would have melted into the shadows of an alley where she was peering through a filthy slot of a window in the Red Light District of a scummy trade world. She crinkled her nose in distaste as a particularly foul stench rose above the usual steaming reek of metropolis. The steps of passers-by were marked by light splats and splashes in the layer of acidic rainwater mixed with grime and soot that had mixed to make a grey sludge that thinly coated every surface, enhancing the oppressive gloom. This was clearly not the type of place one wanted to linger long, as people passed swiftly, heads bowed and covered, and she had to strain over the sound of their steps to make out the muffled voices from inside the grotto.

“And you’re sure this prototype is worth this much?”

“Once you get the model back to the Imperial weapons department, you’ll know it is well worth the price you are paying.”

Amilyn sighed in resignation. The deal was going through, and that meant she would have to go through with this mission.

She looked down sadly, allowing her mind to drift for a dew blissfully empty moments. It felt like a silly luxury to debate morals. It would hardly be the first time she had been required to kill for the cause. She’d shot Imperial ships out the air, crushed a factory full of people in an explosion, ordered a fleet to take down whole star destroyers. But purposefully hunting and executing was a new ground and the thought of it made her stomach clench and if she had found the time to eat anything that day, she knew she would have thrown it up. Or maybe that was just the smell.

But she said she’d do it, and heaven knows she had nothing else in her life other than going from assignment to assignment. Without this position, she’d have nothing. So, squaring up, she watched calculatingly from outside as the dealer rose from his seat, shook hands with the Imperial official that Amilyn had yet to identify, and quite frankly didn’t want to know his name, handing him a suitcase.

That must be it, the weapons plans and prototype.

She watched silently as they parted before taking off in the direction of the Imperial officer. Dodging the crowds of sketchy figures, she slipped inconspicuously into the alley, easily weaving her way efficiently through until she was right on his heels. Dressed head to toe in black, she disappeared in the throngs of moving crowds, her light footsteps joining the cacophony of splashes. As she saw him turn into a wider street, she unstrapped the blaster from her thigh, raising it as she’s stormed through the busy street.

“Kriff!” she swore, as she turned the corner after him and was met with a group of Stormtroopers and a burning blast to her side.

She’d been hit and Leif did it hurt, red hot searing pain seemed to extend from the blast wound to every inch of her body. 

Gritting her teeth, not having time to acknowledge the wound and pain coursing from her abdomen, she sprang into action, holding her blaster steady and moving quickly through the barrage. She couldn’t deny the strength and flexibility from skyfaring made her quite formidable in small skirmishes. Diving quickly out the way, she sent off two more perfectly aimed shots and the last remaining Stormtroopers fell to the ground.

The Imperial officer stood as the lone figure in the crimson light.

“Wait, wait, don’t shoot.” He spluttered faces so close she felt the spray of spit and could smell the sweat and fear.

_Oh, stars, forgive me._

Looking the man in the eyes, forcing down the bile rising in her throat and the black dots that blinked on the fringe of her vision, she pressed the end of the blaster into his chest. There was a big phycological difference between killing stormtroopers and looking a scared man in the eyes and snuffing out his life. Granted he wasn’t a very nice man, but at that moment it didn’t seem to matter. On Gatalenta they had been taught non-violence and mercy.

Rationally, she knew she was far past the point of no return as far as her conscious was concerned. But even as she pulled the trigger, she could see the terror reflected back at her

Breathing deeply, hands sticky and hot with blood from the wound in her side. she slid down to the ground with her back on the brick wall.

And she sat there, next to the limp body that lay cooling besides her, just long enough to witness another part her disappear. Her very being felt chipped and faded, rotting in its core like a dead tree in the rain. Wearily, and with a weight she had never carried before, she pushed herself to her feet, retrieved the fallen case, and hobbled out the alley into the street, disappearing again in the bustling crowd.

 

\--

 

**1ABY – Millennium Falcon on Cymoon 1**

 

“Leia, I’m really sorry. But we just can’t offer you any more support.” Mon said, and as furious as the Alderaan princess was, she could hear that her apology was sincere.

“Mon is right,” Dodonna spoke gruffly from his position next to the Chandrillan, “Now that we have all reconvened for the first time since Yavin IV, we need to focus on the bigger picture.”

“I’m sorry Leia, I know how important this is to you.” Mothma said empathetically, her gently tone just making the princess angrier, “But the rebellion can’t afford to at the moment. We need all our energy directed on establishing a new outpost.”

“Not that she should be running anything,” the harsh General said snidely, “What with the 10 million credit bounty still on your head.”

“I’ve been a part of much larger missions since that – “ Leia growled as things were starting to get heated.

“And, yet, you don’t seem to be able to get it through your skull that – “

“Dodonna, enough.” Mon bristled and shot Leia an apologetic look. The princess averted her eyes, not overly thrilled with the Chandrillan either. Her initial excitement at seeing her for the first time in over a year had quickly been replaced by a bitter grudge.

“Right,  onto the next order of business – “

Leia didn’t hear the rest, her chair scraping against the cool glass floor of the makeshift meeting. She’d heard enough. Pointedly ignoring the eyes that followed her out the room, she stormed from the chamber. Purposeful footsteps awoke Luke, who had been snoozing from a seat in the corridor.

“So? Will they give you the support?”

Leia made no move to answer Luke, but continued on her projectile, plowing past him and aggressively tossing her datapad onto the dashboard surface with a loud clump. Han raised his eyebrows, shaken out of his reclined position in the pilot's chair where he was tapping and murmuring along to whatever music he had programmed into the tannoy system.

“So,” Han said, with raised eyebrows taking in Organa’s flustered angry state, “How’d it go?”

“Just get us off this worthless planet.” She grumbled, sitting down in a huff in the second row of seats in the cockpit.

“My pleasure, your majesty,” The Corellian joked before adding sarcastically, “Glad you had fun.”

Leia just grimaced at him as Luke followed in behind her looking slightly green around the edges of his tanned skin.

“Damn, kids. What happened back there? The Council meets for the first time in over a year and you both look like hell.”

Receiving no comment, only matching glowers and glares, he clicked his tongue, and muttered to himself, “Aaaalright, I’ll just shut up and drive.”

As the Millennium Flacon pulled from the landing pad, Leia’s surge of anger had dissipated couldn’t help but feel a little guilty at her extreme reaction. Walking out of the first complete council meeting the rebellion has had in years wasn’t exactly the persona she wanted for herself.

That, and she had promised to catch up with Mon after the meeting. The Chandrillan had wanted to tell her something but said it would have to be for her ears only, somewhere they couldn’t have been overheard.

Once they had settled into hyperspace, Leia was quickly growing anxious trapped in the cockpit. Normally she would have escaped the boy's company, but Chewie was resting after piloting for two days straight to get them to Cymoon 1, and Han suggested they give him some peace. However, Leia was seriously considering risking a sleep-deprived Wookie.

“ _Take a trip on the Crescent Ship, sun child…”_ Han droned out in a tuneless addition to the music that was still floating in from the cockpit in flanging phasers, a type of psychedelia that was almost an auditory hallucination.

“You know, believe it or not, some of us are trying to concentrate,” Leia spoke with more irritation than she felt. At least, her irritation wasn’t directed at Han, but she was irritated. With the council, and their decision. And Mon! How could she agree with them? Of all the leaders of the rebellion she had expected to be her ally in this, Mon was the one.

“Sorry, your worship,” the Corellian mocked, tracking on the touchscreen to increase the volume to an almost deafening level, “That better!” He shouted, over the ear-splitting music.

Rolling her eyes, Leia opened her mouth to retort with another snide remark, but the words collapsed in her throat. As the music slipped effortlessly to the next song, she felt the wind knocked out of her, like being doused in frigid water.

She knew this. Well, she’d heard it; a slightly off-key but bright and ebullient version being belted out on the late-night streets of Coruscant. The

_For me is the only life I’ll ever know. And Love is only one fine star away._

The speaker’s crackled out the familiar tune that sounded so far away but the tune and lyrics pulled a memory from what seems like a lifetime ago, dragging it, and all the emotions that came with it, violently to the surface.

She was suddenly faced with just how much she missed Amilyn. The harmony and flowing chords yanked hard on her heartstrings and the Gatalentan’s face, which was so frequently pushed away, floated easily through her mind’s eye.

“You alright?” Luke asked. Sometimes he was so in tune with the small fluctuations in her mood it was spooky.

“I’m fine,” she lied, “I just…know this one.” She said gesturing vaguely through the air.

“I know them, their music is pretty big on Corellia. Although,” Han boasted, not reading the room,  “Contrary to popular belief, The Crescent Ship is really just a group of smugglers. The musician element is just a really good cover.”

“The Crescent ship?” Luke asked.

Han let out a bark of condescending laughter, “Jeez, did they have no culture on that farm of yours? I mean, really? You don’t know the Crescent Ship?” Luke just shrugged and returned to looking a little gloomy, “It’s a traveling caravan of sorts, at least that’s what they call themselves. Masquerading as musicians, artists, philosophers, astrologers, and gypsies, and there’s a lot of people on sabbatical. They claim to be tied up in all that spiritual mumbo-jumbo.”

As Amilyn was already on her mind, she wanted to say it’s not mumbo-jumbo and defend the ideals her friend and lover had held so closely, but chose her moments and kept quiet.

“But they’re smugglers?” the young Jedi asked, turning to Leia in confirmation. But she only shrugged; she knew of the Crescent Ship, as almost everyone raised in the Core Worlds did. It was rare for culture to travel from planet to planet, but they were known intergalactically.  

“Well, not officially. But those artistic types can be very creative and they’ve done some pretty dodgy deals in their time.” Han chuckled to himself. Luke went on to ask for details which Han enjoyed giving, but Leia drowned out their conversation.

But with the gentle instrumental of familiar melody, Amilyn slipped into the forefront of her mind, wandering from room to room in the closed-off wing of her mind, turning on each light. She shook her head as if to rid herself from her image.

Forcing her eyes to train back on the many messages backed up on the screen of her datapad, but the letters might as well have been in a different language for all the sense she could make of them. So completely lost in thoughts she infrequently allowed herself to divulge in, she didn’t notice Luke place himself on the bench beside her.

“Hey,” he said quietly, in his boyish but caring manner and Leia startled slightly, shaking her head in a tiny shudder.

“So…they still want you to lead a faction, set up your own base and everything?” It was less of a question, as Leia had been present in the council room when they were discussing Luke’s future in the rebellion. But Skywalker seemed on edge, intimidated by the prospect of so much responsibility, she decided to gauge his true feelings on the matter.

Luke ran a hand through his already ruffled sandy hair, letting out a sigh as he sprawled slightly in his seat, “Yeah…Crazy, right? I’m not sure I’m the best guy for the job, though.”

“You don’t have to be modest. You’ve earnt this, especially after Vrogas Vos. If Darth Vader is hunting you specifically, it makes sense to have your own team and facilities.”

 “But I have no idea how to start. I mean, they want me to establish a base? I wouldn’t know where to even begin to look.” He slumped slightly, picking listlessly at the table, obviously a bit disheartened and overwhelmed with the huge responsibilities the Rebellion had thrust upon him. Leia could sympathize with that.

“Well, I wouldn’t worry too much about that,” Leia said, returning her attention to the datapad, finally engaging with the words on the screen. “Look, see.” She turned the device towards Luke, pointing to one of the many correspondences, “It looks like they’ve already sent scouts out on that front.”

Skywalker’s slumped and defeated stature straightened slightly, eye’s lighting up.

“Have they said where?” He said with that charming eager tone that Leia found so endearing.

“Well,” Leia said, quickly skimming the coded information, “There’s the option of re-opening Crait. Apparently, a spy has just been to scout it out and it still seems well outfitted. Although, I do have to say, that when I was there I wasn’t overly impressed. And it would be beneficial to start somewhere new.”

Luke nodded, encouragingly beside her, encroaching on her space. “Definitely open somewhere new.”

“Well, that rules out my idea of tacking on to the secret base on Corellia,” Han said, restarting the previous song, and the woman’s smoky voice floated through the room again. Leia knew he meant it as a kind gesture to her, noting her recognition of the melody. But she wished he hadn’t, as it was becoming more difficult to focus on the task at hand.

“And give me one good reason why he should run a covert operation on a Core World where he’s much more likely to be caught and killed? God, you can be an idiot.”

Han seemed undeterred, giving a winning smile and opening his arms, “All part of the charm, Princess.”

She rolled her eyes but was surprised to find herself smiling lightly at his antics. Maybe she was finally getting used to them.

Returning her attention to the list in front of her, she continued to list off as she scrolled through the interactive map, “Unroola Dawn, Primtara…I don’t know much about them other than they’re not far out enough to covertly achieve the type and scale of training your hoping for without being spotted – Oh wait! What about Hoth?” She said tapping on the miniaturized version of the planet, “We could go meet the scouting mission? See if it’s what you’re looking for?”

Overwhelmed, Luke shook his head in an obvious ‘can we not talk about this anymore.’ Leia shut down the virtual map with a sigh.

“At least you had better luck than I did. I find evidence of the biggest group of Alderaan survivors yet in a prison, and they won’t give me any money or support to extract them.”

“So, you know for definite there are Alderaanians there. And that they’re all on Caamus?”

Leia wasn’t listening, finally giving in to the song whose melody melted through the air.

_We all chase something and maybe this is a dream._

Caamus was a core world neighboring Gatalenta. Gatalenta. Maybe it was the music or maybe it was seeing Mon again, but Leia craved something to tie her to Amilyn: An indescribable urge to take a risky side trip. As if going to Gatalenta was the answer to all her problems. It made no rational sense, but she couldn’t fight the sudden impulse and she suddenly churned with excitement. It seemed silly that she hadn’t thought to go before.

“Leia…Leia!” Han said waving his hand in front of her vacant eyes. She snapped out her trance.

“Yes, let’s check out Caamus. But I want to make a quick trip somewhere first.” She said, the words tumbling out of her compulsively, without putting any thought to the decision, “Don’t worry, it’s on the way!”

 

\--

 

**1ABY – Hoth**

 

“This is not what I meant by wanting to travel.” She muttered to herself, digging the toe of her sturdy winter boot into the snow, kicking up piles of the icy terrain in impatience. It was the sixteenth consecutive outer rim planet she’d been sent to on a preliminary scout and reconnaissance. And, while she couldn’t deny it was a constructive use of her talents (astrology, mapping, planet terrain navigation, etc.), the constant traveling had built up a state of permanent and aching exhaustion that Amilyn was beginning to believe that, even if she slept for the rest of her life, it would never fully fade.

It wasn’t good for her spirit; not that she was very well centered these days nor was her spirit very high on her list of priorities. The inherent lifestyle of espionage was draining, never staying anywhere long enough to be anything more than a passing face. That and her moral compass was so far off north these days that the idea of partaking in any of the spiritual acts she was once so fond of, seemed laughable.

The cold wind kicked the breath from her chest. Ice blew in sheets outside the shelter of a crudely constructed break wall, which was the rendezvous point.

_Well if they’re looking for a hostile environment to hide behind, this is definitely the place._

She licked her lips, which still tasted like salt, not having had time to wash off the saline crust she had acquired on Crait. She hadn’t even been wrapping up her scouting report before she received to coordinates for this mission. And while she wasn’t overly thrilled with the physical labour that went into scouting, Amilyn was relieved that it wasn’t an intel, or heaven forbid, another assassination mission. She’d been in just one too many narrow escapes lately that spending some time on simple scouting almost felt like a holiday.

Not that Hoth was a mainstream tourist destination.

Although, cutting through the gloom of her day-to-day life, was the glowing knowledge that today was different. For the first time since she’d agreed to work in Special Intelligence, she was working with a team. In an indulgent moment of melodrama, she worried that she might not know _how_ to work with others after a year in isolation. Rationally, she knew she would make it work, this must be a pretty important mission if it can’t be done solo. Still, socializing had become so foreign to her she could not deny she was a little daunted.

Thankfully, she didn’t have long to wait and agonize as the sound of engines roared its way above the sound of the beating wind.

“Sorry, I’m late, got held up by ISB and had to take the long way round.” The Twi’lek spoke,  removing his specialty helmet and leaping to the frozen earth, blue lekku swinging behind him. He was young and agile, but his face carried an age beyond his years and his voice a depth that is only earned through trial. “Anyone else arrived yet?”

Amilyn shook her head, shouting over the wind, “How many are we expecting?”

The Twi’lek shrugged, matching her bellow,  “Not sure. I didn’t get the details. Only one of us will and they’ll have to tell the rest. Is this your first assignment?”

“First with others,” Amilyn confirmed, choosing not to mention that she was the one who had been sent a full briefing, and the other smiled warmly.

“Oh? That would explain why I haven’t seen you before. How long have you been on the circuit?”

“Just over a year.”

The Twi’lek snorted, “Ha! You’re telling me! Oh look, here’s our company.”

Following his gaze skyward, she saw three ships making their way towards them.

An Ilohian, an Anselmi and a pair of Savarians joined them, and everyone crammed into the cabin of the Savarian ship as it was large enough to accommodate them all. The group must have all known each other, greeting one another with hugs and handshakes. This did nothing to alleviate Amilyn’s worry about working with others and made her feel more isolated than ever.

No one asked her name, and as this was her first interaction with other spies and solo scouts, she could only assume that was customary. Everyone seemed to use home planets instead of names, which was confirmed when the Twi’lek pulled her out of her assumed position of a wallflower.

_If only Leia could see me now, a wallflower. She’d never believe it._

 “You’re very quiet…” He trailed off with expectation, and when she didn’t answer he asked: “Where are you from, kid?”

“Gatalenta.”

His eyebrows raised in surprise, “Gatalenta? Aren’t you all meant to be peaceful hippies?”

She shrugged, ignoring his teasing, “I’ve got the briefing details, in case you were wondering. Whenever you’re ready.”

The Twi’lek chuckled heartily and his genuine good humor was infectious the humanity-starved Gatalentan. “You’re all work and no play, huh?”

She cocked an eyebrow, which just made him chuckle again.

“Listen up everyone!” He spoke in his booming voice “Gatalenta here has got the briefing so quiet down.”

Clearing her throat, Amilyn was impressed with how she naturally reassumed her role as a commanding officer, amazed at how the confidence found its way back into her voice. They all knew what the deal was on a scouting mission, so it was relatively simple.

At the end of her briefing, there was silence until the Anselmi nodded, “Sounds good to me.”

She recognized that voice, looking up in surprise. Now that the white storm wasn’t storming through her vision she could see clearly the face of the Anselmi and recognized him instantly as the Glee Anselm representative she had argued with so feverously during the Apprentice Legislature. _He must have had a change of heart._ She must have looked shocked because he was looking at her strangely, obviously not cottoned on to the fact they had met before. 

Holdo wondered how many people had actually looked at her face. Or if she had been so defined by her hair, her brightness, her unique persona, that without it people just looked right past her. This had been the guy who had openly criticized her appearance on the Senate floor. You’d think he might recognize her. But still, she felt another part of her melt away when their large eyes looked back at her without a glint of recognition. How much had she changed?

“Great,” She said finding her voice, “Let’s move and hopefully we’ll be done by sundown.”

Thankfully, and to Holdo’s great relief, the mission passed mostly with little incident. The group stayed close together, most by foot but the Ilohian scoped the land from his ship. Satisfied, after a long search, that they had found the most suitable location for a potential base. The rocky out croft provided a large reliable structural base and would be ideal for the winding cave systems that the rebellion favored. They spent the majority of the afternoon gathering information, and it wasn’t until the return back to their ship that Amilyn ran into trouble.

A sudden jolt of pain caused her grip to slip on the icy slope, falling backward into a large drift. Grunting and huffing she pulled her self out of the drift enough to tumble down to the more packed ground.

“Are you alright there, Gatalenta?” she heard Glee Anselm ask from up the hill that he was descending quickly to come to her aid, as she felt strong arms help pull her from a sitting position. Placing her palm firmly to her midriff, she was greeted with a gush of warm stickiness that confirmed her assumption.

“I’m okay,” Amilyn huffed through the pain, her panting breath coming out in thick clouds of condensation, “I got shot on my last assassination by a stormtrooper. The wound must have reopened…again,” She muttered this last bit under her breath in annoyance, reapplying pressure to her stomach. Flushing slightly with embarrassment, her cheeks felt hot against to frigid air. She didn’t want to show any form of weakness in front of the group she was trying to lead.

But she was met with nothing but caring kindness reflected in the from the group. Maybe because she herself felt like an emotionless droid, but she found herself surprised at their reactions. And, slightly horrified, she suddenly came to the conclusion that everyone here must be like her in some way, hardened by the war but still a caring, loving creature underneath all the scar tissue.

“Rough,” The Twi’lek sympathized, helping her to stand, “My first assassination mission was a disaster. Lost two of my best friends because of my own idiocy. But you seem to have your head screwed on tight, Gatalenta. No use worrying over one small mistake.”

His tone was flippant, but, despite only having just met, Amilyn could see a deep sadness and remorse in his eyes. A sadness and remorse she sympathized with so strongly, and she had no doubt that the others that stood around her did too.

An unspoken bond passed between the group, a group of loners living quite literally on the edge of the universe, nameless and nomadic.

The Twi’lek wordlessly offered a large flask he pulled from his heavy coat pocket and Amilyn took it without hesitation, silently thanking him, still stunned to silence. She raised the flask to her lips, and scrunched her nose against the stench that was vaguely reminiscent of fuel, and allowed the alcohol to burn the splits in her lips before slipping down her throat. The alcohol gave her the strength, while the freezing snow numbed that pain and slowed the bleeding. So, when she was helping the Twi’lek finish up the new dressing on the wound, she felt considerably less worse-for-ware than she had anticipated.

“Are you gonna be alright now?” He asked, fatherly.

“Yes, thank you,” she said, genuinely though in an unusually small voice.

“Right, in that case I’ll get to work on sending the report through.”

“I’ve done it. Sent it when you were all setting up base.” Amilyn said casually.

“Didn’t I tell you to take a nap and get some sleep?” The Twi’lek spoke sternly, but Amilyn could see the jest and amusement in his eyes.

“Ha! Nap? I barely have time to get into my pajamas, let alone go to sleep!” _Wait a minute…did I just make a joke?_

And, _thank the stars,_ the Twi’lek laughed a hearty, full laugh and Amilyn could see it brought them the same relief she herself was feeling.  ”Tell me about it. Although, you _are_ Gatalentan, so maybe the rumors are true the, mhhh? You meditate instead of sleep.”

_“I thought you were joking when you said meditation alleviates your need for sleep,”_

_“You should know better by now to know to take everything I say completely seriously.”_

_“Maybe someday I’ll learn.”_

She snapped herself out the memory, taking another medicinal sip of the whiskey, swallowing bitterly and wiping her mouth with her leather sleeve before handing the flask back. The harsh liquid burned down her throat, hot and haunting she could feel the heat from her eyes to her stomach.

“In theory,” she all but spat, letting her contempt slip to the surface, “but one has to be able to meditate for that to work. Lately, I’ve just had a little too much on my mind that’s not easily addressed. Not exactly prime material for honest reflection.”

“I get that, I’m sure everyone here has a similar story. It’s not the type of lifestyle someone with a lot of choices would make for themselves.” The Twi’lek said, casting a glance out the open door at where the others had set up an emergency shelter and started a fire, “Heartbreak of the moment is not endless, Gatalenta. You’ll get back to what remains your old self once you’ve figured that out”

His words were incredibly perceptive for someone who didn’t even know her name. Amilyn wiped a frozen tear from her face, cursing her weakness as she said in an unusually small voice, “I’m not entirely sure if I want to. I don’t think she’d like who I’ve become.”

“We’ve all been there.”

She laughed wryly, not sure why she was opening up so much, but couldn’t seem to stop now she’d started.

“I have considered that maybe I’m just doing this, forcing myself to do this, as some kind of backward punishment,” she confessed freely the thought that she hadn’t even been able to voice to herself.

“Punishment for what?” the Twi’lek asked with empathy.

“For surviving. For watching everything slip out from under me and not doing a damn thing to stop it. I’m sure there’s more.”

The Twi’lek sighed deeply, “No one is going to make it through this war if we all think like that. I don’t know you but I can tell this isn’t your true nature, Gatalenta. And, if we can’t stay true to our nature, none of this fight is worth it. Whether we win or lose, the tyranny will succeed if we can’t live to enjoy it’s passing.”

_Damn, he’s good._

“You sound like me…or at least the way I would have sounded a year ago.” She sighed, “I just – “

Her words were interrupted by a quick and incessant beeping. The data core leapt to life, screens popping up with the same notification: Intruders at the safehouse. Or at least a landing near enough to her side of the mountain to mount suspicion and set off a series of alarms.

“Do you need to deal with – whatever that is?” the Twi’lek asked.

Taking a moment to consider that flaring red text and irksome alarm tone, Amilyn wordlessly deactivated the alarm. She was loathe to leave the first friendly company she had encountered in over a year. Besides, she reasoned, Mon was on Cymoon 1 for an annual check-in. It was the first time she’d left the confines of the safe house since the Death Star and was gone for a fortnight. The house was deserted and the bunker safely sealed, hidden beneath the great, sloping mountains.

“It’s no big deal, I’ll just hang tight until my counselor gets in touch.” Amilyn said, shaking off a strange instinct to return to Gatalenta and smiling shyly,“Got any more of that whiskey left?”

“Atta’ Girl” the Twi’lek shouted enthusiastically, drawing her away from the control board and turning off the lights of the cabin.

The ship hung suspended in darkness for a brief moment, before the screen that had just been blaring red sprang to life, the light from the screen casting sharp shadows through the cockpit.

And if Amilyn had stayed a moment longer, had held back with a little more hesitation, she would have seen a familiar figure amongst the small party, pressing up the hill along a path they had once shared. If only she had lingered a minute, she would have instantly recognized the figure trundling through the grass, easily identified braids and the dress. She could have been readying the ship for an immediate departure to reunite with the person who occupied her every waking thought within moments, and things might have been different.

But the feed played to nobody. 

 


	12. Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so efficient, two updates in just over two weeks! Or maybe I'm just plowing through this bit so I can get to the chapters I am just ITCHING to get started! :D
> 
> Anyway, thanks to everyone who came back to read after I disappeared for two months. Very much appreciated! 
> 
> Song: Ghosts - Stevie Nicks
> 
> Xx

\--

 

**1ABY – Gatalenta**

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me, princess,” Han shouted as much as he could when he was panting for breath, face scrunching up against the blazing suns as he leaned on his knees. “We’ve been walking for hours! And now you want me to scale the side of a mountain?! Remind me again why we didn’t take the Falcon?”

“Because I only know how to get here on foot,” Leia shouted over her shoulder, breathing in fresh air through her nostrils, relishing in the familiar scent. That was only partly true, she had wanted the walk, these rumbling, fragrant hills felt like home. Or as close to home as anything had felt since…well, “If you’ll recall, I did suggest you wait on the ship.”

“Well, if you’d mentioned we’d be climbing a mountain to get wherever we’re going I would have,” the Corellian retorted.

“I did mention it. Twice,” she crossed her arms and looked at him through narrowed eyes, using her position higher on the hillside to look down on him.

Han looked to Chewie in support, but he grumbled his confirmation of Leia’s story.

“Fine, take her side,” Han said as the Wookie shrugged and followed in the Alderaanian’s footsteps.

The trio continued the remainder of the walk in near silence. Luke had stayed behind, opting to go into one of the smaller mountain communes. He had listened excitedly as Leia did her best to explain Gatalentan Force-based spiritual practice, with added information from C-3PO, and the different methods of meditation.

_“Are you sure?” he couldn’t keep the doubt from his face, “I mean, that doesn’t even sound safe, let alone relaxing.”_

“ _Oh, believe me, it’s not,” she’d laughed, fondly recounting her brief personal experience with skyfaring._

_“You mean it’s not safe or it's not relaxing?”_

_“Neither!”_

_The young Jedi looked at her with a mixture of fear and wonder. She smiled affectionately back at him. Sometimes she was struck by just how little he knew about the lifestyle he had committed himself to so fully, and how little he had been trained. That being said, she had a question burning at the edges of her mind since she had changed their course for Gatalenta. She knew she was doing this on a whim, but she could feel in a part of herself that she had to make the trip. That part of herself, however, was the same undistinguishable part that she had felt come to life when she had those terrible visions on Gatalenta._

_Amilyn had been convinced that she had been force-sensitive, and who better to ask about this than Luke?_

_“Uhm Luke, can I ask you a question? A- uh- Jedi question.” Leia suddenly felt a little self-conscious_

_“You can try, I’m not sure how helpful I will be, “ He said honestly with a bright smile._

_“Maybe I could also be of assistance, princess?” Threepio chimed in. Besides the golden droid, R2-D2 beeped, clearly amused by that statement. The Threepio unit responded only with a clunking blow to the smaller droid._

_“Well,” she fumbled slightly, “The last time I was on Gatalenta, they have a strain of Spice that is meant to enhance meditation and – “_

_“Princess!” the droid interrupted, clearly appalled, “ The use of such a substance is forbidden in every other core world. I will not condone its use, and I’m sure Master Luke feels the same and  – “_

_“That’s not the point of this,” she interjected, realizing how quickly the conversation could get away from her, “The point is, is that I had – well like a vision of sorts. And my – um – my friend, thought maybe it was a force vision. And I had the same feeling when deciding to go to Gatalenta. Does  - does that mean anything?”_

_“Well that is certainly highly irregular,” Threepio said._

_“Gee, I don’t know Leia. I’m not really sure about any of the technicalities of the Force. I’m sure if you feel you’re meant to go there, you will find what you’re looking for.”_

But the higher she climbed, the surer she was going to find something. Nightmares of her parent's death had been replaced by rumbling beneath tall mountains and fragrant juniper and aromatic smoke that was so reminiscent of Amilyn, and being here filled a hole those dreams had shone a harsh light on. Revitalized by it, she felt hopeful for something unknown. It had been a while since she’d gone blindly on instinct like this, and she couldn’t shake the excitement that was kicking up a frenzy in her heart.

Excitement that was so easily quashed once they arrived.

“Someone’s been here,” Leia said angrily. And she was right, it wasn’t as they’d left it. The droid from the front was missing, glass bottles were scattered empty and the kitchen had been emptied of everything. And, most heartbreakingly, the small but cozy tent and firepit they had built for their night under the stars had been dismantled. Not in the haphazard way that suggested it had fallen to the elements, but deconstructed methodically. Behind it, sat on the mountainside was the meditation alter, destroyed by angry blaster scorch marks and shattered glass.

“Yeah, well whoever it was doesn’t seem to have stuck around. This dump is definitely not lived in.” Han said, leaning coolly on a counter surface before recoiling and grimacing at the thick dust that stuck to his palm.

“Don’t call it a dump!” But Leia couldn’t deny the house had fallen into further decline. The sandstone and crystal exterior looked weather-worn and dirty as if the whole structure were being engulfed into the mountainside, fading away as its owner had.

“Okay,” Han said slowly, hands outstretched in trepidation, “Well whoever’s been here hasn’t left much behind, and have done a decent job vandalizing the place. Do we need to report it? It could be someone in the village we left Luke in.”

“No, no one here would do that. There’s practically no crime on Gatalenta, they’re all pacifists.” Which made the violent destruction of the meditation alter so eerie.

“What exactly are we here for?”

If Han had asked Leia that question before they had arrived, before she had felt the crushing yet inevitable disappointment at finding the mountain deserted, she felt like she might have had an answer. But now she couldn’t help but question herself:

What were they doing here?

She had been so sure. So sure that there was something here she was meant to see. But what could she possibly have expected except for this? Betrayed by her own impulse, she felt cheated. That nagging voice that had spurred her up the mountain had been convinced it would find something beyond this decaying exoskeleton of a building.

Leia was quickly coming to terms with more plausible reasoning than mystic urges and premonitions. Amilyn had been a beacon of joy in her life, and as the nightmares began to fade and the loss hurt less, she clung to that joy. Hoping to find it here, however, was foolish and she was quickly beginning to realize that. The things she had loved about her weren’t here in this dusty degenerated house.

“Leia…Please tell me we haven’t wasted two days we could have spent helping Luke establish a base, or finding Alderaanians, or doing anything other than being on this boring planet, climbing pointless mountains on this boring planet?”

Again, she didn’t answer him.

“Well, isn't that just great?” Han said in exasperation, turning away from her and groaning into the desolate room, “I know, maybe you’re technically in charge, but – “ He’d turned to scold her, having saved up his rant the entire hike up, but as soon as he saw her looking dejected and broken, the harsh words died in his throat, “Hey, are you crying?”

She shook her head but gave her self away with a sob that slipped through her façade.

Han looked to Chewie, who shrugged, before deflating his anger and stepping closer to her, trying his best to be comforting.

“Uhhh,…It’ll be okay?” He muddled as he patted her shoulder awkwardly, but the tears still glimmered, unshed in her eyes. “Well if you’re gonna cry about it.” He said with kindness in his jest, before breaking through and pulling the princess in for a tight hug.

She leaned into his embrace, and she couldn’t deny the relief his comfort brought. Han was sturdy, grounding and present. She could feel the rise and fall of his chest under her cheek as the princess pressed in closer.

She suddenly felt slightly sick. To be thinking this here, in a place that belonged to Amilyn, felt like a betrayal on sacred ground.

Pulling away and wiping away any evidence of tears, she cleared her throat, “We’ve got to go get Luke. He can’t have free reign here too long, with all the ritual and religion, we’ll never get him back.” Her voice cracked and wavered, and she knew she wasn’t fooling anyone. But, instead of mocking her weakness as she had expected, Han ignored her obvious distress by a mocking groan.

Han groaned, “Oh god, is it really _that_ bad on this planet?”

“No, “Leia breathed deeply, sniffling slightly as she took in the mountain air for what felt like it would be the last time, “It’s not _that_ bad.”

“Well,” Han said, for the first time in his life being tactful, directing all his energy to get Leia as far away from this place that was so obviously affecting her.

The decline to the valley was silent, Han and Chewie kept to themselves walking a safe distance behind Leia, and she was thankful for it. She was also warmed by the way they seemed to be checking up on her. They weren’t nearly as subtle about it as they thought they were, but the sentiment was there and she appreciated it.

Especially as she felt disproportionally rattled. Clinging to her past was playing tricks on her. A part of her had been so certain, so sure, that she would find something here. Though, in retrospect, it seemed ridiculous.

However, even in her gloom, she couldn’t shake the lightness she had in her chest from Han’s comforting embrace. It had felt beyond wrong to entertain what it might mean in a place that was so closely tied to her relationship with Amilyn. It would be best to box that part of her life away as it was and not to tarnish it with her new reality.

So she’d shut the front door and swore to never look back again.

Luke excitedly showed off his newly acquired windchimes and incense to Han who couldn’t have looked more disinterested if he tried. Which, of course, only made Luke try harder, prattling on about the wonders of Gatalenta. Looking at the dynamic duo warmed Leia’s heart just enough to cut through her dejection. So naturally, she latched onto them harder than she ever had before, deciding at that moment, to do her best to let the past go.

 

\--

 

**1ABY – Mako-Ta Space Docks**

 

Pulling out of hyperspace, Amilyn was not prepared for the bright flashes of burning light and the cacophony crashes that surrounded her. Eyes blew wide she watched as both Resistance cruisers and  Star Destroyers collapsed into space, the two broken halves of Mako-Ta Space Docks floating in a cloud of their own debris.

Mon hadn’t been kidding when she had said she needed to get to Mako-Ta _ASAP_. And this certainly was an ‘ASAP’ situation. She didn’t need a briefing to know the losses had been great; the greatest they’d been in a while if Mon was risking bringing Amilyn out from undercover. The Rebellion had been using the space station as a production center of sorts, but, because the forces were still scattered, it was the closest thing they had to a base. They hadn’t been prepared for an attack on this scale and the leadership was dropping like flies. While the rebel fleet was playing defense, they had clearly forgotten to complete their evacuation. She could see figures on the deck trying to organize themselves safely off the collapsing space station, in dire need of direction. Her ship had been cleverly disguised as a nondescript transport, so she slipped easily though the chaos, unmarked and untargeted. The TIE fighter and X-Wings chased each other around her as she wove through the chaos undetected, another black silhouette against the vibrant backdrop of a tangerine sun.

Finding an area that was clear enough of debris and deceased to land had been trouble enough, so she felt rushed and behind schedule when she finally left her ship and began to orient herself in the unfamiliar space station. Trying to act quickly, she was wrapped up in trying to figure out the best starting point she hadn’t noticed the approaching footsteps until she heard someone speak.

“Well, Amilyn Holdo…back from the dead.” A gruff voice spoke from behind her. Spinning on her heel, cursing her cornered position between her ship and whoever had managed to sneak up on her.

Amilyn scanned the hooded figure for any distinguishable features, quickly analyzing her escape route and trying to figure out the best way to get her blaster off the strap on her back without getting shot herself. She hadn’t even heard them approach, which she could hardly be too harsh on herself for as the din of the battle around her was overwhelming. Still, it had been a long time since she had felt this venerable.

“For someone who was meant to have died on Alderaan, you’re looking very much alive,” The figure approached, “And you’ve been busy. Stealing my mission right out from under me on Lothal intercepting the weapon handoff. I can’t say I wasn’t impressed with how easily you slipped past the entire Imperial garrison after assassinating an officer in plain sight. Naturally, we’ve been keeping an eye on you ever since, and of course, here you are.”

 “Do I know you?” she all but shouted over the sounds of decimation and destruction.

The figure laughed, “Oh I doubt it. But I know _all about_ you. Now, now you won’t be needing that,” the creature said nodding to her hand which she had stealthily slipped behind her back grasping for her blaster.

“Prove it,” she challenged warily with no small amount of fire and gumption in her voice. A year as a special operative hadn’t taught her trust nor had it taught her compliance, and she was going to be ambushed she sure as hell wasn’t going down without a fight.

The figure raised two clawed hands, showing their empty palms, a gesture of peace before pulling back their hood and Amilyn felt her jaw go slack.

“You’re coming with me.”

 

**\--**

**2ABY – Pamarthe**

 

Her tolerance had definitely gone up, that was officially a fact. The empty glass rested on the softly weathered wood of the bar, her fingernails carving out scratches in its waxy surface as she debated getting a second one. This was definitely bad news because there were very few who weren’t Pamarthian that could handle just the one glass of Port in a Storm, let alone remain sitting upright long enough to be contemplating another one.

But the supply drop off was late, and it was rare that she had time to sit in an inn long enough to feel the warmth fight away the chilling sea spray, (and this planet brought back memories she was pointedly ignoring) so, without much of a second thought, she threw caution to the wind.

“Can I get another?” She asked, brusquely getting the innkeeper's attention with a simple gesture.

The tall, burly Innkeeper raised his thick eyebrows, taking a moment to rake his eyes over her decisively slim figure, clearly questioning if a girl that size could handle two of one of the strongest shots in the galaxy.

“You sure you wouldn’t be better off with a Sea Tangle Tonic?” He said condescendingly, Amilyn clearly not passing his visual inspection. Amilyn looked him square in the eye, gaze unwavering she simply tilted her empty glass in the air, giving him a pointed look through a curtain of loose curls. To her surprise he cracked a small smile, gently snatched the glass from her hand and went rustling beneath the bar to refill it.

Amilyn pushed the matted mane of light golden curls from her face. They were thick and coarse from the salty wind, just finally drying from the persistent spray of the ocean planet. She twisted and tied them back in a rough knot, opening her vision up to the small, fogged-up window that was carved into the wall that she had been watching diligently out the corner of her eye, eagerly awaiting the drop-off pilot.

In a vague sort of way, she had been looking forward to this. Not because the assignment was considerably slower in pace and peril than the project she had spent the better part of the past year on, but she would be going back to Gatalenta for the first time in a long time. She was waiting on a stock order that Mon had placed for the bunker, and, seeing as no one else knew the location of their safe house, she had been temporarily pulled out her current mission to deliver it. She’d missed the Chandrillan and the bond they’d build up in the early days, and she hadn’t seen anyone she would consider a friend in what seemed like an age. Those fleeting hours of comradery with her on Gatalenta, and the few stolen moments of normalcy on Hoth, had been outliers of hope in the otherwise bleak landscape of her life.

“Now,” the innkeeper said with a wink as he placed her drink in front of her with a dull thud on the wood of the bar, “I’ve got to hand it to you, there aren’t many off-worlders who can hack a glass of that. A grown Wookie would be flat on his arse after two. You sure you can handle it?” He spoke with a wide toothy grin poking through a scratchy beard, no longer condescending but hearty and friendly.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Amilyn said, ice thawing in her voice as she raised her glass to salute him in thanks before taking a sip. The innkeeper laughed, giving her another smile and a mock salute to match, before retreating to the back room.

The gesture was small, inconsequential to an onlooker. But these small moments of interaction with strangers were precious to her in an incomprehensible way. She didn’t think of life after the war anymore. Not only because she was in so deep with her current project she didn’t have time for fantasy, but a time of peace would be so out of alignment with who she had become. And these tiny moments of connection and humanity gave her a small glimmering hope that there might be someone she can go back to being on the other side.

Smiling lightly into her stormy glass, the burning liquid was lighting a fire behind her cheeks and in her chest, warming her slightly from the inside out. But as swiftly as the moment came, it was gone, as a movement from behind the grimy window caught her eye and it was back to work.

The cargo pilot walked into the inn, attempting to discreetly glance around before making a beeline towards Amilyn. The Gatalentan had to refrain from rolling her eyes as the smile slipped off her face, could this woman be any more obvious? She was short and tanned, thick wavy brown hair braided neatly back, but she walked with a jaunty bravado that unconsciously drew the attention of everyone in the crowded inn. The obvious display of the Rebellion logo did little to deter their gaze.

Amilyn stopped herself from scowling too deeply; if she wasn’t careful she was going to get them both killed. Reading the room, Amilyn downed the rest of her Port in a Storm and, ignoring the sudden spinning, pushed herself to her feet, surreptitiously pushed a card loaded with the appropriate credits for the drinks and the barman’s silence, and made to exit the establishment at a brisk but not unreasonable pace.

Brushing shoulders with the pilot Amilyn whispered, “Outside. Not here,” and then with the tinkling of the bell above the Inn door, she was gone.

Amilyn easily found the cargo transport; it was a small island and it was hardly expertly hidden. She picked listlessly at the peeling paint on the crates stacked beneath the hold ramp, knowing that the pilot would have to make a decent show of staying in the inn. Not unaccustomed to waiting, Amilyn stood in silence until she heard the approach of footsteps.

“I ain’t gonna introduce myself. I know your type, you wouldn’t give me a name anyway,” the woman said on her approach.

Amilyn nodded and instantly regretted it, her head spinning and her brain felt loose in her skull.

“Riiiight…” The Pilot obviously sounded unconvinced by her, not that Amilyn had it in her to care, “Well, here it is. Two hundred ration bars, half a dozen of the latest blasters, ten energy canisters and – “

“Sorry, stop there,” There was a slightly deadly pause. Now the woman had her attention, fighting off the drunken haze Amilyn snapped, “What?”

“I said – “

Amilyn spoke directly, “I heard you. What I don’t understand is why you’ve shown up with a fraction of the order. Two hundred food rations? Is that a joke? That’ll barely last half a year and it’s not like I can make these runs whenever the rebellion needs me to.” She was being more aggressive than was necessary, and she knew it. Isolation does that to a person. She had run into enough tighter than tight spots that cynicism had won over her former optimism and bright aptitude. “This is a one-off, I need you to go back and get the rest.”

“What are ya’ insane? I’m not going back! And I’m certainly not taking orders from you. Take it or leave it.” She retaliated, slightly shocked by the reaction.

“Unacceptable. No, I’m sorry, but I haven’t come crawling out of the Bothan spynet for less than _one-quarter_ of the original order,” Amilyn’s voice was strained, which always sounded strange to her ears as it was so contradictory to her natural drawl.

“Listen, lady,” the brunette squared up and even Amilyn was slightly taken aback by her brashness, “I’m not a messenger. I don’t even usually make cargo runs. But both rations and staff are short, and just because special ops have got most of the shit for it doesn’t mean you gotta get shirty with me. I’m only doing this as a favor. Princess Leia is the one who made the cuts, I’m just tryna’ follow orders.”

Amilyn, who had only been half paying attention to the fiery pilot’s rant, mind sweeping in and out of focus as she fought off another wave of the effects of Port in a Storm, suddenly felt very awake. Her head shot up, ears straining convinced her own hearing was playing tricks on her.

“What?” she muttered softly, too stunned and confused to maintain her tough front.

The dark-haired woman recoiled her aggression slightly with furrowed eyebrows looking at Amilyn in a new light. The stand-offish spy that stood before her, who had been paying her minimal drunken attention, was now sharply focused on her, eyes blown impossibly wide. And those exacting crystalline blue orbs suddenly showed a depth of emotion and venerability that the pilot knew she hadn’t a hope in hell deciphering.

Treading carefully, she spoke, “I said special ops have suffered the – “

“No, no, no. Who? Who - ” Amilyn’s voice crumbled and she swallowed. Her heart, which had felt like it had stopped in its tracks seconds ago, was now thrashing in her chest. “Did you just say – “

“Princess Leia? You gotta’ problem, you’re welcome to take it up with her. I’d like to see how that would go down,” the woman laughed to herself, expecting a big response from the volatile (and clearly a little unhinged) woman sat opposite. But upon receiving no reaction, she looked up in time to see the agent stumble in shock just a little bit before catching herself, even though her knees looked like they were on the brink of giving out from underneath her. The pilot suddenly felt a little bad at how she had spoken to her, watching as the woman struggled to regain her composure.

She must have drunk too much. That was the only explanation for what she was hearing.

Or, exhaustion had finally reached its peak and she was hallucinating. _That_ would make sense, she hadn’t slept properly in what felt like weeks and this always happened when it came to Leia. If she hadn’t been thinking about her, hadn’t been paying her memory enough attention, she would start to crop up more than usual. She would think she’s seen a picture of her flicker across the holo-net, or she’d pick up a flash of a conversation in passing, thinking she’d hear the princess’s name. Her mind playing tricks on her, at least that’s what she’d always told herself…Only now she was starting to think that maybe that hadn’t been it at all, and, blinded by her own grief, had missed something quite major.

No. This was a mistake. It _must_ be. Because if it wasn’t, that meant - 

“What? Ya’ know her?”

“I couldn’t possibly,” Amilyn responded distantly, voice steady and mellow and everything she wasn’t underneath it all, “She’s dead.”

“Dead?! Whatchya on about? I saw her not twelve hours ago.”

Amilyn let out a cross between a whimper and a moan.

Twelve hours ago: that stung her heart and suddenly she could feel herself waking up to the news. The news had stopped reverberating around her mind, unable to attach itself to any coherent thought. But she was finally latching on, and it was painfully sinking in.

Twelve hours ago this woman had been with Leia. Leia, who was not dead as Amilyn had believed, but living, breathing and giving orders less than a twelve-hour flight away.

The event that had broken her heart changed her soul and shaped her life from every moment since hadn’t actually happened at all.

She was going to be sick. Shakily, she reached out another unsteady hand, fully bracing herself on the stacked cargo. Trying to take a deep breath, her breathing became erratic as her heart contracted in her chest, as she swallowed down bile.

Meanwhile, the rebellion pilot was getting more and more confused. Amilyn was looking impossibly distraught, and the woman narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

“You sure we’re talking about the same person. Short. Feisty. Aldera – Hey! Where are you going?!”

But the Gatalentan didn’t respond, as she had managed to push herself to her feet turned her back on the resistance pilot and was racing back to her own ship with one thing on her mind.

Leia.

Hoth. She knew they were on Hoth, she’d known that since her scouting mission that it would be where they would set up this new base. But exactly where on Hoth, she’d never made it a priority to find out. She’d guessed they’d gone with her suggestion but never actually followed up. It was best if she didn’t know if she was ever caught and interrogated, assuming that if she ever left espionage someone would tell her.  

Flying around until she found the base was an option but not an intelligent one. Her codes were non-existent, her old ones were for someone supposedly dead. She’d more than likely be shot out the sky.

But, in her heart, she knew she would happily take the risk if Leia really was there.

_Rational, stay rational, Amilyn._

She entered the coordinates and watched fearfully as the black night sky slipped into the silver stream of hyper-speed around her. She’d had too much to drink to be flying and hse knew it. Heart beating violently, she caught her reflection on the window. Dark circles clung to her eyes, standing out harshly against the sallow palour of her skin. Haggard and worn from years of sneaking around, looked as much of a mess as she felt.

Would Leia even want to see her? It had been years, and with the loss of her whole world, her family, she wouldn’t be the same. If Amilyn herself was any baseline for how much people can transform in a brief amount of time, she had no idea what to expect. How much would she have changed since she waved good-bye from the launch pad on Alderaan? Did that feel as far away for Leia as it did for Amilyn?

Churning nausea returned with a staggering force. She bit her tongue and scrunched her face against it as long as she could until it became overwhelming. Her panic-stricken hands scattered and searched for a waste bag before she emptied the meager contents of her stomach with a wrenching cough. Her eyes stung with tears as she spat the lingering bile from her mouth, her breath blowing out in slow steadying streams.

A sudden thought flashed through her mind as she leaned back into her chair, pushing loose curls from her face.

Was that woman telling the truth? Suddenly face to face with her own brash reaction and feeling drained from being ill, she began to seriously second-guess her instincts. If she’d kept it together, let her mind win out over her heart, she would be on her way to Mon with the cargo and she could ask her.

Mon would know.

“Damn it!”

She pulled the ship out of hyperspace, cursing loudly through teary eyes, before turning around.

 

\--

 

**2 ABY - Hoth**

“Shara! Captain Bey!” Leia had beckoned to the older woman with a wave, and Shara sat up from her position under the belly of her A-Wing.

“Princess, Good to see ya’. How can I help?” the brunette woman replied jovially, peeling back the heavy grease sodden gloves and smacking them against her stained leather apron.

“Oh no, no job this time. I just wanted to say thank you for taking on the extra cargo shipments. I know that is very much below your station.” Leia said warmly.

“Not a problem. We all have to chip in when we’re stretched so thinly like this, it wasn’t any trouble.”

“Well, I appreciate it, especially considering you’ve just had a baby. How is little Poe?” Leia asked kindly, genuinely indebted to the woman who had come out of her maternity leave early as a special favor.

“Oh, he’s just fine, ma’am. Reaping havoc where ever he goes, not that we’d expect anything less,” The woman said with overwhelming affection and a look in her eyes that made Leia miss her own mother. She knew that gaze well, but it would never be directed at her again.

 “I’m just glad I could get you on the easy runs so you wouldn’t be away for too long. Nothing to report then, as usual?” Leia asked in good-natured banter, the woman’s constant high spirits and bold nature were infectious. But instead of the jolly laugh, the gentle slap on the back and the cheery wave Leia usually received from run-ins with Shara, the woman’s face contorted into one of conflicted contemplation.

“Actually…” Shara said, halting the princess’s departure, “Actually, there was something I wanted to talk to ya’ about….about the shipment to Pamarthe.”

Leia looked confused, “I only just skimmed the report, but it didn’t seem like there was anything out of the ordinary.”

“Well, there wasn’t anything in the report. I had debated putting it in but decided the rebellion had bigger problems than a slightly odd drop-off, and ya’ know how anything regarding special intelligence seems to get redacted. But I was hoping for a chance to speak to _you_ about it,” Shara said seriously, though clearly taking the opportunity to enjoy the air of mystery shrouding the situation and reveling in it.

“Odd? Odd how? Was it more dangerous than you were expecting?” Leia assumed, everything seemed to be getting riskier and riskier these days. Although the pilot’s flair for the dramatics would have been much more exuberant if it had been anything life-threatening.

“No, not dangerous – well, a’ least I don’t think so. I had a weird encounter. With a woman on special ops, the one who was picking up your delivery.”

“And this was on the Pamarthe drop-off,” Leia confirmed, putting two and two together. The Pamarthe order was filling Mon’s request. She stepped forward, interest piqued. She knew almost nothing about special ops, and she couldn’t deny that she was slightly fascinated by them. She knew Mon had an underground team, but there was no trace in rebellion records. “Who was it?”.

“I didn’t catch ‘er name. Blonde, tall, and very difficult to read – I mean _very difficult._ Standoffish and secretive, that’s for sure, but not malicious. If she hadn’t been so snappy I’d be inclined to say she seemed kind. Certainly strange, very floaty – “

“Floaty? Like physically floating?” Leia questioned, trying to imagine the contradictory picture Shara was painting and wondering how much of it was a slight stretch of the truth for storytelling purposes.

“No, no. Oh, maybe floaty ain’t the right word. Ethereal? Ghostly? I don’t know, I’m not explaining it very well. Anyway, she was all over weird - oh! And she did say she’d come out of the Bothan spynet…” Shara trailed off, hoping that maybe it would ring a bell with the princess, but Leia only shrugged. She’d heard rumors of the Bothan spynet aligning themselves with the rebellion, but, as was expected with anything involving the elusive spynet, she hadn’t seen evidence supporting the claim.

“I don’t know any Bothans. Although I’d like to, the Bothan Spynet is next level,” Leia said, impressed. The Bothan spynet was nothing to be sniffed at, being the largest, oldest and most complex undercover network in the galaxy. But they were very secretive, rarely surfacing long enough to pin them down, and certainly never long enough to claim any allegiance to any side of an inter-galactic conflict.

“Yeah, as mental as this woman was, she was the real deal. But she wasn’t Bothan, she was human. But what I was really wondering is if she ever came looking for ya’?”

“What? Looking for me? Why would she have?” Leia felt slightly uneasy now. In her recent experience, when people went looking for her, it rarely meant anything good.

“I don’t know but she acted like she knew ya’, or at least knew enough aboutcha’ to care that she thought ya’ were dead. But I barely had time to tell her ya’ weren’t before she went storming off like she’d seen a ghost. Left the planet and everything.”

“Without collecting the shipment?” Leia hadn’t heard anything from Mon about not receiving what she had asked for. But, then again, Leia hadn’t heard anything from Mon since she took over command after Dodonna was killed at Mako-Ta.

“Well…Oddly, she came back for it. I didn’t see the harm in taking advantage of the possibility of a decent meal from one of the Inns since I’d gone all the way to Pamarthe. And, I have ta say, I’m glad I hung around because she showed up about an hour later to pick up the cargo.”

“And you didn’t think to ask – “

“Yeah, well I would have, except she didn’t speak a word to me after that. I mean she couldn’t even look at me, she was all over the place. Dare I say I actually felt bad for her.”

“So what? She just left after that?”

“Yeah the whole thing was strange. But if ya’ haven’t heard anything, maybe it…oh, I don’t know…” Shara seemed to be backtracking, taking in the princess’s furrowed brow and deep frown.

“What?” Leia questioned, “What are you thinking?”

“Well, I’ve heard some pretty insane stuff about agents in special intelligence. I think it must be the isolation or the brutal stuff they’re asked to do. But people aren’t quite right if or when they come out of it. They tend to have a _lot_ of baggage or trust issues or are left with as much emotional capability as a stormtrooper. This girl could have just had an episode. I wouldn’t worry about it, it may be nothing.” Share deflected, believing she was offering comfort.

Leia hummed, not quite convinced, before she said distantly, “Yeah…maybe.”

 

 

\--

 

**2ABY   - Gatalenta**

There was a layer of grey-blue smoke that hung in gentle curls and waves, diffusing the warm yet sparse light in the underground bunker. Mon took the last drag of her cigarette before firmly stubbing out the stained end and disrupting the low lying curtain of smoke with a strong exhale. She watched as the clouds shifted and churned through the glare of the hanging bulbs. Smoking had never been a habit of hers, but on the long lonesome nights in isolation, it passed the time. She and Amilyn had made something of a habit of it in the early days. They’d sit for hours with a bottle of Gatalentan Gin and a tin of cigarettes that Amilyn would procure on her latest mission, speaking or sitting in silence, it didn’t matter. Mon had come to know Amilyn well and in exchange had shared with the girl stories about her past life on Chandrilla. It made the monotonous strife of every day just a little more bearable. The Chandrillan, inhaling deeply, realized had missed the way the smell of the Savorium herb blended effortlessly with the pungent juniper oil that clung to the dirt walls of the bunker.

But Amilyn was late.

Not so late as to elicit any real concern, but late enough that Mon was starting to get restless in waiting for her. She had been fretting over how to break the news of Leia to the Gatalentan. Seeing Leia after they occupied and convened on Cymoon 1 had been a shock to the Chandrillan. But they had both been so quickly swept up in the urgency of the council that she had barely gotten over her shock by the time Leia was storming from the meeting. As headstrong as ever, she hadn’t changed in that respect.

But there lay the cornerstone for her concern for the situation. Leia, while baring the impact of losing her world, was vastly unchanged. Amilyn, on the other hand, was a much more peculiar case. Neither of them were doing easy work, but Amilyn was so detached that it had developed more drastic repercussions. On one of their many secluded evenings, Amilyn had gone into depth when telling her about the disconnect she’d had with her spiritual and meditative side. Usually devout in her practice, though not always convinced by all the Gatalentan methods, it was a too big portion of the foundation of her persona to have lost. And she was so unsure how the young Gatalentan was going to take the information that her ex-lover was not dead, and in fact, very much alive. She wasn’t the eccentric yet loving, wise yet optimistic young woman she was so on track to be.

Mon had been toying all evening with not telling the girl at all, but that seemed unnecessarily cruel and she was sure Amilyn would discover it sooner than later. No matter how she took the news, it was  _good_ news, which was rare in these dark days. Just as she seemed to make up her mind, opening the lid of the cigarette tin and picking out another did the panel in the wall open, causing a wave to float through the low hanging fog.

“Ah, there you are! I was starting to – “ But Mon’s word’s failed in her throat. She’d turned to see Amilyn, not as she had expected to with a smile and a silly salutation, but looking more distressed than the older woman had ever seen her. She was flushed and seemed to be out of breath by the way her staccato breath skipped and tripped over itself, messy hair tumbling loose from the sloppy knot and catching in every exhale. But it was her eyes that gave it away, wide and boiling with hurt and anger.

Mon leaped to her feet, discarding the cigarette unceremoniously beside the unopened Gin bottle. She stepped forward in worry, closer to the figure in the doorway so she could see her more clearly through the hazey atmosphere that was slowly diffusing into the pale evening light that streamed into the main house. And what she saw made her stomach sink; she’d never seen the Gatalentan look like she did now.

“Amilyn, what in the Force’s name – “

“Leia’s alive?” Her voice was soft and steely, nothing more than a whisper, and told Mon all she needed to know. The cat was out of the bag.

“Amilyn, maybe you need to sit down,” the Chandrillan approached her with care, and the younger woman took a step back into the dust-covered cavern that was her childhood bedroom.

“Answer me,” she spoke slowly and carefully as if she was calculatingly keeping the storm of emotions that were running rampant beneath at bay.

Taking a steadying breath, eyes closing briefly, Mon nodded slowly, “Yes. Yes, Leia’s alive.”

Amilyn stayed surprisingly still, the only sign that she was alive was erratic rise and fall of her chest and she found she could do nothing but breathe. Mon stepped forward again, and this time Amilyn did not step back, and, matching her breathing to the Gatalentans trying to help her even it out, she tried to comfort her, “That’s it, just breath it’s okay.” She lifted her arms out slightly and Amilyn grasped her white-clad forearms with surprising strength. The hurt and anger thawed like ice, the runoff dripping down her face in tears revealing a look of pure joy. She let out a cross between a laugh and a sob, and Mon couldn’t help but beam back at her.

“Is she…” Amilyn broke off, unsure of what she was going to ask. ‘ _Is she okay_?’ seemed too broad a question, too vague to catch her up on two years of missed time. She was reeling with the information; the height of elation and the depth of despair fighting for dominance. But Mon seemed to understand, nodding as she ushered the quivering girl into the bunker before sealing the door, “Yes, dear, she’s okay. A little worse for wear after Alderaan, but the last time I saw her she was as feisty as ever.”

“How long have you known?” Amilyn asked, and Mon was surprised to find no malice in her voice, still a little dreamy in shock.

“A little over a year. She surprised me on Cymoon 1,” Mon spoke carefully looking for any sign of a reaction, waiting for the backlash of receiving such a bombshell of information, but receiving none, continued, “I wanted to tell you. But Mako-Ta came so quickly afterward and, for obvious reasons, I’ve stayed my hand when it comes to contacting you.”

Amilyn hummed, still staring straight ahead, nodding though clearly not paying attention to Mon’s words and she could see to wheels spinning in her head. “Right,” the Gatalentan said matter-of-factly, “So when are we leaving?”

“Huh?”

“When are we leaving? For Hoth.”

Ah. Now that was problematic.

“You know we can’t do that.”

“What?” Amilyn’s voice was suddenly desperate and cold as if she had flicked a switch, she began pacing the small tunnel, “No we have to go now! I don’t care about my mission, I have to see her.”

“Amilyn, you took an oath. You have to stick with this. If we go to Hoth now, you will officially re-join the world of the living and your primary cover will be blown,” Mon spoke warily, knowing this was going to be the most difficult part of this conversation.

“No. No, I’m out. I’m done. I didn’t know. If I’d known I’d be missing time with her I never would have agreed!”

“Amilyn, I know this must be impossible – “

“You do, do you?” She cut in, snarky and angry, but they both knew she was doing a poor job of disguising how deeply she was hurt.

“Yes, Amilyn, as a matter of fact, I do.” Mon said, stopping the Gatalentan in her tracks, “You don’t think if it was Bail or Breha that I wouldn’t want to go running back. Or if I got wind that my partner and family on Chandrilla had somehow survived? I can imagine how you’re feeling all too easily.”

“I’m sorry,” Amilyn mumbled, knowing she didn’t own the trademark on grief. Mon sighed, gently squeezing her shoulder.

“It’s alright. But I need you to continue your work with Sekhet. The rumours you’re feeding back from the Bothan Spynet are worrisome. It’s taken months to forge that connection, and it only happened by chance! The odds of us being that lucky again are verging on non-existent, I absolutely forbid you from backing out of it now.”

Damnit. Amilyn deflated and once the rage of the moment began to fade she knew Mon was right. The Bothan Spynet was an essential connection for the Rebellion, especially now the Imperial Fleet seemed to have stepped off the offensive. It had been a complete stroke of luck that she had intercepted Sekhet’s mission and an even bigger stroke of luck that they had recruited her instead of killing her for getting in the way.

“I don’t believe they’re simply biding their time idly. There hasn’t been a sizable encounter since Mako-Ta and you are in a better position than anyone to find out what they are planning. Leia has retreated with the Jedi to Hoth. I know this is hard for you to hear, but it can wait. If you back out before you’re fully inducted with the Bothans, we lose one of our best weapons.”

“Jedi? So the rumors are true…” Amilyn couldn’t keep the amazement from her voice. An actual Jedi was like a distant deity to a Gatalentan.

“Yes, they are true. And Leia is as safe as she can be there, I promise.”

Amilyn tapped the side of her thumb on the surface of the table that stood before them before exasperatedly collapsing to sit on the stool opposite Mon. They were brutally cold and uncomfortable metal but that didn’t seem to bother the Gatalentan who tucked a knee up to her face and lent on it. Hair obscuring her face as she worried her thumb between her teeth, and Mon thought she could see her other hand reach under the collar of her black standard utility suit to grasp something at her neck. In the moment of calm, an inkling of fear bubbled in the pit of her stomach. After all this time, how could she approach her? Would they be able to pick up where they had left off? Was Amilyn even capable of that? She had a feeling she knew the answer and it wasn’t in their favor. She was being given time to figure it out, and, shying away from her hearts need to clap eyes on the princess, resigned herself.

She reached for the bottle of Gin pouring herself a decent portion and lighting a cigarette. In the brief luminous flame, Mon saw tracks of tears illuminated in warm light.

A moment of stillness passed between them. Surreptitiously, the older woman lowered herself to sit across from the younger Gatalentan.

“Soon, Amilyn. Soon, I promise.”

Silently, breathing out a cloud of smoke into the air between them, she nodded.


End file.
